lots of creations!

I'm really excited about all the clay things i've been making lately, they shall take a while longer to finish, and a good portion of them are gifts so pictures will happen at a later day...

There is something extremely grounding and healing about clay =)

Flying seed

Not the greatest picture....and I think I might have liked it better before i added some more color. But I like it =)

Flying seed, 11x14, colored pencil and ink

untangling

So....daily arts hasn't happened, I am working towards that...I did this drawing the other day.

Ink on paper 11x14 inches

Day two...digging in

'I'm perfectly fine' 3x3 inches

intaglio print with watercolor pencils and sharpie

Day two, feeling a bit mixed emotions, for this I used an old test Intaglio print and then used watercolor pencils and sharpie on top of it. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but it is a perfect indication of internal emotions stirring about. I'm liking pinks and reds a lot more lately. Feeling a little weird about making this part of me so transparent. Posting my perceived failures is an unsettling feeling. Maybe i'm a perfectionist? =D

Daily or semi daily art..it needs to happen i'm thinking

'The key to transformation' colored pencil on pastel paper 8.5'x9.5' (inches)

so in addition to my daily writings i've decided to take on a more agressive daily doings ...and that is make some form of art.....today was the first day...and we will see how well this sticks <3

Personal analysis of....life

Here I am. I've been noticing lately how i've been sucked into the internets and the facebooks and the emails. Needing to check, respond, hoping someone will text, email something. It is a state of distraction, of needing distraction, there is something that I am not looking at, or wanting to look at. I know because I keep reaching for the next distraction. So i'm finding myself here. I'm still at my mom's house in Fremont, I've almost finished up everything that I made in my mind to finish. Getting myself 'ready'...whatever that means. I've been operating by flying by the seat of my pants. Going where the whims take me. And there have been moments of quiet introspection. 

Upon waking today I found that the tournament I agreed to play this weekend has been cancelled (well not the tournament, but the team i'm on). Which puts a nice hole in the bubble I was creating for this weekend. I'm not disapointed. I know by now that the universe directs me where i'm supposed to go. This past weekend I was a part of a wonderous healing celebration. The Dragonfly Healing Center. Started and headed by two amazing powerhouse of women. Who i'm sure have had their moments of doubt and crisis, but all I see now are two women, who have done a lot of groundbreaking new things....and here I am. Not that what i've done hasn't been great. But there's this feeling of being afraid to commit. I know that's how change is created. By having a vision. and following it. I have been afraid of having a vision. I've been afraid of having a vision of what I want to be because I dont' want to get 'stuck' with it. I don't know 100% what drives my passion and my love and my happiness. And I dont' want to get stuck in something that will turn into a 'responsibility'. that's why i couldn't really choose a career path when going to school. I never really committed to relationships. I mean i was there physically and even got needily physically attached but there was a part of myself detached, not wholly satisfied. There has to be something more to this. 

I have a basic vision. And a basic desire. One which seems selfish viewed from some lenses. I desire freedom, I desire movement, and freedom to move (which means ample money/opportunities/supplies to do that). But that is only part of the picture. With just that...the movement and freedom to flit wherever I desire....there is an emptiness. I am not super social. I have been socially shy for ages. It is a challenge at times for me to approach people. I'm great at receiving approach. I welcome people, I talk to them. I also feel awkward with conversations. there is so much of our world that has gone to cyber communications which take the personality out of communications. There is detachment because you aren't there with them. You can answer a question in your own time. Talk to someone who messages you at intervals. The openness and vulnerability of one on one connection is not there. It CAN be there. but usually (at least the way I seem to use it). Its not that I haven't noticed and I do push myself to make more personal connections with people outside of just a 'like' on comments. And I have met some wonderful people through the online interface and then met in person. 

I also genuinely like to help people, it feeds me to be of service to others. But there's a line there as well. There's the line where you're helping people and once you cross that you're helping too much, and it may SEEM like you're helping them. but what you're really doing is taking over all of their burdens so they don't have to look at it and help themselves. 

My desire is to help people, help themselves. With a history of over helping, I am still trying to find the balance. Because sometimes what I think they need, they don't really need, that is my expectation placed upon them. Spending time in some one else's house and then a community space for 9 months made this REALLY clear. It actually allowed me to pull back and examine myself and gracefully forgive myself for my misteps. Just because I do something a certain way doesn't mean everyone else HAS to. Maybe....just maybe...another way works for them. and it may not work for me...but that's none of my business. if it affects me I can speak up, and voice what works for me and try to come to a mutual way....or I can take leave, pull myself out of the situation. 

Five days ago was the beginning of the Electric Moon in the tzolken calendar. The theme this month...is how can I best be of service? MY life theme as a white resonant wizard. is How can I attune my service to others?

So that is the question that's been bugging me. I am an intuitive, I have natural healing abilities, I have learned to attune in and give excellent, deep readings. And I've come to give worth to that. And Aside from the healing arts. I am also an artist. I KNOW that my art, and my role as an artist plays some sort of role in this. I don't know what. I desire for my art to be experienced by people and to take a healing role. Within that desire...means it would be helpful to create art on a regular basis. One thing I need as an artist is a stable clear space dedicated JUST to my art. A place I can go to with little distractions and even other working artists around. 

i am thoroughly interested in community life. In living and being around a group of people. but also I need ample opportunity to be by myself and self reflection. And i desire and NEED, nature, ample nature. Trees, greenery, natural running water, lakes, oceans. wildlife. flowers. And I desire that to be close at hand. so that when needing a boost i can walk out my door and enter into the stillness and wildness and care of the earth mother. to reconnect, refresh and find my roots. That's one thing since i've been at my mom's that i've been missing. 

And there are also people I like to see and be with, and not be separated from for super long periods. But i also recognize that I sometimes hold myself back from moving forward. i can no longer carry them. and i'm feeling less inclined to hold myself back. i'm feeling somewhat antsy....And I know a big part of this is BE ing, being true, and authentic to myself and my needs. Not necessarily needing to stand up for myself but just communicating my needs. And in order to communicate my needs, actively becoming aware of my needs helps. 

So i'm feeling slightly at a loss. how can I help others if i have no real idea of what i'm doing now. I have some steps  in my consciousness that i know i need to finish. And i'm working towards finishing those. but i've also been putting some of those off haha. so that's one message from the universe. no more distractions, get your shit done. Friends are important but holding myself back to keep the door open for them is less important to me know. doesn't mean i don't care about them. but it means they're going to have to take some of the reigns.....some of them already do. those are the people i see the most ironically enough. 

beginning a more intimate relationship with one those friends who is nearest and dearest is another thing on my mind. Because of our history because I know well. I have more space around the relationship, less of this needy clingy, because i know who he is and that he really does care for me, there is none of this trying to get his attention...or less of it. Also because I realize that some of that grasping for attention comes from the parts of myself that is trying to distract myself from what I need to do. 

The base desires are less important in the whole of my path at the moment. Sex is fun, and good and I have plenty of desire. but that is taking up far less of my attention than it has in the past. less of a distraction. I am really enjoying being open and vulnerable even if its hard and scary. but i trust him. Another thing is that i have to recognize him as a full person, because i know him i can. I just realized that in my past relationships i never FULLY recognized them as a person. yes they were people and they had cares and desires, and there was an unconcious part of me that didn't care. It was all about ME and my relationship to them. It gave me validation to be the healer and shoulder to cry on. To be the confidant. To be the sex goddess. to be whatever...in relation to them. But in all of those i let them set the energy, them lead the show. And I found myself wanting for me. I found myself lacking in my personal wholeness. 

Over the years i yearned for that 'perfect' man who would just fit in and get it. The perfect man doesn't exist in the way I had in my mind. The perfect man i used to picture is really no longer relevant in my current existence. 

So.....How DO I attune my service to others? and what does it look like? And how does that turn into a way of being able to live and take care of myself financially?

I give readings and healings. i give damn good readings and healings. I make fantastic art. so how does that get out there? is that enough?

My presence in places has been enough for some people. There are many friends and family who just like to have me around because of my calm grounded presence. I know that in itself can be healing thing. But how does it make my life look like? what are my desires for a life?

nature, community, travel, experience, communion, sharing, art, LIVING. 

being active regularly, making art and music and food

no need for tv's or movies...i didn't really miss them, it was nice occasionally, but when that populates your everyday its annoying and a distraction from the life around you.

same for internet or video games....i could care less. the only reason I enjoy games is because it gets you together being around other people. there is interaction and an inclusiveness. 

fire, 

bodies of water...preferably warm enough to be in

a private sleeping space, some place i can go and be alone

a big open studio, with printing press, big windows

ample opportunity and trips to other countries and other communities, staying long enough to get to know the people and the culture, and the traditions

sharing of knowledge, sharing/trading of skills, sharing my love with the community...whatever that is

wonderful healthy living food that feeds and nourishes my body. 

looking at these...i feel i'm a techno hippy. I've come to realize and enjoy many of the modern day pleasures that make life easier, but I still like to disconnect and connect to a heart centered vibe. 

and my question is how do these two worlds connect and collide? what does it look like? I don't know yet. 

i desire to be involved with helping people help and heal themselves and our environment and the planet.

