My time here at the guild (http://grunewaldguild.com/) has been fantastic. and Its almost coming to an end....for now. I have a sense that my work here is not finished and I will be coming back here many more times...but for now...my time here is coming to an end, and I'm finding myself slowly being enveloped back into the world I came from.

When I drove north at the end of August last year, my intention was to get away, to find some space.....I was overwhelmed...too many imagined obligations and too much distraction. When I came to the guild my intention was to go inward and heal, find myself....and I have, I feel like I'm getting a grasp on who I want to be and who I am, as opposed to who I showed everybody. I'm gaining the nerve to stand up and show who I am, despite how much it triggers everyone around me....I don't have to bend and hide just because they are uncomfortable (not that I try to make people uncomfortable purposely). But I still feel weak...fresh....tender....And with the acquisition of a new fancy phone which makes it easier to be connected again, i'm finding myself falling into the same old tendancies of distracting myself.

There's something to explore....just under my skin, that is coming up, coming to the surface, growing in my gut. It requires me to delve back in, and look it in the eyes. And there's something about that, that is really scary. Just to go into the studio I find myself finding other things to do instead of work on anything. i'm also cleaning up my supplies and i'm finding the quantity of my prolific-ness daunting and overwhelming. And even though i have 2 and a half weeks left here, my whole self is itching and nervous and anxious and getting ready to jump back into the big pond.

When I left the bay, I put things aside, things I didn't want to look at, I couldn't, I was EXHAUSTED. Now that I have my strength back...i'm still stripped bared, a tender shoot, that will soon be a tree. I feel myself being pulled into old patterns, even being 2 states away. Just because I'VE changed...doesn't mean they have. i'm contemplating, how do i re-enter that space but still maintain my growth my change.

If I want to create and maintain the growth and changes, I need to stay with them. Continue in integrity and alignment, no matter how squirly I start to get inside...and there lies the difficult/uncomfortable part....the squirlyness, being uncomfortable.

Today when i started to feel that uncomfortableness while cleaning up my things and then talking to family from the bay (who i haven't talked to since before I left). I immediately turned to mind numbing things. I went in search of sweets...(there is pie....it is good) and then I snacked....even though i wasn't hungry ....and then i piled a plate high with nachos and went in search of the delicious jalepeno cheese dip...but it was nowhere to be found. And THEN i buried myself into a book. All disconnecting, distract myself actions. But a new thing....I was aware of it all...as i was doing it. and there was a change in the intensity of the numbness  it used to be able to provide...instead it just left me kind of unsatisfied.

I can feel a building of intensity in my core, spreading and wanting to be seen and rejoiced and experienced...it doesn't want to be denied...it CAN'T be denied anymore....at least not if I want to continue my growth (which I do) stagnancy is NOT an option. I won't be able to survive in this world with stagnancy. I must reach out and further my dream.....if i only knew what it is that i wanted.

That's what stops me...i don't really know what I WANT...i know what i don't want. I want peace, and love, and connectedness and wholeness, and inclusiveness and being worthy. but those aren't tangible things. I have these medicine cards that i use less than i used to. and today I pulled contrary lizard. lizard is about dreaming. One of the key elements of contrary lizard is stagnancy, a lack of dream for the future. And that SCARED me. because I don't know...i don't KNOW...what i want to do...

that stirred up all the things i 'should' be doing, all the things i 'thought' i had wanted to do. and That stirred up the overwhelm-ed-ness. I'm spiraling down, inward. connecting more with wholeness. and in order for me to stay aligned its time for me to take some action...at the very least in the form of dreaming for where I want to go and do. Everything so far as been more than granted to me...overwhelmingly so.

So today I asked the universe....to show me possibilities, to show me other ways to support myself, I am flying, right now I have baby bird wings that are gangly, awkward and unbalanced, but i am building muscle. I need direction, and i forget that i don't have to do it by myself...I FORGET that i can ask for help and I will receive it...I trust enough to know that i will recieve what i ask for...(heck...just a little bit ago i imagined spilling my water and then not 3 seconds later i spilled it even grander than i originally pictured....so the universe does provide what i 'ask' for....thoughts are manifesting at frightening speeds).

