The Grunewald Guild

I've been at the guild as an artist in residence/volunteer since mid January.....that will leave me a couple of days short of 6 months when I leave on June 16th. In these past 5 and a half months I've come to consider this place a home. A home that has more fullness and acceptance than I've ever allowed myself to experience.

A little background on me, I am not nor have I ever really considered myself a Christian. I was raised Lutheran, but it was never enforced and after a move at the age of 8, we never went to church as a family again. I was an avid reader of sci-fi/fantasy novels, and fairly early on I started exploring alternative faiths and ways of connecting to the divine. There was a short period of time where i read about Wicca, and had decided I liked what they were saying so I was going to be a wiccan.....that didn't last long. But the things I read stuck with me, and then after high-school I starting taking classes in meditation, and shortly after jumped into a year long intensive clairvoyant training program at the Berkeley Psychic Institute. From then on I used the tools I learned there to continue exploring the nature of the divine. I started to weave and build upon my ideas while I worked on my Bachelor of Fine Arts at San Jose State. My art became a way for me to further express and explore these feelings, and started to become trans-formative for me as i was able to see my journey in a visual nature. I studied print-making and oil painting in school and then had a job working for a company that made ceramic plaques with baby hands and feet, where I begun to become more familiar with ceramics and often used the leftover clay to make sculptures.

Last year in June, my job at that company ended leaving me with no job, and no jobs coming in. At this point I had developed a sense of trust and faith in the universe/god/divine source (whatever you want to call it). And realized, no jobs were manifesting, because I needed to make some changes and finally move (like I had been wanting to FOR YEEAAARRSSSS). So at the end of August I drove north, visited friends through Oregon and ended up in Bellingham, WA, where i stayed with my dad's friends from before i was born. In December I found out about the guild doing a search for sanctuary spaces i could volunteer at. I felt a deep need to disconnect from everything, and find myself.

In the middle of a huge storm I arrived at the guild, there was 4-5 ft of snow on the ground and there were hills of snow in the parking lot (which i later found out to be vehicles). I had some trepidation about coming here. I read about their christian roots, and I was wary. My experience as someone who has never quite felt at home within the christian faith is that most Christians that I met would try to convert me or judge my beliefs. And I was wary about being accepted.

But my worries were unfounded. Those at the guild live a life that I would consider more like the life of Christ himself. They have their own beliefs...and they are strong in their own beliefs, but not ONE of them has tried to force any of their beliefs upon me. They accepted me and cared for me as I was. They gave me space to be whatever I needed to be, and were willing to dialogue about the differences in beliefs. It is through these dialogues that I have come to realize that my 'issue' with Christianity was really an issue I had with myself. I felt so insecure within myself that I would push MY beliefs upon others. (exactly what i disliked about 'the supposed Christians') I realized I had made a caricature within my head, and I had never REALLY looked at it again, I was slighted by one or two people  when I was young and it had forever changed my vision (i don't even remember the particular instances anymore), I have looked at it through that same lens and never stopped to see if maybe the view had changed.

The guild has an ecumenical christian founding but it is not overtly so. There are some touches here and there of crosses or paintings of Jesus. But what really stands out is the love of art and faith.  There are rich paintings and sculptures everywhere which just have an aliveness to them. And THAT is the joy that they share here. They don't care what faith you are from, but they want to help you discover your own faith and joy WITHIN art. Here, you have permission to make a mess, make mistakes....and its all ok, in fact..its encouraged, because it is within your mistakes and messes are where the true gems lie.

I've already had this sense of play and faith and joy within my art, but within this space its given me the permission as a person to be a mess. I don't have to have it all together, I don't have to know it all, if I'm emotional, I'm going to cry my eyes out.....and its ok. I've had permission to make mistakes, I've stepped on people's toes, forced my opinions on people (or tried), not really listened and assumed i knew it all, said more than a couple of stupid things, I've started a project that was too big and couldn't finish it and through all of this instead of feeling punished I've been redirected, reminded of what i was doing, and supported as a person.  

Through these ups and downs I've started to see who I REALLY am...instead of who i thought i was supposed to be. I've figured out that I can find things out for myself and I don't have to rely on other people's expertise. I've also figured out that it is OK to ask for help and admit that I am wrong, as well as admit that someone knows more than me...it doesn't make ME any less of a person. I've figured out that I'm tired of painting on flat surfaces, I'm not interested in clean paper or flat prints. I want to make my prints come alive...to come off the wall. I would rather my art make someone happy than to make a lot of money from it. I want my art to touch people. I've discovered that many things i was afraid of doing before have actually become exhilarating and joyful. I've discovered that its OK to be HUMAN....there's no such thing as perfection. I've discovered even more the faith/belief and complete absolute trust in the divine. And the only way to touch people is to BE what you believe...If I want to feel love, I have to BE love. If i want to feel accepted, I have to BE accepting. If i want to be heard, I have to really LISTEN and HEAR what a person is. I really enjoy the moment where I fully connect with and see another person, hear another person. And really get, WHO they are, not the dirty lens that they might usually be seen through. And most importantly I have to LET GO. Let go of any expectations that I might have of this other person. Let go of any needs I have of this other person.

And the Guild has made all of this possible. When you create and hold a space, people have permission and a chance to heal themselves and change themselves. And the Grunewald Guild is a fantastic example of this. Nestled in the cascade mountains, surrounded by trees and nature, and a river, and gorgeous days...you get a grounding from nature itself. The grounds are large and weaved into the land, there are pockets of stillness. There is art everywhere, expressions of the individual people who have been touched by the guild in the last 33 years. All this creates a prime atmosphere for growth and space. Walking around the grounds you just feel safe....it IS a sanctuary, built and infused with love and spirit. This is a safe space for anyone to explore their inner workings. But this is also a place with permission to try anything...if you want to teach a class, then you are encouraged and have the space to do so.

As I mentally ready myself to leave this place there is sadness, and also a lot of love. The things I have gained here, I will take with me. I am grateful to have had the space to just be who I am, and to become more grounded in the person I am becoming. It's been a journey, and the journey has just begun, I'm glad that it is grounded in the spirit and love of this place, its a great energy to take with me.