I desire to live sustainably and ecosensibly 

Increasing my worth as an artist is a big step in front of me. Finishing my website, getting myself set up and streamlined to be open to far more people. I desire to be a part of more healing gatherings/celebrations where I give and get healed. 

As far as physical things. I desire a new tent, slightly smaller and made for colder weather

I desire new transportation a room, fuel efficent vehicle. a small suburban/jeep type of vehicle. 

in the interum until that new vehicle comes in i desire my current vehicle to have a new windshield, to get a tune up,

I desire a laptop that has adobe photoshop and other products on it and has enough power/storage to run those products as well as hold information. 

I desire new shoes

-running shoes

-close toed shoes to wear with my skirts

I desire new jeans and pants. that fit comfortably and look nice. 

i desire new comfy jacket/sweatshirt

most of my clothes are worn and falling apart, and they also don't fit as well since i've lost weight

i desire that all the food that i want and need is provided effortlessly, I always have the ability to get this no matter the circumstance, even if my dietary concerns are different from others. 

I desire a new bicycle, with a carry thing on the back, lights, and at least 7 speeds that pedals smoothly

i desire a place to rest and rejuvenate to become more clear, spend some time on my art without all the distractions. I desire AMPLE payment for all the healing projects I take on. organizing, painting (walls), deep cleaning, yard work

i desire some direction. I wish to travel east next (i'm in fremont, ca) I desire to visit new mexico on the way (for some reason that keeps coming up) I desire events and peoples and places to meet and be a part of.

I know true guidance has to come from inside but i'm asking the universe to provide some landmarks. http://pranafest.org/ this just came into my awareness. and now that i'm not going to Sacramento for the tournament (well i still might go)....I now have that weekend free to do this. to participate in this...there is a form...all i have to do is fill it out. what do i have to lose? nothing. 

And that about sums up today's self  analysis...where i am and where i want to be. It helps me to become a little more clear as to my intention

moving on

Since I've been back at mom's I've gotten bunches of questions over and over: When are you leaving? where are you going? what are you doing? I know i'm getting the questions because everybody cares about me and want to know that i'm doing alright. And i'm happy to find myself (most of the time) grateful that they're taking the time to ask.

Since i've been back I haven't done a whole lot physically...it doesn't 'look' like i've done a lot. I've started to sort through and get rid of the extraneous things that i left piled at my mom's house. That in itself is a lot of work. I've been visiting friends, and i've been doing readings. Today I woke up feeling not so hot, kinda sicky, so I did a whole lotta nothing. I gave a reading which gave me and my client some answers (maybe more for me than for him..i dunno). It was a fairly quick reading, but he got all of the information that he needed, i gave him a quick healing and then i let it go. I noticed that I started feeling guilty (judging myself) that the reading wasn't longer, that i didn't do a longer healing. just judging myself....but when I looked at him, I saw that he got what he needed. But I wasn't finished with me. I needed more healing. So I spent the next 20 minutes healing myself. I turned off the computer, I stopped trying to do anything productive and I just allowed myself to be. I got cuddles and love from the puppy, and I got asked to join friends on a trip next week. all once i started to let go and just give to myself.

At one point my brother stopped by to drop something off and being my brother, he stirred my self judgment by asking 'so what exactly do you do all day?" At first I felt the need to defend myself, and then i decided to let it go and just be where I am today.

This self judgment is falling away, at each moment I feel it I bless it. "I love you, I forgive you, I bless you, I release you". I notice this self judgment is rampant it pops up everywhere and with everybody. My life isn't going to look like anyone else's because HELLLLLOOOOOO!!!! its MINE! since when is ANYTHING of mine normal?....not very often. My vibration is unique the way I do things is unique....so WHY have I been trying to create my life fitting into OTHER PEOPLE'S boxes? those boxes and ideas worked for them, but the work hard earn little money equation doesn't work for me, it wears out my body and i feel depleted. and i"m finding now that PART of the depletion was carrying around the guilt and responsibility and self judgment for those times i have done something different.

Its funny I should feel this way because when it comes to my art....my art is my own, and i can be very creative and differnt with it, and its ok...its an adventure. It wasn't until i took a sojourn northward that I began to realize.....everything is art, every little part of life is an art. And my art doesn't look like anyone else's and it shouldn't! its ART! you'd think this is something i would have grasped a long time ago being trained in the arts and whatnot.....AND even in art school they tell you that things are and have to be a certain way...."in order to be successful you have to do A, B and C"  and i know they teach this because it was done in the past and well...it does work to a degree.

when i look at it from energy dynamics it only works if that's where you heart is, where you focus is. I took one look at the artworld and decided I was not interested and playing that game. Now....i don't know...i don't know a lot. i just shook up everything i knew and i'm in the process of picking out the pieces of what i want to keep. The things that i've decided i like and express a different creative aspect of me (my writing) this blog and my other blog/page on facebook....have started they've taken off somewhat. But there's still that tendency that i have within myself to judge. this judgement comes from scarcity, a place within myself that feels like it is less than, that there is not enough. But that is not true. there is plenty, there is more than enough for everyone, even if we are all doing the same thing, there doesn't have to be competition, we will all earn enough of what we need.

So right now when asked what i'm doing with my life....as far as the future I don't know. As far as the present...i'm purging, I'm tearing down emotional, personality structures that no longer serve my path. this doesn't look like much on the outside. to the physical world i've been doing a lot of sleeping. taking bike rides, giving readings and healings, reading books. writing on the computer, interspersed with visiting friends. and a lot more. I'm doing what I feel I need to be doing right now, following the guidance that I have been given. and i'm following it to the best of my ability, and when I slip up, i don't punish myself and don't judge myself...i just keep on going. And there IS progress...where i used to get stuck in a mindset for weeks or months at a time, it may only last a day...if that. most of the time less than an hour, minutes even. that is plenty of progress for me. I'm really tired of sitting in my self judgement, i'm done with this game, time to move on.

=D

letting go some MOAR!

Continuing on the theme of letting go. At each moment I am given the choice to either react, hide and stuff my thoughts/feelings down, or to surrender and let go. And when I let go...and this is truly letting go and not stuffing it down....and find my love for the person/situation. The whole energy shifts, the other person all of a sudden softens. Today is the beginning of the influx of family haha... and one of the things I noticed that is rampant on my mother's side of the family is a hard edge to the joking. This is where I get it from. Its joking...but underneath it is a desire to point out, pick on, or exploit a perceived weakness in the other person, based on a judgement that person (or I) have. And all of this is done on an unconscious level. its just the way we react and respond to each other. 'Hi how're you? doing that weird stuff again?' There's this universal uncomfortableness with being soft, welcoming and loving, always on guard for the jab that will come...

And I noticed it today...as if for the first time...and instead of jabbing back, or putting up walls of defense and hiding back inside myself. I let the comments go, and responded with the intense love and care I have. And the whole demeanor and conversation changed. If i don't respond to the barbs they have no way to continue the charade....(because there is a pattern here. there is a series of events that happens. there's a specific WAY that this game is played) and today....i didn't feel like playing, and instead of reacting with hurt or my own jabs (which is what has been the most well played role), or shutting down on the inside (which has been my role in recent years since exploring spirituality and energy work)....I opened up to my truth and source and I found love, a deep well of firey love. Love for myself and love for this person that is my family. Love for where I see myself in them, Love for the shared personality ticks (that i sometimes just think is me).

From a spiritual and energy work perspective, your family is the most challenging and rewarding aspects of having this life, of being here. From this group is where you receive all of the pieces to start with. As you grow and move outwards you gain more pieces and understanding. But always there is the core of pieces.


I just realized lately that I have been feeling guilty and hiding all of my life. My families way of talking about the obvious makes me hide even more. We have certain judgments of character, of what is needed to survive, what is practical, when someone is a failure. I am ready to let this go. all of it that i can see right now.

i KNOW there will be more later, and some peeking under the surface now that is intense and hard to see and sort out and let go, but there's a clutter on the surface that I am ready to release, completely and fully. And I do that by loving myself, I love myself so much that I am devoted to my discipline, discipline to give myself what I need. Responding and reacting to people the way I want to be responded to and reacted to. Loving the good parts of everybody and taking the emphasis off of the bad.....releasing judgments i have.....even that statement is a judgment. Who am I to assume what is good or bad for a person. Something that I perceive as bad, can actually be good for the other person. It may not be right for me. and that is ok, but I don't need to reflect my judgment onto other people. especially family. because they are so much like me, i am even MORE prone to judgement. And my friends who are into energy work and spirituality...yeah....there's more judgment there, and that judgement is really the reflection in myself. the unwillingness i have in myself to recognize when its time for me to drop something and move on, go in a different direction, let go. I love you, I forgive you, I bless you, I release you
I love me, I forgive me, I bless me, I release me
and to take that even further....saying it ^ this way implies that there are more than one in me....I am one.
I AM
I love, I forgive, I bless, I release
I am loved, I am forgiven, I am blessed, I am released
I am freedom, i am free

this....creates space.....i am here and I am allowed to be where i am. The judgement of myself comes from expectations. I "should" be doing this or that. but I am here now....and what I do in each moment adds up and creates my reality. If I keep stressing out about not having time or energy or motivation to do what i 'should' be doing. the universe is going to keep that stress going. because that is where my intention and thoughts are at.