The energy I'm aligning with is peace and love and effortlessness. Effortless freedom and the ability to soar. what this looks like, is lightness, travel, less physical possessions (and less need for the physical possesions). ART....tons of art, art infused into my world, i am creating and destroying and creating with ease and love and enthusiasm and joy....and i am attracting to me the experiences that bolster this, releasing those that bind and stagnate me. I have movement...and the ability to have it, including a well running vehicle, debt paid off, endless effortless supply of money that comes when I need it. Effortless food and shelter and love and places to make art, and be in art communities, and learn and grow from others. My thoughts keep pulling me east. A journey east...i've never driven that far before and i'm yearning to explore. hiking and camping and backpacking ( a first...i've NEVER gone backpacking before...i'd like that to become a reality). All of this grounded in reality, in the physical in the planet. In this energy i'm aligning with, I am giving my body what it needs, I am listening and responding appropriately. and when I DON'T respond 'appropriately' its not a HUGE deal...i just pick up and keep going, instead of letting it to build and fester into something bigger.

I feel scenery of warm weather, a slight blowing cooling wind, lots of trees and nature, white canopies, calm serene beaches, good company. People who are honest and will call me out when i become un-aligned (in a caring and loving way). people who will laugh at and with me lovingly. The fear is gone, and when it arises i have the strength and courage to look past it to the love that's hiding beneath. I have permission to be tender....and vulnerable...the weight of 'being strong' is no longer necessary where i'm going. I have joy and I approach people with joy and love and acceptance. Boat rides out in calm waters, slightly choppy waters, sunset the breeze flowing around me, through my hair. Peace, warm, calm, love. Every time I reach out and extend myself effortlessly i am rewarded 10-fold, filling my needs and overflowing to those around me. As i'm supported those around me who I can help  are supported and fulfilled as well. Art is all bound up in this. the art of living, the art of creating...i have space to create this art and work on this art. the space is warm and inviting and there is lots of table space, as well as the necessary pieces of equipment, printing press, ceramic/pottery facilities and kiln, sewing machines, everything needed to create what i dream up. A further exploration into myself and sharing it with the world. My art gets seen, and loved and appreciated (my art is kind of hidden right now). there are people around to help push me through that fear of being seen and also talk me through the steps i need to take to get it seen.

my heart and soul and body and mind, are all well nourished.

So....i guess i really do have an idea of where i want to go next hehe.....when I'm in the bay i want to make art, and play and feel love, and be love and continue this crazy thing i started which is such a joy in exploration for me. I am supported 100% when i choose me 100% the universe will support my goals if i see them clearly (like spilling water lol).

The universe has supported me this far. <3

Another thing I just read in an email....Connect..and let it flow...connect to the divine in me and others, and don't control where its coming from....this is my constant lesson these days =)

Relationships -mixed up mental dump monday!

Ever since I made the declaration to the universe that I am open to thinking about relationships again...the confusing/annoying feelings come back HAHAHA. I gave myself a break and shut that part of me down so I could figure out who I was. And now that i've opened it back up, the universe has provided me with ample opportunities to work on and look at that space.

I'm amazed at how much a cute guy with awesome energy can throw me off balance and pulls me back into conflicting emotions of insecurity and low self worth. But I've faced these differently, even noting the cuteness, I also note that I'm not heading into a relationship at top speed anymore. So I've been able to pull back and see the person that they are and not just the shiny energy.

This is me: I see a boy with shiny energy and head straight for him like a bug to a light, and then....I eventually get burned because i've been spending all of my energy starting at the light and not taking care of myself. They become the center, I lose my sense of balance and everything eventually falls apart because I start to make decisions based on wanting to be around that shiny energy instead of where I am in integrity with my higher self. That reaching pulls me furthur and further outside of myself until I depend on that cute boy to not only be my center but start supporting all my emotional insecurities which I then DUMP ALLLLLLLLLL OVVVVVERRRRRR the place...big fat stinking pile of smelly messy....And I, being an aware individual, who also has a shiny light, seem to be attracting more men who like the shiny...but are also aware individuals (even if they don't KNOW that)...but once my energy turns to reaching out....low self worth all over the place. and they SEE it because...well they're sensitive and in tune...and get turned off and pull away....where i reach out even more...and ugly cycle all over the place.

