back in the bay

I've been back in the bay for 3 days now, and it has been a whirlwind of energy, wedding, gathering, baby shower. seeing a portion of the friends i haven't seen in a long while. As I was driving back to where i'm staying this evening, I felt...overwhelmed...too many people's. Of course because these events are wedding and baby shower, i'm around more than just my friends, i'm around their family and friends whom i haven't met before. And that's ok. but there is a part of me that got overpeopled. and just the thought of trying to see everyone made me sick to my stomach. And its not that I don't want to see my friends. its more like i don't want to plan anything.

I also came from a place where there was a core group of less than 10 people, whom i saw almost every day, and there was plenty of down time and places to get away. I was in an area where there were small amounts of people compared to the amount of population that is the bay.

I've already driven to santa cruz, driven to san jose, to union city.....sooo.....much....driving. Just the energy of lots of people in the air and the driving everywhere. THAT is what turned me off about the bay and had me wanting to leave. too much doing. It has nothing to do with how i feel about the people i know and care about. but the lifestyle of doing, doing, doing, and doing so much and not giving yourself a lot of downtime, that you have to find means to zone out and shut off. Whether its drinking or tv, or video games, or....whatever, just something to help you shut down and off.

When I got home tonight I felt exhausted....and I started to feel myself zone out...playing on the phone. Instead of caring for my needs (i was hungry)...and I AM pretty tired.  I was reminded of bringing myself back into the present by a very enthusiastic dog. And I'm reminded of all of the things that i want my self to be. I want more presence and awareness...and i got it. and coming back into a different environment, i'm noticing the bombardment, the closed in ness. And that dosen't have to be my reality, I don't HAVE to match the energy of the place, but now is when i've noticed it the most. Now is where my discipline to hold my space will be challenged.

i'm feeling the urge to make some changes, shift things around again. and now that i'm back in the vicinity of friends and family, this is where i'm being pushed to speak up and vocalize my needs. and my need to not be overtly distracted. There's a pushing and pulling, a need to connect and be with everyone again. but also a need to do the things i need to do for my soul. So i'm a bit unbalanced at the moment. pulling back and forth between those two spaces. finding the equalibrium. noticing that i'm uncomfortable in one way and making the change. there is no judgment...just awareness. As I become aware of where I judge myself, I surrender and let go...sometimes right away ....sometimes i need to fight with it a little bit...and that is just where I am...and i'm ok with that.....(most of the time hehe).

so...this is where i am....unbalanced, pretty tired. finding grounding one moment and then having a wave of 'zone out' wash over me the next....and for now...i'm just going to sit with it and allow it to be. ...

there's a lot to process  =)