Today I decided that I am not going to create anything that i don't want to do. I am going with the flow and creating with whatever I see, however I see fit to do so. I am letting go of the mental closet full of projects to be completed, or potential projects to be completed.....

This can be a problem with being a creative person...there are so many seemingly simple objects that can be turned into something great. I have BINS full of materials and supplies, only some of which I've actually used and will continue to do so. I made a decision to let go of some equipment and supplies that I told myself I need....that 'one day' i will have a use for.....and right after I let go of the emotional/mental burden of holding onto the stuff. I immediately received ideas for things I practically need/can use them for...right now. for years I collected 'shiny' things. And I am done, new and awesomer things/experiences can't come in unless I make room for it....and my next shift needs A LOT of room....so I got some more physical purging to do and I'm excited for it....as well as recieving all the energy for the creations bubbling up. letting go of the 'need' to make stuff to make money. (because that is what always stops me and makes things harder to make [energetically] than they actually are)

so yeah.....kind of a mixed up mental dump looking at all the ways I can let go. and receive in the process. the sense of love is growing and becoming...more...I shine my light and give you permission to shine yours.

Letting go

Letting go. I know this has been a constant mantra but its one I need to hear, because I feel compelled to say it over and over again. And one of the things i'm letting go of is self judgment. The council I give, the people I read...the readings I give, the words that I feel compelled to say when I've been in a centered space. Is all and constantly around the theme of letting go. And It continues to come up because i need to continue to hear it.

My brother is getting married in a week. And it is awesome, I am so happy for him. And what accompanies the wedding, is all the family coming in (starting tomorrow). I am excited and I look forward to seeing my aunt and uncles, my father, my grandparents, my cousins. But there's also that unique quality within families that make it hard sometimes to stay with new changes. Most of them have known me my whole life, but haven't really spent much time with me, so they look at me through old filters. There is the part of me that just wants to make it easier and fall back into those old thought patterns, the way everyone expects me to behave. But one thing a family does do is help to develop discipline in my chosen path, now is the time where I stay the course, keep going in the direction I have chosen. That may or may not be leading me farther away, but at the same time closer to family bonds.

As a spirit we make agreements. One of those many agreements is one to be a healer, to follow the family rule, family path. Well....i'm at a time in my life where i no longer want to honor those spiritual agreements. Some of those ways just don't work for me. luckily within my family agreement there is also permission to explore and be myself. I am still embraced even if I don't understand.

And on the eve of seeing many of my family again for a week long extravaganza i'm hesitant to jump back in...afraid to lose my hard won sense of self and wholeness. But I also realize that it is this very feeling of being whole and one that will take me to a different place around my family. I am no longer the one who strives for attention 'look at me!'. I don't need to be validated constantly for my presence.


As I'm thinking about this, thoughts and feelings of trying to plan/coordinate/control, old emotions and feelings of the particular family members...I'm allowing it to all release, continually. My goal is to be in present time, to be present in the moment. And to do that requires not only giving myself the freedom, but giving everybody else freedom as well. to change their identity, to be someone else. to update their selves. I know that as I give them freedom to be them. I am afforded the same opportunity....of course. I am me...i cannot be anyone else.....space....THAT is freedom =)

freedom =)

My reading space today was AHHHHHMAAAZZZINNNNGGGG. I went to bed last night with a clear intention to do reading and healing work today...and I did. It didn't look like much on the surface. I met up with a good friend i haven't seen in a while. And through conversation with his amazingness (combined with a reading i did later on in the day) I've started to remember some truths and mechanics, And i've given myself to let go and play. just be.

I've come to the realization today that THIS is ALLLLL a game. we are here to play! sometimes we're make-believing we're the 'bad guys' sometimes we're make believing we're 'down in the dumps' and sometimes we're make believing we're winning everything. And this is all life, this is all ok, none of this is 'bad' this is just roles people play and we can either choose to react, or to let it go, and to continue to play our own game. Other's people's reality only affect yours so long as you let them. And THAT is an amazing thing. that is showing how much power you have with thought. that just by believing someone else's rules and games, your reality starts to reflect, those rules and games. you even forget its a game and react as if its your whole world and there is no more of you outside of that other person's rules.

But you know what....You can STOP PLAYING. at any time. that is in your power. and it doesn't mean you die. it just means you stop pandering to other people's beleifs and rules, you start to live your life FOR YOURSELF. When you start playing a game...it attracts other people, and before you know it you have a bunch of playmates that want to add to your reality. So..you have some choices as to the reality you get to pick. I for one choose a journey that is for myself but also while being selfish for me....the outflow of my actions are positive and healing for others. I do readings and healings because I also get a healing and answers. I give because it makes me feel good. I recieve openly because it makes me feel good...it in turn makes the reciever and giver feel good that they've contributed to my reality. (or got something).

I am out of the hard place of being tossed and turned within the waves and have found my strong steady ground. As i'm preparing myself for what's to come by releasing more and more to continually bring my vibration higher. Love for myself and others is overwhelming and spreading, deep truths are released and information is released even in the hard times. The more I give joyously the more I receive tenfold. I am become joy, peace, and freedom. And it is whatever form it takes in whatever mood I am, wherever i am. I just AM. And that is freedom. <3

...now doesn't that make you just want to jump back in and play some more?...keep this in mind during the darker times. you are loved, you are love. you are continually with a group of friends, playing this game over and over again where you each take turn playing different roles. remember so that when you get sucked in to that pinpoint of a reality, and start reacting to things around you....that this is all part of the game, so choose to react or choose to let it go and create a different reality. Either way is a choice, and either way is monumental.

back in the bay

I've been back in the bay for 3 days now, and it has been a whirlwind of energy, wedding, gathering, baby shower. seeing a portion of the friends i haven't seen in a long while. As I was driving back to where i'm staying this evening, I felt...overwhelmed...too many people's. Of course because these events are wedding and baby shower, i'm around more than just my friends, i'm around their family and friends whom i haven't met before. And that's ok. but there is a part of me that got overpeopled. and just the thought of trying to see everyone made me sick to my stomach. And its not that I don't want to see my friends. its more like i don't want to plan anything.

I also came from a place where there was a core group of less than 10 people, whom i saw almost every day, and there was plenty of down time and places to get away. I was in an area where there were small amounts of people compared to the amount of population that is the bay.

I've already driven to santa cruz, driven to san jose, to union city.....sooo.....much....driving. Just the energy of lots of people in the air and the driving everywhere. THAT is what turned me off about the bay and had me wanting to leave. too much doing. It has nothing to do with how i feel about the people i know and care about. but the lifestyle of doing, doing, doing, and doing so much and not giving yourself a lot of downtime, that you have to find means to zone out and shut off. Whether its drinking or tv, or video games, or....whatever, just something to help you shut down and off.

When I got home tonight I felt exhausted....and I started to feel myself zone out...playing on the phone. Instead of caring for my needs (i was hungry)...and I AM pretty tired.  I was reminded of bringing myself back into the present by a very enthusiastic dog. And I'm reminded of all of the things that i want my self to be. I want more presence and awareness...and i got it. and coming back into a different environment, i'm noticing the bombardment, the closed in ness. And that dosen't have to be my reality, I don't HAVE to match the energy of the place, but now is when i've noticed it the most. Now is where my discipline to hold my space will be challenged.

i'm feeling the urge to make some changes, shift things around again. and now that i'm back in the vicinity of friends and family, this is where i'm being pushed to speak up and vocalize my needs. and my need to not be overtly distracted. There's a pushing and pulling, a need to connect and be with everyone again. but also a need to do the things i need to do for my soul. So i'm a bit unbalanced at the moment. pulling back and forth between those two spaces. finding the equalibrium. noticing that i'm uncomfortable in one way and making the change. there is no judgment...just awareness. As I become aware of where I judge myself, I surrender and let go...sometimes right away ....sometimes i need to fight with it a little bit...and that is just where I am...and i'm ok with that.....(most of the time hehe).

so...this is where i am....unbalanced, pretty tired. finding grounding one moment and then having a wave of 'zone out' wash over me the next....and for now...i'm just going to sit with it and allow it to be. ...

there's a lot to process  =)

love

Today is self existing earth. Bringing form to navigation, to the direction I have now decided to go....A year ago...I started this journey. (although i didn't know it at the time) actually i started it yyyyeeeeaaaarrrrssss before that, when I made the original intention to move and get the heck out of dodge. It took me 3 1/2 years to manifest that intention. It took me that long to finally trust myself, to finally trust the universe/god/divine presence...whatever you want to call it. I slowly gained presence and trust over the years. I opened up crack by excruciating crack.

And then in one big burst I took a running leap. There's this image that's been in my head for some time.
I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.
I have wings and the capability to fly.
but i don't trust myself, I don't trust my wings ability. I just keep staring down. even though I KNOW it will be sweet and healing. I'm afraid of that initial fear, the initial pain as I take a slight plunge to get air under my wings.