I also just noticed the distinction I just made up there ^.....boys and men. The part of me connected to my relationship space is a little girl...I really don't consider myself a woman, there's a big part of me that just doesn't feel grown up, so i'm just a girl...not so little anymore..but not a woman. And why is this? I haven't 'grown up'....I haven't gotten a 'grown up job' and bought my own house and all the things that grown up people do. Instead I escaped the bay...and some very key, big emotions, to get some space to look at myself. and this is a big one....that apparently i haven't been wanting to look at...

and I don't know how to make that change in distinction, I want to but i'm a little afraid, of once i take on this manifold/valence of being a WOMAN. I have to fit the stereotypes, i have a role to play. When i think of woman...i think of sensuous, curvy, deep, whole....A lot of it relates to sexuality. and THAT....while I have gotten a whole lot more comfortable with the subject and my own...there's still a small part that says that its taboo and to be hidden and not shared openly. When its really a wholesome part of me.

But i'm ready, i'm ready to come out of girl-hood and be a woman....not a grown up....never a grown up =p. But to allow myself to take on the scary role of possibly (maybe) being a sexual being.....openly. This doesn't mean I want to go on crazy sex-capades or anything. in fact i think its the exact opposite...i think of some of the relationships....or 'friends' i've had and the way I forced my sexuality on them....almost as i needed to let her out, she comes out and overwhelms the poor boy. but ther'es this need to prove that I am 'that' and so a part of me forces it....i don't want to force it anymore. I don't like the pattern, it makes the whole thing start out in a bad place.
Where instead....if I allow myself to just BE a WOMAN. exude it, know it, love it....instead of hiding it....maybe....(just maybe...but i'm pretty sure its more than a maybe). i'll start creating the kind of relationship that I REALLY want.

Where I start seeing a man...not boys. Where I start standing up for my feelings and being open and honest....and (scary) vulnerable..... Where I not only AM a woman...but I inspire in him to be a man. to be an equal to be a partner...in more than a physical way...in an emotionally supportive way. But since I AM a woman, I got most of my shit together and don't use the relationship as the space to dump my emotional trash...i got other places to do THAT....THAT is why I have a spiritual practice...a meditation practice, what giving readings and healings help me with....release emotional trash, that no longer has a place and is taking up precious space and cluttering up my mental/emotional/spiritual interior. I am going through a BIG spring cleaning..and I JUST came about this old dusty ugly pile of.....earwax that was sitting on the bottom of a pile of crap...that is clogging up my ability to move on in this space and blocking me from hearing my own truth.

