My time here at the guild (http://grunewaldguild.com/) has been fantastic. and Its almost coming to an end....for now. I have a sense that my work here is not finished and I will be coming back here many more times...but for now...my time here is coming to an end, and I'm finding myself slowly being enveloped back into the world I came from.

When I drove north at the end of August last year, my intention was to get away, to find some space.....I was overwhelmed...too many imagined obligations and too much distraction. When I came to the guild my intention was to go inward and heal, find myself....and I have, I feel like I'm getting a grasp on who I want to be and who I am, as opposed to who I showed everybody. I'm gaining the nerve to stand up and show who I am, despite how much it triggers everyone around me....I don't have to bend and hide just because they are uncomfortable (not that I try to make people uncomfortable purposely). But I still feel weak...fresh....tender....And with the acquisition of a new fancy phone which makes it easier to be connected again, i'm finding myself falling into the same old tendancies of distracting myself.

There's something to explore....just under my skin, that is coming up, coming to the surface, growing in my gut. It requires me to delve back in, and look it in the eyes. And there's something about that, that is really scary. Just to go into the studio I find myself finding other things to do instead of work on anything. i'm also cleaning up my supplies and i'm finding the quantity of my prolific-ness daunting and overwhelming. And even though i have 2 and a half weeks left here, my whole self is itching and nervous and anxious and getting ready to jump back into the big pond.

When I left the bay, I put things aside, things I didn't want to look at, I couldn't, I was EXHAUSTED. Now that I have my strength back...i'm still stripped bared, a tender shoot, that will soon be a tree. I feel myself being pulled into old patterns, even being 2 states away. Just because I'VE changed...doesn't mean they have. i'm contemplating, how do i re-enter that space but still maintain my growth my change.

If I want to create and maintain the growth and changes, I need to stay with them. Continue in integrity and alignment, no matter how squirly I start to get inside...and there lies the difficult/uncomfortable part....the squirlyness, being uncomfortable.

Today when i started to feel that uncomfortableness while cleaning up my things and then talking to family from the bay (who i haven't talked to since before I left). I immediately turned to mind numbing things. I went in search of sweets...(there is pie....it is good) and then I snacked....even though i wasn't hungry ....and then i piled a plate high with nachos and went in search of the delicious jalepeno cheese dip...but it was nowhere to be found. And THEN i buried myself into a book. All disconnecting, distract myself actions. But a new thing....I was aware of it all...as i was doing it. and there was a change in the intensity of the numbness  it used to be able to provide...instead it just left me kind of unsatisfied.

I can feel a building of intensity in my core, spreading and wanting to be seen and rejoiced and experienced...it doesn't want to be denied...it CAN'T be denied anymore....at least not if I want to continue my growth (which I do) stagnancy is NOT an option. I won't be able to survive in this world with stagnancy. I must reach out and further my dream.....if i only knew what it is that i wanted.

That's what stops me...i don't really know what I WANT...i know what i don't want. I want peace, and love, and connectedness and wholeness, and inclusiveness and being worthy. but those aren't tangible things. I have these medicine cards that i use less than i used to. and today I pulled contrary lizard. lizard is about dreaming. One of the key elements of contrary lizard is stagnancy, a lack of dream for the future. And that SCARED me. because I don't know...i don't KNOW...what i want to do...

that stirred up all the things i 'should' be doing, all the things i 'thought' i had wanted to do. and That stirred up the overwhelm-ed-ness. I'm spiraling down, inward. connecting more with wholeness. and in order for me to stay aligned its time for me to take some action...at the very least in the form of dreaming for where I want to go and do. Everything so far as been more than granted to me...overwhelmingly so.

So today I asked the universe....to show me possibilities, to show me other ways to support myself, I am flying, right now I have baby bird wings that are gangly, awkward and unbalanced, but i am building muscle. I need direction, and i forget that i don't have to do it by myself...I FORGET that i can ask for help and I will receive it...I trust enough to know that i will recieve what i ask for...(heck...just a little bit ago i imagined spilling my water and then not 3 seconds later i spilled it even grander than i originally pictured....so the universe does provide what i 'ask' for....thoughts are manifesting at frightening speeds).

The energy I'm aligning with is peace and love and effortlessness. Effortless freedom and the ability to soar. what this looks like, is lightness, travel, less physical possessions (and less need for the physical possesions). ART....tons of art, art infused into my world, i am creating and destroying and creating with ease and love and enthusiasm and joy....and i am attracting to me the experiences that bolster this, releasing those that bind and stagnate me. I have movement...and the ability to have it, including a well running vehicle, debt paid off, endless effortless supply of money that comes when I need it. Effortless food and shelter and love and places to make art, and be in art communities, and learn and grow from others. My thoughts keep pulling me east. A journey east...i've never driven that far before and i'm yearning to explore. hiking and camping and backpacking ( a first...i've NEVER gone backpacking before...i'd like that to become a reality). All of this grounded in reality, in the physical in the planet. In this energy i'm aligning with, I am giving my body what it needs, I am listening and responding appropriately. and when I DON'T respond 'appropriately' its not a HUGE deal...i just pick up and keep going, instead of letting it to build and fester into something bigger.

I feel scenery of warm weather, a slight blowing cooling wind, lots of trees and nature, white canopies, calm serene beaches, good company. People who are honest and will call me out when i become un-aligned (in a caring and loving way). people who will laugh at and with me lovingly. The fear is gone, and when it arises i have the strength and courage to look past it to the love that's hiding beneath. I have permission to be tender....and vulnerable...the weight of 'being strong' is no longer necessary where i'm going. I have joy and I approach people with joy and love and acceptance. Boat rides out in calm waters, slightly choppy waters, sunset the breeze flowing around me, through my hair. Peace, warm, calm, love. Every time I reach out and extend myself effortlessly i am rewarded 10-fold, filling my needs and overflowing to those around me. As i'm supported those around me who I can help  are supported and fulfilled as well. Art is all bound up in this. the art of living, the art of creating...i have space to create this art and work on this art. the space is warm and inviting and there is lots of table space, as well as the necessary pieces of equipment, printing press, ceramic/pottery facilities and kiln, sewing machines, everything needed to create what i dream up. A further exploration into myself and sharing it with the world. My art gets seen, and loved and appreciated (my art is kind of hidden right now). there are people around to help push me through that fear of being seen and also talk me through the steps i need to take to get it seen.

my heart and soul and body and mind, are all well nourished.

So....i guess i really do have an idea of where i want to go next hehe.....when I'm in the bay i want to make art, and play and feel love, and be love and continue this crazy thing i started which is such a joy in exploration for me. I am supported 100% when i choose me 100% the universe will support my goals if i see them clearly (like spilling water lol).

The universe has supported me this far. <3

Another thing I just read in an email....Connect..and let it flow...connect to the divine in me and others, and don't control where its coming from....this is my constant lesson these days =)