And I KNOW there will be a plunge. and in that plunge I know i'll be losing stuff. but I just stand there. picking up courage, to take the leak I KNOW i'm going to take...its only a matter of time. But I stand there....drawing it up. considering/not considering, just....staring, just being with the concept.

And I finally did it....I took a leap. and from that one leap, i have been able to make others, almost effortlessly. I've lost. But everything i've lost....I no longer need or desire. I've only lost the old trappings and security of a life that no longer worked for me....That never DID work for me.

I've been in this skin, in this idea, trying to make it work. Trying to do it like everyone else and for some reason I kept coming up against a hard place. the same fears kept me back, and I couldn't face them. Its almost like i've needed this leap to gain momentum to face the fears. Because i've faced them....I've gotten a good look at them, and transformed many of them. I've gone through to the other side and found truth and joy and love. Which has given me the courage to face the deeper fears.

I've started to gain a personal collection of tools that i use to get through each big block. There seems to be a combination of talking/writing about it, creating an art project around it....art is important, meditation, healing work, attracting people to read so that I can look at it from a different perspective. And practicing just BE-ing, and surrendering to what IS.

I've become a spiritual warrior. I am still a fledgling. but i have enough discipline and strength and power to carry forward. My ultimate goal is to bring this forward through me, to share with others. I suppose that's why i've started this. I've noticed that its important to share journeys. This is important for me, because first I have to give credit to My journey . I have to give WORTH to my journey. I second guess myself all the time, thinking...oh i'm saying too much.. blah blah blah. ....i know i have a tendency to over-talk and explore a topic, in a sometimes babbling fashion. But this too is part of my process. I need to get all the words out to get down to the simplicity. I need to see all teh trappings and attachments. working my way AROUND.

I can see the initial boiled down truth...but it doesn't mean anything until i integrate it and view it through my world. It's abstract until I really take a minute to see what it LOOKS like....what does it look like?

When I am living effortless and abundantly and the magic is coming to me...what does THAT look like?
When I start to stress and try and control things and the flow stops....what does THAT look like?

When I feel my heart contract and fold in on itself...that's the fear talking. that's me shutting down the love. not only for that other person or event that caused it...but mainly to MYSELF. Since I am the conduit for the love to flow, it has to reach me before it reaches someone else....and if i shut down and close at the thought of that 'someone else' i'm depriving myself.

I think that's what jesus was talking about when he talks about forgiveness.....we don't forgive others for their sake...we forgive them for OUR sake.

If you choose to hold a grudge over something the only person you're really hurting is yourself...by holding onto the pain of what happened. A lot of the time, the other person has already gotten over it, they've let you go and moved on.. and yet here you are still living in the pain, stabbing yourself over and over.....so...go ahead and forgive that person.....you don't have to see them or talk to them again, but forgive them so that YOU can move on. so that you can move THROUGH the pain, and not have to carry that burden of hate anymore....and hate is a burden.

I've since let go of hate, its too toxic of an emotion for my body to handle anymore. but there are other vibrations that are subtle. the biggest one is fear. i'm afraid of being rejected, or that person didn't do what I expected, and i didn't feel that welcomed (probably because i was afraid of being rejected and then acted differently creating the very thing i was afraid of!)....so to keep from having my feelings hurt....i shut down and close off to that other person. And that is a deadening feeling, it feels like a part of myself has just shut down and died. I can FEEL it take my vibration down. back. to where i was.

to be in the vibration of fear is not necessary. its not fun. and it hurts

so slowly but surely, i'm making small steps to turn back into love. I notice where i hold a grudge and am feeling pain....i give myself some time to feel that (because running away just prolongs the pain) and then i make the decision to forgive....to forgive myself first (because i am quickest to judge myself) and then usually there is no need to forgive the other person (but i do anyways). because once i forgive myself. i start to become strong in myself again and it doesn't really matter what the other person did...it's all here to bless me. It wouldn't have bothered me if it wasn't something i needed to see within myself.

THAT is LOVE....we are love, there is no self love because that requires there to be two of you, the self...and the part of you that loves. and there is only one of you and you ARE love...I am love...when I realize that truth, that becomes my experience.

getting aligned

I'm starting to feel like I don't have much to say. There are some days where there is a litany spewing forth from my brain....But I keep coming back to the same thing. Simplification, presence....in the present...and letting go of control (or the illusion of control, because what can you REALLY control?)

As I simplify and become more in tune, aligned with my higher truth, i'm finding less of a need to talk. I'm realizing, that most of my talking to this point has been trying to 'catch' another person's attention, care, validation, love. I felt that if I showed that I was needy enough I would get it. But in reality all that does is turn a person away, they get over inundated, they can't take anymore in...and they mentally shut off. Their presence is gone. I also find that my talking is a fear of empty spaces. that empty space in a conversation, where there is silence, I search in my head for something to say, to fill the gaps.

Before it didn't take very long for me to find something to fill the gaps.

But NOW....now i'm finding....that most of what i would 'reach' for....is unecessary.  There's a part of me when I have a good experience/ communication with someone...I WANT MOAR...more of that person, more of that goodness. i want to roll myself in it, surround myself in it. And i'm sad and a little let down when that other person leaves. Because i've started to build an expectation around that person. That this good feeling comes from "THIS ONE PERSON" and I can't have it with anyone else.

But that good feeling persists even after the person has left the conversation. That good feeling...is presence. Is ME, really paying attention to and connecting with myself..and myself IN another person. I've had several phone conversations and some in person conversations today. And in all of them i've noticed where the lull was, and I was content to just have those spaces. Before my mind kicked in and said 'I needed to say something....cus we're on the phone...of course we should talk!" But i have less to say, there is less of an inner need to put in my say, tell MY story, say what I think. I can let go of the story I have for every little thing that has been brought up. As I let go of all my "problems' (which aren't really problems) and start to be grateful for what I have, what comes up is stuff that i would previously have deemed too personal, inner workings, total honesty of what i'm feeling..... i still caught myself avoiding eye contact....

I'm facing those fears, falling into them, every time I caught myself I wondered why... I talk, but don't look to see how the other person reacts...then I turned my eyes and attention back. One of the reasons is that I lose my train of thought when I look at another person in the eyes.... and I realize...this is because it doesn't REALLY matter. If it DID matter, I would be able to say it and remember it either way. And what DOES come out, is what's most important. I instead started to notice the care and love for another person. Actually caring how that person thinks and feels, and all of a sudden, what I have to say is unimportant....and it leaves me with this inner glow. 

wow....good awareness <3

windy night

The wind, the ground, the space.

Theres always a sense of calm for me on a windy night. I could listen to the world talk for hours. the wind buffeting the structure i'm housed in... is peaceful.  My senses become keyed and tuned in to other noises. A crow's cry, wind chimes, the river, frogs, cars going by, bird's chirp. In that space of just be-ing....is peace, is fullness....is whole. THAT is connection with the divine source, and it opens of the channels, makes room to create. Sharing that space with another human who is just as inclined to listen and feel, is invigorating. Presence, begats presence. Space is created, the magic starts to happen, creations manifest easily, there is a flow.

It's soothing, and quiets and massages the inner parts of me. those parts that were bunched up with anxiousness can now release and let go. I become a river, allowing thoughts and feelings to flow through me.

this presence with others is healing. I want more of it, quiet conversation, with lots of space to formulate words and thoughts. Its the calm feeling i get when sitting around a bonfire. I've had many awesome human interactions around fire. The fire gives you an 'excuse' to not HAVE to talk, and when you do talk, the experience is calm and healing, because i am speaking not from a need to fit or connect, but from a genuine desire to connect. No expectations. just talk, see what comes up, see how the conversation flows, see where it goes. And then sitting in comfortable silences, feeling what has been said, being in the moment.

showing myself, my inner workings to another, without the need or want to be healed..to just..communicate. here i am, this is me...for now

sharing helps me formulate who i am, what i am creating, and what i want to create. It just seems to be my process. I don't articulate my ideas very well through the spoken word. it takes me time and space to get an idea across. With writing its quiet, i'm not competing......that's what was different....i wasn't competing...i was curious and just being curious and present calms my social anxieties. huh....who'd a thunk it?

The Grunewald Guild

I've been at the guild as an artist in residence/volunteer since mid January.....that will leave me a couple of days short of 6 months when I leave on June 16th. In these past 5 and a half months I've come to consider this place a home. A home that has more fullness and acceptance than I've ever allowed myself to experience.

A little background on me, I am not nor have I ever really considered myself a Christian. I was raised Lutheran, but it was never enforced and after a move at the age of 8, we never went to church as a family again. I was an avid reader of sci-fi/fantasy novels, and fairly early on I started exploring alternative faiths and ways of connecting to the divine. There was a short period of time where i read about Wicca, and had decided I liked what they were saying so I was going to be a wiccan.....that didn't last long. But the things I read stuck with me, and then after high-school I starting taking classes in meditation, and shortly after jumped into a year long intensive clairvoyant training program at the Berkeley Psychic Institute. From then on I used the tools I learned there to continue exploring the nature of the divine. I started to weave and build upon my ideas while I worked on my Bachelor of Fine Arts at San Jose State. My art became a way for me to further express and explore these feelings, and started to become trans-formative for me as i was able to see my journey in a visual nature. I studied print-making and oil painting in school and then had a job working for a company that made ceramic plaques with baby hands and feet, where I begun to become more familiar with ceramics and often used the leftover clay to make sculptures.