Well not anymore. I am moving forward in integrity. I am being my wholesome self, and allow myself to be identified as a woman. We shall see where it goes from here =)

~~~~~
And back to the beginning where the universe is helping me trigger all of the emotional baggage......in addition to being drawn to this guy....there is also the part of me that wants to act cool, i have a wall up, i want to show him why i'm so cool. and a lot of that is talking to people around him.....without actually talking to HIM (hoping he's listening and wants to be a part of my cool club and invites himself in) being boisterous and dumb, showing off, amplifying things that don't really matter, and pretty much putting up this wall of indifference...i don't show him that i actually care about him, i do mean things to "test' him. And all of this because i'm afraid to show him my soft squishy vulnerable side....(unless its involved with me dumping emotional crap on him...then i'm ALLLLLL broken down).

But...there's a way to be open, honest and vulnerable...without needing anything in return, without being needy and less than. I can stand in my truth, own my information, and WHO I am...while honoring the other person and who he is, and let go of the need to justify. I am weird, I am also into spirituality on a level a lot of people don't 'get' just yet. The things I say don't sit well with some of them. part of that is me learning what to say and how much to say to who...But there's also a part of that ...that IS my reality. I THINK in terms of energy now.  I am in tune with astrological events like portals...and I FEEL the difference. Tragedy happens and even if i'm feeling pain...i still have a deep knowing and trust that it is all in my best interest as spirit....a lot of people don't get that part yet. And i'm really tired of relationships where that part of me is belittled or needs justification or excuse.

I don't know,... i have no exact answers for myself yet , but thinking about it is important...I feel that there i something here in need of further exploration, its all built around not standing up and owning my power. Owning my information, instead of that....i usually make myself small and secede to the other person...or block myself off and fight until I feel like crap...either way is not fun. I am worthy, there are things that I have to say that others will not agree with. I don't have to back down just because it triggers them. I also don't have to shove it in their face, to give me a platform to stand on in case there is an argument.

To me...owning my information, means being whole and at one with myself and so secure about what i feel and believe that I DON'T need to shove it in the faces of others before they even ask. I notice how I present the subject when the person is not ready for it and then they are reeling because its like a punch to the gut....a defense of mine to 'dare' them to defy a part of me.

Poor people....i've had nothing but accepting responses (whether or not they actually agree with me, they are still accepting me) and here i am badgering them with my beliefs....doing what i don't want to have done to me....the reason why i was so resistant to church for a long time is because i didn't want beliefs and faith forced upon me...and then i try and do it to them....*sigh* lol

ooh relationships to religion, to....all kinds of things! and yet its all interconnected on the basic level of standing up for myself and standing IN myself. being whole and complete as i am...not backing down just because someone is more exuberant in their beliefs than i am...I don't HAVE to say anything, i don't HAVE to try and change their minds.

And to bring this back to relationships...i don't HAVE to change them. I also don't have to stay with them if i find its no longer working for me.

And....so it begins....another deepening into myself and exploring...this time i'm taking this journey more visibly, writing on internet journal instead of regular journal....transparency...scary but necessary for me to 'get' it.

Wild Things

We watched 'Where the Wild Things Are" tonight. This is a gooooood movie, its also an uncomfortable one. Its sad, there is no straight happy ending, but there's hope and a change in perception and awareness.

I watched the movie when it first came out on dvd..or maybe a little after, I remember a friend telling me 'its sad, are you sure you want to watch it?' I watched it and then mentally distanced myself from it until today really. There is an underlying theme of the darkness and the rawness and the pain of human emotion, especially the life of a child who's family isn't perfect. You aren't explicitly told, but it is a family without a father (who knows if he died or left them).  And there's pain, where the older sister ignores the pain of the younger brother who is just trying to reach out for connection in anyway he knows how. And when he doesn't get it, there is a reaction of rawness and crazyness, that confuses the rest of his family.

I BAWLED my eyes out. An underlying theme for me is an opening of my internal world. I'm shedding one by one, and some in groups...all of the mental/emotional/social mechanisms I use to hide behind/seperate myself from others. Because I'm embarassed or more aptly uncomfortable with the emotion that i'm feeling. So i would become numb to it and pretend it isn't there by hiding behind an image of 'i'm perfect' 'i got it all under control' ' i know/am better than you'.....all of these lies that i hid behind because i was scared of feeling the pain....the rawness.

