getting aligned

I'm starting to feel like I don't have much to say. There are some days where there is a litany spewing forth from my brain....But I keep coming back to the same thing. Simplification, presence....in the present...and letting go of control (or the illusion of control, because what can you REALLY control?)

As I simplify and become more in tune, aligned with my higher truth, i'm finding less of a need to talk. I'm realizing, that most of my talking to this point has been trying to 'catch' another person's attention, care, validation, love. I felt that if I showed that I was needy enough I would get it. But in reality all that does is turn a person away, they get over inundated, they can't take anymore in...and they mentally shut off. Their presence is gone. I also find that my talking is a fear of empty spaces. that empty space in a conversation, where there is silence, I search in my head for something to say, to fill the gaps.

Before it didn't take very long for me to find something to fill the gaps.

But NOW....now i'm finding....that most of what i would 'reach' for....is unecessary.  There's a part of me when I have a good experience/ communication with someone...I WANT MOAR...more of that person, more of that goodness. i want to roll myself in it, surround myself in it. And i'm sad and a little let down when that other person leaves. Because i've started to build an expectation around that person. That this good feeling comes from "THIS ONE PERSON" and I can't have it with anyone else.

But that good feeling persists even after the person has left the conversation. That good feeling...is presence. Is ME, really paying attention to and connecting with myself..and myself IN another person. I've had several phone conversations and some in person conversations today. And in all of them i've noticed where the lull was, and I was content to just have those spaces. Before my mind kicked in and said 'I needed to say something....cus we're on the phone...of course we should talk!" But i have less to say, there is less of an inner need to put in my say, tell MY story, say what I think. I can let go of the story I have for every little thing that has been brought up. As I let go of all my "problems' (which aren't really problems) and start to be grateful for what I have, what comes up is stuff that i would previously have deemed too personal, inner workings, total honesty of what i'm feeling..... i still caught myself avoiding eye contact....

I'm facing those fears, falling into them, every time I caught myself I wondered why... I talk, but don't look to see how the other person reacts...then I turned my eyes and attention back. One of the reasons is that I lose my train of thought when I look at another person in the eyes.... and I realize...this is because it doesn't REALLY matter. If it DID matter, I would be able to say it and remember it either way. And what DOES come out, is what's most important. I instead started to notice the care and love for another person. Actually caring how that person thinks and feels, and all of a sudden, what I have to say is unimportant....and it leaves me with this inner glow. 

wow....good awareness <3