Last year in June, my job at that company ended leaving me with no job, and no jobs coming in. At this point I had developed a sense of trust and faith in the universe/god/divine source (whatever you want to call it). And realized, no jobs were manifesting, because I needed to make some changes and finally move (like I had been wanting to FOR YEEAAARRSSSS). So at the end of August I drove north, visited friends through Oregon and ended up in Bellingham, WA, where i stayed with my dad's friends from before i was born. In December I found out about the guild doing a search for sanctuary spaces i could volunteer at. I felt a deep need to disconnect from everything, and find myself.

In the middle of a huge storm I arrived at the guild, there was 4-5 ft of snow on the ground and there were hills of snow in the parking lot (which i later found out to be vehicles). I had some trepidation about coming here. I read about their christian roots, and I was wary. My experience as someone who has never quite felt at home within the christian faith is that most Christians that I met would try to convert me or judge my beliefs. And I was wary about being accepted.

But my worries were unfounded. Those at the guild live a life that I would consider more like the life of Christ himself. They have their own beliefs...and they are strong in their own beliefs, but not ONE of them has tried to force any of their beliefs upon me. They accepted me and cared for me as I was. They gave me space to be whatever I needed to be, and were willing to dialogue about the differences in beliefs. It is through these dialogues that I have come to realize that my 'issue' with Christianity was really an issue I had with myself. I felt so insecure within myself that I would push MY beliefs upon others. (exactly what i disliked about 'the supposed Christians') I realized I had made a caricature within my head, and I had never REALLY looked at it again, I was slighted by one or two people  when I was young and it had forever changed my vision (i don't even remember the particular instances anymore), I have looked at it through that same lens and never stopped to see if maybe the view had changed.

The guild has an ecumenical christian founding but it is not overtly so. There are some touches here and there of crosses or paintings of Jesus. But what really stands out is the love of art and faith.  There are rich paintings and sculptures everywhere which just have an aliveness to them. And THAT is the joy that they share here. They don't care what faith you are from, but they want to help you discover your own faith and joy WITHIN art. Here, you have permission to make a mess, make mistakes....and its all ok, in fact..its encouraged, because it is within your mistakes and messes are where the true gems lie.

I've already had this sense of play and faith and joy within my art, but within this space its given me the permission as a person to be a mess. I don't have to have it all together, I don't have to know it all, if I'm emotional, I'm going to cry my eyes out.....and its ok. I've had permission to make mistakes, I've stepped on people's toes, forced my opinions on people (or tried), not really listened and assumed i knew it all, said more than a couple of stupid things, I've started a project that was too big and couldn't finish it and through all of this instead of feeling punished I've been redirected, reminded of what i was doing, and supported as a person.  

Through these ups and downs I've started to see who I REALLY am...instead of who i thought i was supposed to be. I've figured out that I can find things out for myself and I don't have to rely on other people's expertise. I've also figured out that it is OK to ask for help and admit that I am wrong, as well as admit that someone knows more than me...it doesn't make ME any less of a person. I've figured out that I'm tired of painting on flat surfaces, I'm not interested in clean paper or flat prints. I want to make my prints come alive...to come off the wall. I would rather my art make someone happy than to make a lot of money from it. I want my art to touch people. I've discovered that many things i was afraid of doing before have actually become exhilarating and joyful. I've discovered that its OK to be HUMAN....there's no such thing as perfection. I've discovered even more the faith/belief and complete absolute trust in the divine. And the only way to touch people is to BE what you believe...If I want to feel love, I have to BE love. If i want to feel accepted, I have to BE accepting. If i want to be heard, I have to really LISTEN and HEAR what a person is. I really enjoy the moment where I fully connect with and see another person, hear another person. And really get, WHO they are, not the dirty lens that they might usually be seen through. And most importantly I have to LET GO. Let go of any expectations that I might have of this other person. Let go of any needs I have of this other person.

And the Guild has made all of this possible. When you create and hold a space, people have permission and a chance to heal themselves and change themselves. And the Grunewald Guild is a fantastic example of this. Nestled in the cascade mountains, surrounded by trees and nature, and a river, and gorgeous days...you get a grounding from nature itself. The grounds are large and weaved into the land, there are pockets of stillness. There is art everywhere, expressions of the individual people who have been touched by the guild in the last 33 years. All this creates a prime atmosphere for growth and space. Walking around the grounds you just feel safe....it IS a sanctuary, built and infused with love and spirit. This is a safe space for anyone to explore their inner workings. But this is also a place with permission to try anything...if you want to teach a class, then you are encouraged and have the space to do so.

As I mentally ready myself to leave this place there is sadness, and also a lot of love. The things I have gained here, I will take with me. I am grateful to have had the space to just be who I am, and to become more grounded in the person I am becoming. It's been a journey, and the journey has just begun, I'm glad that it is grounded in the spirit and love of this place, its a great energy to take with me.

shedding some skin

I'm sitting here trying to put words to how i feel. to my reflection on the day,  there are so many thoughts...and yet none sufficient enough, none necessary. All I can feel is an expanding and an opening of my heart. These past 5-6 days have been tough, there have been ups and downs and many nights i go to bed feeling great, but its the moving through that's been.....uncomfortable.

I had a lot of great conversations today, and now that i think of it....not one of them did i carry any expectation on it. It wasn't that i didn't care, it was that i didn't expect the other person to be a certain way, and in doing so i opened myself up to wonder, to wonder about this other person, and ask them questions, to get to wonder at their lives even more. I also spent a lot of time silently appreciating the people around me. Noticing their beauty, them as soul AND body. I let go of self expectations and judgments as well....because the only way to truly have no expectations of others is to let yourself off the hook too.

And it was miraculous, i flowed from task to task, really enjoying what i was doing in the moment, and just resting. Today was work weekend at the guild, where people come and do grounds and garden work in exchange for room and delicious meals. I got to meet some of the long time guilders and some newbies. Then after dinner we had a 'history of plain' presentation here (Plain is the town the guild is in). I was struck by the diversity of crowd the guild draws. From outside of the immediate area the guild draws many artists who are wild and eccentric by nature, many who like to explore new thoughts and concepts, and generally fit the 'hippy' vibe this place has. The group that was here for the presentation were all people mostly from the area. All people who have grown up here, or moved here, hard working people who embody the energy of highly structured conservative christian logging town it was built on.
These are such a gap...and a tension between these two groups....now there ARE artists in this area who LOVE the guild and that there is a place like this that exists, but my feeling with the rest of them is that they don't quite get it, are not QUITE comfortable with thinking openly and differently.

To me, the guild embodies acceptance, acceptance without judgment, or rules or structures to abide by...just open armed acceptance. Even if they don't believe what you believe, they will at least listen to you....really listen to you. And try to wrap their minds around..or let them go.

Talking with one of the guildies tonight, she was telling me that other than her husband, I'm the only one who she can talk to about different spiritual stuff....and i came upon something that i forget.

I get so caught up in trying to be something, be important, be included, that i spread my ideas out like a spray hoping to catch someone in it and they will reflect back and validate my experience....but what I've been projecting is insecurity....so what i get a lot of times is either :
 #1-validating someones insecurity...so they buy into what I'm saying, and then i fall in to judging the weakness of the other person
#2- the other person can't hear what i have to say, and won't listen so they shut off and down, saying something to invalidate my knowledge and experience making me feel insecure and invalidated......because I'm operating from a sense of insecurity, not wanting to share

and  I've been getting just that....a reflection of who i am, a closed individual, who is insecure in who she is, either reaching out for validation or shutting off what i think doesn't fit with me without even looking at it..

and i realized...a lot of my beliefs about life, and spirit, and love...are different from that of a lot of people...from the majority of the society (it seems). And its not necessary for me to push it on them. some people JUST AREN'T THERE yet...or never...and IT IS OK! it doesn't mean I am less, it doesn't mean THEY don't appreciate me and care for me...it just means they haven't gotten to a place where they can see that.....if they ever will.

I also realized that i influence and change other people so much more when i am just being myself and being true to my beliefs....it is LIVING my truths which will influence others, not what i SAY.

and communicating IS important, but instead of communicating about mental distractions, to release the fear and say what is REALLY at the heart of the matter, what am i feeling inside, the part of me that is vulnerable and sad and open and joyful....my insecurities, the part that i used to feel was necessary to hide 'because i had to be strong' thinking i had to live up to some mythological guidelines in my head...which ultimately left me feeling more disconnected and outcast.

This is part of the reason that I write this. I am human, i have common experiences, and even if its sometimes scary for me, i know that every negative thought I've had about myself, there's someone else out there who's had that very same negative thought.....i used to try to pride myself in being different...no one understands me, I'm different. i dye my hair funky colors and wear strange clothing, I'm different, I'm cooler than everyone else, I'm an artist, I'm different, there's no way you could understand or be at the same level as me.......this as well left me feeling disconnected from people, and outcast. i was basing my self perception on judging other people (mentally mostly, because there was a part of me that knew it was rude and mean to speak it out loud).

now i realize that the judgment i feel is really my judgment of myself reflected back at me through another person.