So i'm allowing myself to be more vulnerable and open, and also as transparent as possible. The baggage of identities had gotten too much, always trying to be like this particular person or group in order to fit in and be accepted. When most of these people accept me for me anyways, I don't HAVE to like all the same things. its an impossible burden I lay upon myself. So as i'm connecting and learning to BE with this vulnerable place i'm noticing things. One of the things is that all the times I approach this discomfort and vulnerability I immediately look for distractions, somewhere to be, go, do that will pull my attention away from that one thing. And often times that distraction is in the form of self defeating/beating thoughts.

I didn't want to think about this movie after I had watched it because it was too uncomfortable for me to be with those emotions at that time. This is also why I don't always 'really' listen to another person....because I am uncomfortable with what their experience is. But i'm finding, if i catch myself, i can be WITH the person, and listen even if i don't have anything to say...and especially if i don't have anything to say on it. Alot of the time... the person really just needs someone to talk to. There is healing in communication. To finally speak and give form to a thought that has been roaming around in your head, out loud, to another person in an environment of understanding can be healing and transformative.

I am often taken off guard...a little less now than before...when i realize that people are REALLY listening to me. not only listening to what i have to say but also to me. where i am, what i have to say....all of that is important. I am important and worthy of the attention.

The more I realize that what I have to say actually matters...the less need i have, to say things that don't matter. Every day there's something new to let go of, something else to loosen my need for control over. And its not always easy, sometimes there are MONDO attachments to 'needing' a certain thing to happen. But i'm finding the key is to be in the present and enjoy the present. to not give in to the voices that try and tell me i should be doing something else. And to be really kind to myself, to love myself, and forgive myself if i slip up. It's a learning curve, and i'm skating the outside going to fast sometimes.....But I think i'm getting something out of it.

White Resonant Wizard

Today on the Tzolken Calendar is White Resonant Wizard. (for more info go: http://resonanttruth.com/, http://www.icandosomething.com/mayancalendar/, http://lawoftime.org/thirteenmoon.html)

It is my galactic/mayan birthday. I was first introduced to this calendar last year at the end of August....the end of the first moon/month of this particular way of viewing time, and soon after it was my 'mayan' birthday. (I say 'mayan' loosely because its not EXACTLY mayan, but its a calendar modeled after the mayan one). Since the year is in a cycle of 260 days (or so). Its not even a year is up and Its my birthday again. This brings me back to looking at my journey for the past 260 days. I started by driving north, and I ended up here. Its amazing....

My code spell for today and my birthday is:

I channel in order to enchant,

inspiring receptivity

i seal the output of timelessness with the resonant tone of attunement

I am guided by the power of death

reading this now makes sense.....I do channel..I channel a higher voice, god, creation...and when i'm really in tune...it does enchant...people get it. they start making changes, they start doing things for themselves which is often. I inspire people to open up and be receptive.....I've been doing this my entire life. in the moment they're against me, and fight me, or deny it. but later....all of my intense personal relationships...after i've moved out of the way, they have ALL made changes for themselves for the better. It took a while but they opened up just a little bit. and that created more opening up. 

Now this part I kind of struggled with, because there's this need to have the recognition that I inspired that in you. So when it wasn't immediate gratification I was discouraged....And anyways the change wasnt for me...it was FOR the other person. That was a gift. 

Wizard is modern day shaman, I've always been connected to another way of thinking and viewing the world. Growing up I didn't believe that this is all their was....when I was told of the idea of heaven...it didn't make sense....why would you need streets paved of gold when you are dead...gold is just a shiny metal. I don't ever consciously remember anyone telling me I HAD to believe what they believed, and that they were right and I was wrong....but somewhere along the line I got turned away (almost visciously) from organized religion. And I found my way in another direction....to end up believing the same things that jesus taught. So...go figure, I found my way....differently.

So a shaman is a seer, someone who is connected to multiple worlds, a healer, a teacher, a guide. I am most of these...and becoming the others. It is in my nature to lead, but not tell you what to do.  I'll give you the tools for you to create your own way. 

i seal of timelessness with attunement. Attunement in the dictionary is: being or bringing into harmony; a feeling of being "at one" with another being. Being in tune with others. (resonant is the name of the tone). I seal the timelessness with a sense of being at one and in tune. Timelessness....between things and time.....there is space, there is a timelessness that pervades everything if we just stop and see it. 

