Ever since I made the declaration to the universe that I am open to thinking about relationships again...the confusing/annoying feelings come back HAHAHA. I gave myself a break and shut that part of me down so I could figure out who I was. And now that i've opened it back up, the universe has provided me with ample opportunities to work on and look at that space.
I'm amazed at how much a cute guy with awesome energy can throw me off balance and pulls me back into conflicting emotions of insecurity and low self worth. But I've faced these differently, even noting the cuteness, I also note that I'm not heading into a relationship at top speed anymore. So I've been able to pull back and see the person that they are and not just the shiny energy.
This is me: I see a boy with shiny energy and head straight for him like a bug to a light, and then....I eventually get burned because i've been spending all of my energy starting at the light and not taking care of myself. They become the center, I lose my sense of balance and everything eventually falls apart because I start to make decisions based on wanting to be around that shiny energy instead of where I am in integrity with my higher self. That reaching pulls me furthur and further outside of myself until I depend on that cute boy to not only be my center but start supporting all my emotional insecurities which I then DUMP ALLLLLLLLLL OVVVVVERRRRRR the place...big fat stinking pile of smelly messy....And I, being an aware individual, who also has a shiny light, seem to be attracting more men who like the shiny...but are also aware individuals (even if they don't KNOW that)...but once my energy turns to reaching out....low self worth all over the place. and they SEE it because...well they're sensitive and in tune...and get turned off and pull away....where i reach out even more...and ugly cycle all over the place.
I also just noticed the distinction I just made up there ^.....boys and men. The part of me connected to my relationship space is a little girl...I really don't consider myself a woman, there's a big part of me that just doesn't feel grown up, so i'm just a girl...not so little anymore..but not a woman. And why is this? I haven't 'grown up'....I haven't gotten a 'grown up job' and bought my own house and all the things that grown up people do. Instead I escaped the bay...and some very key, big emotions, to get some space to look at myself. and this is a big one....that apparently i haven't been wanting to look at...
and I don't know how to make that change in distinction, I want to but i'm a little afraid, of once i take on this manifold/valence of being a WOMAN. I have to fit the stereotypes, i have a role to play. When i think of woman...i think of sensuous, curvy, deep, whole....A lot of it relates to sexuality. and THAT....while I have gotten a whole lot more comfortable with the subject and my own...there's still a small part that says that its taboo and to be hidden and not shared openly. When its really a wholesome part of me.
But i'm ready, i'm ready to come out of girl-hood and be a woman....not a grown up....never a grown up =p. But to allow myself to take on the scary role of possibly (maybe) being a sexual being.....openly. This doesn't mean I want to go on crazy sex-capades or anything. in fact i think its the exact opposite...i think of some of the relationships....or 'friends' i've had and the way I forced my sexuality on them....almost as i needed to let her out, she comes out and overwhelms the poor boy. but ther'es this need to prove that I am 'that' and so a part of me forces it....i don't want to force it anymore. I don't like the pattern, it makes the whole thing start out in a bad place.
Where instead....if I allow myself to just BE a WOMAN. exude it, know it, love it....instead of hiding it....maybe....(just maybe...but i'm pretty sure its more than a maybe). i'll start creating the kind of relationship that I REALLY want.
Where I start seeing a man...not boys. Where I start standing up for my feelings and being open and honest....and (scary) vulnerable..... Where I not only AM a woman...but I inspire in him to be a man. to be an equal to be a partner...in more than a physical way...in an emotionally supportive way. But since I AM a woman, I got most of my shit together and don't use the relationship as the space to dump my emotional trash...i got other places to do THAT....THAT is why I have a spiritual practice...a meditation practice, what giving readings and healings help me with....release emotional trash, that no longer has a place and is taking up precious space and cluttering up my mental/emotional/spiritual interior. I am going through a BIG spring cleaning..and I JUST came about this old dusty ugly pile of.....earwax that was sitting on the bottom of a pile of crap...that is clogging up my ability to move on in this space and blocking me from hearing my own truth.
Well not anymore. I am moving forward in integrity. I am being my wholesome self, and allow myself to be identified as a woman. We shall see where it goes from here =)
~~~~~
And back to the beginning where the universe is helping me trigger all of the emotional baggage......in addition to being drawn to this guy....there is also the part of me that wants to act cool, i have a wall up, i want to show him why i'm so cool. and a lot of that is talking to people around him.....without actually talking to HIM (hoping he's listening and wants to be a part of my cool club and invites himself in) being boisterous and dumb, showing off, amplifying things that don't really matter, and pretty much putting up this wall of indifference...i don't show him that i actually care about him, i do mean things to "test' him. And all of this because i'm afraid to show him my soft squishy vulnerable side....(unless its involved with me dumping emotional crap on him...then i'm ALLLLLL broken down).
But...there's a way to be open, honest and vulnerable...without needing anything in return, without being needy and less than. I can stand in my truth, own my information, and WHO I am...while honoring the other person and who he is, and let go of the need to justify. I am weird, I am also into spirituality on a level a lot of people don't 'get' just yet. The things I say don't sit well with some of them. part of that is me learning what to say and how much to say to who...But there's also a part of that ...that IS my reality. I THINK in terms of energy now. I am in tune with astrological events like portals...and I FEEL the difference. Tragedy happens and even if i'm feeling pain...i still have a deep knowing and trust that it is all in my best interest as spirit....a lot of people don't get that part yet. And i'm really tired of relationships where that part of me is belittled or needs justification or excuse.
I don't know,... i have no exact answers for myself yet , but thinking about it is important...I feel that there i something here in need of further exploration, its all built around not standing up and owning my power. Owning my information, instead of that....i usually make myself small and secede to the other person...or block myself off and fight until I feel like crap...either way is not fun. I am worthy, there are things that I have to say that others will not agree with. I don't have to back down just because it triggers them. I also don't have to shove it in their face, to give me a platform to stand on in case there is an argument.
To me...owning my information, means being whole and at one with myself and so secure about what i feel and believe that I DON'T need to shove it in the faces of others before they even ask. I notice how I present the subject when the person is not ready for it and then they are reeling because its like a punch to the gut....a defense of mine to 'dare' them to defy a part of me.
Poor people....i've had nothing but accepting responses (whether or not they actually agree with me, they are still accepting me) and here i am badgering them with my beliefs....doing what i don't want to have done to me....the reason why i was so resistant to church for a long time is because i didn't want beliefs and faith forced upon me...and then i try and do it to them....*sigh* lol
ooh relationships to religion, to....all kinds of things! and yet its all interconnected on the basic level of standing up for myself and standing IN myself. being whole and complete as i am...not backing down just because someone is more exuberant in their beliefs than i am...I don't HAVE to say anything, i don't HAVE to try and change their minds.
And to bring this back to relationships...i don't HAVE to change them. I also don't have to stay with them if i find its no longer working for me.
And....so it begins....another deepening into myself and exploring...this time i'm taking this journey more visibly, writing on internet journal instead of regular journal....transparency...scary but necessary for me to 'get' it.
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