So....today i was ultra aware of my reactions and thoughts, and i had many people come in and take care of me, take over some duties, set me free, love me. because every time i had a judging thought, i would stop myself and find the good, the beautiful, the divine in another person.


in the tzolkin calender i follow we are in the midst of the red dragon wavespell...for 13 days (the wave) we travel through this energy looking at different aspects. Dragon is rebirth, renewal, being, and it has been a very uncomfortable time for me. the only thing that has gotten me through it is remembering that this is a time of shifting, of upgrading vibrations of living, of loving, of shedding my old skin. Today was red overtone snake....for the past 5 days I've been itching and scratching and loosening my old dead skin and today I've started to make the move out of it. it is a slow process which is uncomfortable, my skin is tender and vulnerable, so that even the slightest breeze can be a shock. So I'm sitting with it, and giving myself permission to sit with it. stay with the feeling and feel THROUGH the pain. knowing that if i look at it, its not REALLY that big...in fact it gets smaller....as long as i look at it and release any mental chatter that tries to come up. just focusing and totally enveloping myself in the feeling.

My time here at the guild (http://grunewaldguild.com/) has been fantastic. and Its almost coming to an end....for now. I have a sense that my work here is not finished and I will be coming back here many more times...but for now...my time here is coming to an end, and I'm finding myself slowly being enveloped back into the world I came from.

When I drove north at the end of August last year, my intention was to get away, to find some space.....I was overwhelmed...too many imagined obligations and too much distraction. When I came to the guild my intention was to go inward and heal, find myself....and I have, I feel like I'm getting a grasp on who I want to be and who I am, as opposed to who I showed everybody. I'm gaining the nerve to stand up and show who I am, despite how much it triggers everyone around me....I don't have to bend and hide just because they are uncomfortable (not that I try to make people uncomfortable purposely). But I still feel weak...fresh....tender....And with the acquisition of a new fancy phone which makes it easier to be connected again, i'm finding myself falling into the same old tendancies of distracting myself.

There's something to explore....just under my skin, that is coming up, coming to the surface, growing in my gut. It requires me to delve back in, and look it in the eyes. And there's something about that, that is really scary. Just to go into the studio I find myself finding other things to do instead of work on anything. i'm also cleaning up my supplies and i'm finding the quantity of my prolific-ness daunting and overwhelming. And even though i have 2 and a half weeks left here, my whole self is itching and nervous and anxious and getting ready to jump back into the big pond.

When I left the bay, I put things aside, things I didn't want to look at, I couldn't, I was EXHAUSTED. Now that I have my strength back...i'm still stripped bared, a tender shoot, that will soon be a tree. I feel myself being pulled into old patterns, even being 2 states away. Just because I'VE changed...doesn't mean they have. i'm contemplating, how do i re-enter that space but still maintain my growth my change.

If I want to create and maintain the growth and changes, I need to stay with them. Continue in integrity and alignment, no matter how squirly I start to get inside...and there lies the difficult/uncomfortable part....the squirlyness, being uncomfortable.

Today when i started to feel that uncomfortableness while cleaning up my things and then talking to family from the bay (who i haven't talked to since before I left). I immediately turned to mind numbing things. I went in search of sweets...(there is pie....it is good) and then I snacked....even though i wasn't hungry ....and then i piled a plate high with nachos and went in search of the delicious jalepeno cheese dip...but it was nowhere to be found. And THEN i buried myself into a book. All disconnecting, distract myself actions. But a new thing....I was aware of it all...as i was doing it. and there was a change in the intensity of the numbness  it used to be able to provide...instead it just left me kind of unsatisfied.

I can feel a building of intensity in my core, spreading and wanting to be seen and rejoiced and experienced...it doesn't want to be denied...it CAN'T be denied anymore....at least not if I want to continue my growth (which I do) stagnancy is NOT an option. I won't be able to survive in this world with stagnancy. I must reach out and further my dream.....if i only knew what it is that i wanted.

That's what stops me...i don't really know what I WANT...i know what i don't want. I want peace, and love, and connectedness and wholeness, and inclusiveness and being worthy. but those aren't tangible things. I have these medicine cards that i use less than i used to. and today I pulled contrary lizard. lizard is about dreaming. One of the key elements of contrary lizard is stagnancy, a lack of dream for the future. And that SCARED me. because I don't know...i don't KNOW...what i want to do...

that stirred up all the things i 'should' be doing, all the things i 'thought' i had wanted to do. and That stirred up the overwhelm-ed-ness. I'm spiraling down, inward. connecting more with wholeness. and in order for me to stay aligned its time for me to take some action...at the very least in the form of dreaming for where I want to go and do. Everything so far as been more than granted to me...overwhelmingly so.

So today I asked the universe....to show me possibilities, to show me other ways to support myself, I am flying, right now I have baby bird wings that are gangly, awkward and unbalanced, but i am building muscle. I need direction, and i forget that i don't have to do it by myself...I FORGET that i can ask for help and I will receive it...I trust enough to know that i will recieve what i ask for...(heck...just a little bit ago i imagined spilling my water and then not 3 seconds later i spilled it even grander than i originally pictured....so the universe does provide what i 'ask' for....thoughts are manifesting at frightening speeds).

The energy I'm aligning with is peace and love and effortlessness. Effortless freedom and the ability to soar. what this looks like, is lightness, travel, less physical possessions (and less need for the physical possesions). ART....tons of art, art infused into my world, i am creating and destroying and creating with ease and love and enthusiasm and joy....and i am attracting to me the experiences that bolster this, releasing those that bind and stagnate me. I have movement...and the ability to have it, including a well running vehicle, debt paid off, endless effortless supply of money that comes when I need it. Effortless food and shelter and love and places to make art, and be in art communities, and learn and grow from others. My thoughts keep pulling me east. A journey east...i've never driven that far before and i'm yearning to explore. hiking and camping and backpacking ( a first...i've NEVER gone backpacking before...i'd like that to become a reality). All of this grounded in reality, in the physical in the planet. In this energy i'm aligning with, I am giving my body what it needs, I am listening and responding appropriately. and when I DON'T respond 'appropriately' its not a HUGE deal...i just pick up and keep going, instead of letting it to build and fester into something bigger.

I feel scenery of warm weather, a slight blowing cooling wind, lots of trees and nature, white canopies, calm serene beaches, good company. People who are honest and will call me out when i become un-aligned (in a caring and loving way). people who will laugh at and with me lovingly. The fear is gone, and when it arises i have the strength and courage to look past it to the love that's hiding beneath. I have permission to be tender....and vulnerable...the weight of 'being strong' is no longer necessary where i'm going. I have joy and I approach people with joy and love and acceptance. Boat rides out in calm waters, slightly choppy waters, sunset the breeze flowing around me, through my hair. Peace, warm, calm, love. Every time I reach out and extend myself effortlessly i am rewarded 10-fold, filling my needs and overflowing to those around me. As i'm supported those around me who I can help  are supported and fulfilled as well. Art is all bound up in this. the art of living, the art of creating...i have space to create this art and work on this art. the space is warm and inviting and there is lots of table space, as well as the necessary pieces of equipment, printing press, ceramic/pottery facilities and kiln, sewing machines, everything needed to create what i dream up. A further exploration into myself and sharing it with the world. My art gets seen, and loved and appreciated (my art is kind of hidden right now). there are people around to help push me through that fear of being seen and also talk me through the steps i need to take to get it seen.

my heart and soul and body and mind, are all well nourished.

So....i guess i really do have an idea of where i want to go next hehe.....when I'm in the bay i want to make art, and play and feel love, and be love and continue this crazy thing i started which is such a joy in exploration for me. I am supported 100% when i choose me 100% the universe will support my goals if i see them clearly (like spilling water lol).

The universe has supported me this far. <3

Another thing I just read in an email....Connect..and let it flow...connect to the divine in me and others, and don't control where its coming from....this is my constant lesson these days =)

Relationships -mixed up mental dump monday!

Ever since I made the declaration to the universe that I am open to thinking about relationships again...the confusing/annoying feelings come back HAHAHA. I gave myself a break and shut that part of me down so I could figure out who I was. And now that i've opened it back up, the universe has provided me with ample opportunities to work on and look at that space.

I'm amazed at how much a cute guy with awesome energy can throw me off balance and pulls me back into conflicting emotions of insecurity and low self worth. But I've faced these differently, even noting the cuteness, I also note that I'm not heading into a relationship at top speed anymore. So I've been able to pull back and see the person that they are and not just the shiny energy.