Part of my birth here on this planet, what is an underlying driving force... is to bring people (and myself) in tune with each other, and in tune with the space between things...otherwise known as the divine. 

I am guided by the power of death. I'm actually guided by the seal worldbridger who's power is death. Death here is not a bad thing. Death is a space and a connection to the other side (again the shaman). Death is an end of one form, to create space for that energy to begin another form. 

I'm reminded of the Death card in Tarot, people think it's a bad sign. But death is a necessary force in our world. Somethings HAVE to end, in order to make room for new creation. 

As humans we get so caught up in this need for everything to be the same, and comfortable...and well....its boring. Have you ever told someone, or heard  someone tell you 'don't ever change'? do you Really not want them to grow and change?  Change is the name of the game to stay relevant and growing and thriving and LIVING. That is our purpose....death is a necessary part. And you know what? the only thing that fears death is our ego. The part of us that NEEDS an identity. In buddhism they teach that life is suffering.....and it is! its a lot of pain, especially when we get sucked into our ego and the role we've chosen. But when the body dies....the soul is free, it no longer has to be burdened by the pain and suffering of life. That is immense JOY. The only ones who are pained by death are those of us left behind, so we make it a bad thing in our culture.....its not ok to feel the grief, the pain...its bad....But really death of a loved one can be an incredibly healing experience if you allow yourself to HAVE your emotions....yes it hurts, because you are attached. But the part of that person or animal that you connected with...is the part that never dies, they are always with you in essence. LOVE....that stays. 

So my guide is death....change, movement....Even when I get stuck in familiarity...in what's 'SAFE'. (i'm usually not having a lot of fun) and eventually I've found ...if I fight it.....my soul, higher power, god source, whathaveyou....actually PUSHES me out into change....If i don't embrace the change, it's a painful lesson. Those things I was grasping onto are slowly and systematically or all at once ripped out of my hands by the universe. A good lesson to remember for myself, is if I don't respond to the gentle nudging my intuition is SCREAMING at me....and I continue to sit in denial and don't attempt to make any change.....things start happening somewhat traumatically.

When I just left the Bay....I needed to leave, I was stressed and overwhelmed and in pain. I had been feeling for years that I needed to leave but I finally built up the courage to take the step...it felt like the only logical step at the time...the only avenue left open for me. And i've been driving by intuition since. I've somehow become more open and in tune with the gentle nudges. AS SOON as I start to take on a job, mindset, task...whatever that is NOT in alignment with what I really want...I FEEL it. I feel tired, lethargic, stresssed, spacey....resistance.

So i've been going with the flow of the universe, gliding along what's presented to me, and flowing around and to things. It means giving up control, and a sense of empowerment from that control....but that control is what's been giving me so much stress...or really the NEED to control. the control itself didn't do anything (because WHO can REALLY control anything? its all an illusion anyways), but losing the sense of control that thought i had had, and trying to keep it the same....STRESSED ME OUT. 

So i've tried something new...and every day I find more things to let go of, more things to stop trying t control...and I've found that when I do that. Life is AHHHHMAAAZZZIINNGG.

I looked up my code, seal and tone today. and it says: 

"When operating in the light of your energy, the positive aspects are: Receptivity, integrity, heart, knowing, jaguar {cool right?}, shape shifter, priest, magician, torch bearer, supernatural, alignment with divine will"

and 

"When operating in the shadow of your energy, typical symptoms are: Will out of alignment with divine will, issues of integrity, personal power, control, need for approval and recognition, mind out of alignment with heart knowing"

"Transformation: to come out of the shadow: open to heart knowing and limitless possibilities. Be transparent, innocently allowing magic to come through you rather than needing to create it"

So I read all that and was like...."holy shit balls batman!" I read this a year ago and I remember being in turmoil and denial about it. But the past 4 months i've been doing just that, coming into alignment. AND NOW....all of these things makes sense! When I am in alignment with divine will and my integrity and my heart center, things flow endlessly, effortlessly, abundantly....and the best part is I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING! ALL I have to do is have fun and be IN MY JOY and just live and love and FOLLOW my BLISS. But THE MOMENT I try to control, shape, bind, divide, sort, edit....the more all of this constricts and I'm in stress and pain and in a state of mind of having less...and I end up creating 'having less'. And i'm right back where I've started....except now I  have a gained and added awareness.