This is me: I see a boy with shiny energy and head straight for him like a bug to a light, and then....I eventually get burned because i've been spending all of my energy starting at the light and not taking care of myself. They become the center, I lose my sense of balance and everything eventually falls apart because I start to make decisions based on wanting to be around that shiny energy instead of where I am in integrity with my higher self. That reaching pulls me furthur and further outside of myself until I depend on that cute boy to not only be my center but start supporting all my emotional insecurities which I then DUMP ALLLLLLLLLL OVVVVVERRRRRR the place...big fat stinking pile of smelly messy....And I, being an aware individual, who also has a shiny light, seem to be attracting more men who like the shiny...but are also aware individuals (even if they don't KNOW that)...but once my energy turns to reaching out....low self worth all over the place. and they SEE it because...well they're sensitive and in tune...and get turned off and pull away....where i reach out even more...and ugly cycle all over the place.

I also just noticed the distinction I just made up there ^.....boys and men. The part of me connected to my relationship space is a little girl...I really don't consider myself a woman, there's a big part of me that just doesn't feel grown up, so i'm just a girl...not so little anymore..but not a woman. And why is this? I haven't 'grown up'....I haven't gotten a 'grown up job' and bought my own house and all the things that grown up people do. Instead I escaped the bay...and some very key, big emotions, to get some space to look at myself. and this is a big one....that apparently i haven't been wanting to look at...

and I don't know how to make that change in distinction, I want to but i'm a little afraid, of once i take on this manifold/valence of being a WOMAN. I have to fit the stereotypes, i have a role to play. When i think of woman...i think of sensuous, curvy, deep, whole....A lot of it relates to sexuality. and THAT....while I have gotten a whole lot more comfortable with the subject and my own...there's still a small part that says that its taboo and to be hidden and not shared openly. When its really a wholesome part of me.

But i'm ready, i'm ready to come out of girl-hood and be a woman....not a grown up....never a grown up =p. But to allow myself to take on the scary role of possibly (maybe) being a sexual being.....openly. This doesn't mean I want to go on crazy sex-capades or anything. in fact i think its the exact opposite...i think of some of the relationships....or 'friends' i've had and the way I forced my sexuality on them....almost as i needed to let her out, she comes out and overwhelms the poor boy. but ther'es this need to prove that I am 'that' and so a part of me forces it....i don't want to force it anymore. I don't like the pattern, it makes the whole thing start out in a bad place.
Where instead....if I allow myself to just BE a WOMAN. exude it, know it, love it....instead of hiding it....maybe....(just maybe...but i'm pretty sure its more than a maybe). i'll start creating the kind of relationship that I REALLY want.

Where I start seeing a man...not boys. Where I start standing up for my feelings and being open and honest....and (scary) vulnerable..... Where I not only AM a woman...but I inspire in him to be a man. to be an equal to be a partner...in more than a physical way...in an emotionally supportive way. But since I AM a woman, I got most of my shit together and don't use the relationship as the space to dump my emotional trash...i got other places to do THAT....THAT is why I have a spiritual practice...a meditation practice, what giving readings and healings help me with....release emotional trash, that no longer has a place and is taking up precious space and cluttering up my mental/emotional/spiritual interior. I am going through a BIG spring cleaning..and I JUST came about this old dusty ugly pile of.....earwax that was sitting on the bottom of a pile of crap...that is clogging up my ability to move on in this space and blocking me from hearing my own truth.

Well not anymore. I am moving forward in integrity. I am being my wholesome self, and allow myself to be identified as a woman. We shall see where it goes from here =)

~~~~~
And back to the beginning where the universe is helping me trigger all of the emotional baggage......in addition to being drawn to this guy....there is also the part of me that wants to act cool, i have a wall up, i want to show him why i'm so cool. and a lot of that is talking to people around him.....without actually talking to HIM (hoping he's listening and wants to be a part of my cool club and invites himself in) being boisterous and dumb, showing off, amplifying things that don't really matter, and pretty much putting up this wall of indifference...i don't show him that i actually care about him, i do mean things to "test' him. And all of this because i'm afraid to show him my soft squishy vulnerable side....(unless its involved with me dumping emotional crap on him...then i'm ALLLLLL broken down).

But...there's a way to be open, honest and vulnerable...without needing anything in return, without being needy and less than. I can stand in my truth, own my information, and WHO I am...while honoring the other person and who he is, and let go of the need to justify. I am weird, I am also into spirituality on a level a lot of people don't 'get' just yet. The things I say don't sit well with some of them. part of that is me learning what to say and how much to say to who...But there's also a part of that ...that IS my reality. I THINK in terms of energy now.  I am in tune with astrological events like portals...and I FEEL the difference. Tragedy happens and even if i'm feeling pain...i still have a deep knowing and trust that it is all in my best interest as spirit....a lot of people don't get that part yet. And i'm really tired of relationships where that part of me is belittled or needs justification or excuse.

I don't know,... i have no exact answers for myself yet , but thinking about it is important...I feel that there i something here in need of further exploration, its all built around not standing up and owning my power. Owning my information, instead of that....i usually make myself small and secede to the other person...or block myself off and fight until I feel like crap...either way is not fun. I am worthy, there are things that I have to say that others will not agree with. I don't have to back down just because it triggers them. I also don't have to shove it in their face, to give me a platform to stand on in case there is an argument.

To me...owning my information, means being whole and at one with myself and so secure about what i feel and believe that I DON'T need to shove it in the faces of others before they even ask. I notice how I present the subject when the person is not ready for it and then they are reeling because its like a punch to the gut....a defense of mine to 'dare' them to defy a part of me.

Poor people....i've had nothing but accepting responses (whether or not they actually agree with me, they are still accepting me) and here i am badgering them with my beliefs....doing what i don't want to have done to me....the reason why i was so resistant to church for a long time is because i didn't want beliefs and faith forced upon me...and then i try and do it to them....*sigh* lol

ooh relationships to religion, to....all kinds of things! and yet its all interconnected on the basic level of standing up for myself and standing IN myself. being whole and complete as i am...not backing down just because someone is more exuberant in their beliefs than i am...I don't HAVE to say anything, i don't HAVE to try and change their minds.

And to bring this back to relationships...i don't HAVE to change them. I also don't have to stay with them if i find its no longer working for me.

And....so it begins....another deepening into myself and exploring...this time i'm taking this journey more visibly, writing on internet journal instead of regular journal....transparency...scary but necessary for me to 'get' it.

Wild Things

We watched 'Where the Wild Things Are" tonight. This is a gooooood movie, its also an uncomfortable one. Its sad, there is no straight happy ending, but there's hope and a change in perception and awareness.

I watched the movie when it first came out on dvd..or maybe a little after, I remember a friend telling me 'its sad, are you sure you want to watch it?' I watched it and then mentally distanced myself from it until today really. There is an underlying theme of the darkness and the rawness and the pain of human emotion, especially the life of a child who's family isn't perfect. You aren't explicitly told, but it is a family without a father (who knows if he died or left them).  And there's pain, where the older sister ignores the pain of the younger brother who is just trying to reach out for connection in anyway he knows how. And when he doesn't get it, there is a reaction of rawness and crazyness, that confuses the rest of his family.

I BAWLED my eyes out. An underlying theme for me is an opening of my internal world. I'm shedding one by one, and some in groups...all of the mental/emotional/social mechanisms I use to hide behind/seperate myself from others. Because I'm embarassed or more aptly uncomfortable with the emotion that i'm feeling. So i would become numb to it and pretend it isn't there by hiding behind an image of 'i'm perfect' 'i got it all under control' ' i know/am better than you'.....all of these lies that i hid behind because i was scared of feeling the pain....the rawness.

So i'm allowing myself to be more vulnerable and open, and also as transparent as possible. The baggage of identities had gotten too much, always trying to be like this particular person or group in order to fit in and be accepted. When most of these people accept me for me anyways, I don't HAVE to like all the same things. its an impossible burden I lay upon myself. So as i'm connecting and learning to BE with this vulnerable place i'm noticing things. One of the things is that all the times I approach this discomfort and vulnerability I immediately look for distractions, somewhere to be, go, do that will pull my attention away from that one thing. And often times that distraction is in the form of self defeating/beating thoughts.

I didn't want to think about this movie after I had watched it because it was too uncomfortable for me to be with those emotions at that time. This is also why I don't always 'really' listen to another person....because I am uncomfortable with what their experience is. But i'm finding, if i catch myself, i can be WITH the person, and listen even if i don't have anything to say...and especially if i don't have anything to say on it. Alot of the time... the person really just needs someone to talk to. There is healing in communication. To finally speak and give form to a thought that has been roaming around in your head, out loud, to another person in an environment of understanding can be healing and transformative.

I am often taken off guard...a little less now than before...when i realize that people are REALLY listening to me. not only listening to what i have to say but also to me. where i am, what i have to say....all of that is important. I am important and worthy of the attention.

The more I realize that what I have to say actually matters...the less need i have, to say things that don't matter. Every day there's something new to let go of, something else to loosen my need for control over. And its not always easy, sometimes there are MONDO attachments to 'needing' a certain thing to happen. But i'm finding the key is to be in the present and enjoy the present. to not give in to the voices that try and tell me i should be doing something else. And to be really kind to myself, to love myself, and forgive myself if i slip up. It's a learning curve, and i'm skating the outside going to fast sometimes.....But I think i'm getting something out of it.

White Resonant Wizard

Today on the Tzolken Calendar is White Resonant Wizard. (for more info go: http://resonanttruth.com/, http://www.icandosomething.com/mayancalendar/, http://lawoftime.org/thirteenmoon.html)

It is my galactic/mayan birthday. I was first introduced to this calendar last year at the end of August....the end of the first moon/month of this particular way of viewing time, and soon after it was my 'mayan' birthday. (I say 'mayan' loosely because its not EXACTLY mayan, but its a calendar modeled after the mayan one). Since the year is in a cycle of 260 days (or so). Its not even a year is up and Its my birthday again. This brings me back to looking at my journey for the past 260 days. I started by driving north, and I ended up here. Its amazing....

My code spell for today and my birthday is:

I channel in order to enchant,

inspiring receptivity

i seal the output of timelessness with the resonant tone of attunement

I am guided by the power of death

reading this now makes sense.....I do channel..I channel a higher voice, god, creation...and when i'm really in tune...it does enchant...people get it. they start making changes, they start doing things for themselves which is often. I inspire people to open up and be receptive.....I've been doing this my entire life. in the moment they're against me, and fight me, or deny it. but later....all of my intense personal relationships...after i've moved out of the way, they have ALL made changes for themselves for the better. It took a while but they opened up just a little bit. and that created more opening up. 

Now this part I kind of struggled with, because there's this need to have the recognition that I inspired that in you. So when it wasn't immediate gratification I was discouraged....And anyways the change wasnt for me...it was FOR the other person. That was a gift. 

Wizard is modern day shaman, I've always been connected to another way of thinking and viewing the world. Growing up I didn't believe that this is all their was....when I was told of the idea of heaven...it didn't make sense....why would you need streets paved of gold when you are dead...gold is just a shiny metal. I don't ever consciously remember anyone telling me I HAD to believe what they believed, and that they were right and I was wrong....but somewhere along the line I got turned away (almost visciously) from organized religion. And I found my way in another direction....to end up believing the same things that jesus taught. So...go figure, I found my way....differently.

So a shaman is a seer, someone who is connected to multiple worlds, a healer, a teacher, a guide. I am most of these...and becoming the others. It is in my nature to lead, but not tell you what to do.  I'll give you the tools for you to create your own way. 

i seal of timelessness with attunement. Attunement in the dictionary is: being or bringing into harmony; a feeling of being "at one" with another being. Being in tune with others. (resonant is the name of the tone). I seal the timelessness with a sense of being at one and in tune. Timelessness....between things and time.....there is space, there is a timelessness that pervades everything if we just stop and see it. 

Part of my birth here on this planet, what is an underlying driving force... is to bring people (and myself) in tune with each other, and in tune with the space between things...otherwise known as the divine. 

I am guided by the power of death. I'm actually guided by the seal worldbridger who's power is death. Death here is not a bad thing. Death is a space and a connection to the other side (again the shaman). Death is an end of one form, to create space for that energy to begin another form. 

I'm reminded of the Death card in Tarot, people think it's a bad sign. But death is a necessary force in our world. Somethings HAVE to end, in order to make room for new creation. 

As humans we get so caught up in this need for everything to be the same, and comfortable...and well....its boring. Have you ever told someone, or heard  someone tell you 'don't ever change'? do you Really not want them to grow and change?  Change is the name of the game to stay relevant and growing and thriving and LIVING. That is our purpose....death is a necessary part. And you know what? the only thing that fears death is our ego. The part of us that NEEDS an identity. In buddhism they teach that life is suffering.....and it is! its a lot of pain, especially when we get sucked into our ego and the role we've chosen. But when the body dies....the soul is free, it no longer has to be burdened by the pain and suffering of life. That is immense JOY. The only ones who are pained by death are those of us left behind, so we make it a bad thing in our culture.....its not ok to feel the grief, the pain...its bad....But really death of a loved one can be an incredibly healing experience if you allow yourself to HAVE your emotions....yes it hurts, because you are attached. But the part of that person or animal that you connected with...is the part that never dies, they are always with you in essence. LOVE....that stays. 

So my guide is death....change, movement....Even when I get stuck in familiarity...in what's 'SAFE'. (i'm usually not having a lot of fun) and eventually I've found ...if I fight it.....my soul, higher power, god source, whathaveyou....actually PUSHES me out into change....If i don't embrace the change, it's a painful lesson. Those things I was grasping onto are slowly and systematically or all at once ripped out of my hands by the universe. A good lesson to remember for myself, is if I don't respond to the gentle nudging my intuition is SCREAMING at me....and I continue to sit in denial and don't attempt to make any change.....things start happening somewhat traumatically.

When I just left the Bay....I needed to leave, I was stressed and overwhelmed and in pain. I had been feeling for years that I needed to leave but I finally built up the courage to take the step...it felt like the only logical step at the time...the only avenue left open for me. And i've been driving by intuition since. I've somehow become more open and in tune with the gentle nudges. AS SOON as I start to take on a job, mindset, task...whatever that is NOT in alignment with what I really want...I FEEL it. I feel tired, lethargic, stresssed, spacey....resistance.

So i've been going with the flow of the universe, gliding along what's presented to me, and flowing around and to things. It means giving up control, and a sense of empowerment from that control....but that control is what's been giving me so much stress...or really the NEED to control. the control itself didn't do anything (because WHO can REALLY control anything? its all an illusion anyways), but losing the sense of control that thought i had had, and trying to keep it the same....STRESSED ME OUT. 

So i've tried something new...and every day I find more things to let go of, more things to stop trying t control...and I've found that when I do that. Life is AHHHHMAAAZZZIINNGG.

I looked up my code, seal and tone today. and it says: 

"When operating in the light of your energy, the positive aspects are: Receptivity, integrity, heart, knowing, jaguar {cool right?}, shape shifter, priest, magician, torch bearer, supernatural, alignment with divine will"

and 

"When operating in the shadow of your energy, typical symptoms are: Will out of alignment with divine will, issues of integrity, personal power, control, need for approval and recognition, mind out of alignment with heart knowing"

"Transformation: to come out of the shadow: open to heart knowing and limitless possibilities. Be transparent, innocently allowing magic to come through you rather than needing to create it"

So I read all that and was like...."holy shit balls batman!" I read this a year ago and I remember being in turmoil and denial about it. But the past 4 months i've been doing just that, coming into alignment. AND NOW....all of these things makes sense! When I am in alignment with divine will and my integrity and my heart center, things flow endlessly, effortlessly, abundantly....and the best part is I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING! ALL I have to do is have fun and be IN MY JOY and just live and love and FOLLOW my BLISS. But THE MOMENT I try to control, shape, bind, divide, sort, edit....the more all of this constricts and I'm in stress and pain and in a state of mind of having less...and I end up creating 'having less'. And i'm right back where I've started....except now I  have a gained and added awareness.

So this was my miracle today.....to realize that I have gained at least a foothold into this awareness, i'm on my way to being a heart-knowing jaguar, shapeshifter, priest magician, supernatural torch-bearer who's IN receptivity and aligned with her integrity and divine will...ALL THE TIME. I feel like i'm all that maybe %30 of the time....but its growing and getting bigger. 

Today was a day of gratitude and gratefulness, my heart filled with all the love I have recieved from universe and god THROUGH the people around me. By just them being who they were and behaving how they behave in any given moment, has been a tremendous miracle for me. I realized today for the first time in a long time that I truly belong and I don't OWE anybody ANYTHING. I don't have to BE a certain way, or do certain things, I can be who I am and act in accordance to my self integrity and I STILL BELONG...I am still included even if I have to go take a nap because i'm tired and cranky. The more I've connected with this gratitude and knowing, it has actually started to be SHOWN to me...people who i would try and connect with and maybe connive for hangout and getting to know them are automatically coming to ME, inviting me in verbally. When that's all I wanted before...is to just know I was included....and I am....and I DON'T HAVE to go just because i'm invited and I feel like i'll be cast away if I don't. I know..that I am valued and will continue to be a part of this group....without the attachments and expectations....THIS....is FREEDOM. And it feels me with love, for myself and for all others who have contributed to my life. And it allows me to finally see what my actions were doing to other people and to forgive myself......finally.

And another miracle.....we have a guest here who's kind of needy for attention and company, (mostly just wants to talk and connect) and was starting to get on some of our nerves (we're coming off two weeks of a yoga retreat here and need some empty space)....and then I realized the reason she was getting on my nerves...is because in my mind I felt obligated to spend time with her. That obligation stressed me out and I couldn't handle it. The moment I gave myself some space and a little time....I realized 'THAT WAS ME 4 months ago when I first got here, looking for companionship and just.....company....someone to spend some time with. The more time here i've gotten used to the down time and being alone more, and its been magical. But once I realized that, I was able to have compassion for her, and see myself in her...and forgive the annoying part of myself I was seeing reflected back to me through her. And once I was able to forgive and let go of any obligation, I wanted to extend to her love, and invited her to sushi....and she churned her way through making 3 delicious apple pies.....Pies she can't even eat....EVERYBODY is valuable and worthwhile and have something to contribute....sometimes they just need the space to do that. I find that I really enjoy creating that space for others to contribute.  <3