So this was my miracle today.....to realize that I have gained at least a foothold into this awareness, i'm on my way to being a heart-knowing jaguar, shapeshifter, priest magician, supernatural torch-bearer who's IN receptivity and aligned with her integrity and divine will...ALL THE TIME. I feel like i'm all that maybe %30 of the time....but its growing and getting bigger. 

Today was a day of gratitude and gratefulness, my heart filled with all the love I have recieved from universe and god THROUGH the people around me. By just them being who they were and behaving how they behave in any given moment, has been a tremendous miracle for me. I realized today for the first time in a long time that I truly belong and I don't OWE anybody ANYTHING. I don't have to BE a certain way, or do certain things, I can be who I am and act in accordance to my self integrity and I STILL BELONG...I am still included even if I have to go take a nap because i'm tired and cranky. The more I've connected with this gratitude and knowing, it has actually started to be SHOWN to me...people who i would try and connect with and maybe connive for hangout and getting to know them are automatically coming to ME, inviting me in verbally. When that's all I wanted before...is to just know I was included....and I am....and I DON'T HAVE to go just because i'm invited and I feel like i'll be cast away if I don't. I know..that I am valued and will continue to be a part of this group....without the attachments and expectations....THIS....is FREEDOM. And it feels me with love, for myself and for all others who have contributed to my life. And it allows me to finally see what my actions were doing to other people and to forgive myself......finally.

And another miracle.....we have a guest here who's kind of needy for attention and company, (mostly just wants to talk and connect) and was starting to get on some of our nerves (we're coming off two weeks of a yoga retreat here and need some empty space)....and then I realized the reason she was getting on my nerves...is because in my mind I felt obligated to spend time with her. That obligation stressed me out and I couldn't handle it. The moment I gave myself some space and a little time....I realized 'THAT WAS ME 4 months ago when I first got here, looking for companionship and just.....company....someone to spend some time with. The more time here i've gotten used to the down time and being alone more, and its been magical. But once I realized that, I was able to have compassion for her, and see myself in her...and forgive the annoying part of myself I was seeing reflected back to me through her. And once I was able to forgive and let go of any obligation, I wanted to extend to her love, and invited her to sushi....and she churned her way through making 3 delicious apple pies.....Pies she can't even eat....EVERYBODY is valuable and worthwhile and have something to contribute....sometimes they just need the space to do that. I find that I really enjoy creating that space for others to contribute.  <3

clay and kittens!

Today I got to do a couple of things...I finally got over myself and asked our master potter to teach me how to use the wheel and I got to throw some clay...and i made a bowl (that doesn't look too shabby) and without his help two throw away messes and one neat looking pot lol. I ALSO (without having to ask) got invited up to see the kittens! The pot-shop kittens...or now teenage cats (two kittens adopted the pottery shop last summer and now they're teenage/young adults)...the female went out and got herself preggers and she had 5 kittens 4 days ago...they are cute and squirmy and ADORABLE....and when they get bigger we get to play with them lots! hehe I'm pretty excited.

Today i let go of myself, or my preconceptions about how i have to be and just went with the flow. I wondered around. Cleaned up the rooms, did some laundry, folded some sheets, did some work in the garden, had some wonderful conversations. Some of these conversations I mentioned stuff.....like my inner feelings (things where before I probably would never have said anything about it) and it was totally accepted and also made room for the other people to share those 'embarrasing' thoughts and feelings. And the day just flowed by without any major effort on my part. Letting go of control. For me it seems to be a theme....every day....every week, every month, more letting go. Sometimes I manage to let go completely and am in this magic flow of the universe....and then I wake up the next morning feeling like I have to manage things again. When I get in this state of mind, ESPECIALLY around money....I feel like "oh i have to save, i have to do this, i have to be smart, i have to....have to, have to..."   this is silly because I don't HAVE to...in FACT when I put the 'have to's' and 'shoulds' in my inner dialogue...all it really creates is stress and a tightening down of the flow. it stops the momentum that has been coming in. I started doing readings last month...and it started bringing in more money than i have been making in 6 months. and all of a sudden i feel the need to manage it and 'oh no i won't be able to do this. i won't be able to do that'....when i was already in a place where 'i wasn't able to do certain things' and i've been FINE...in fact i've been more than fine, i've been nurtured, spiritually, physically, artistically/creatively, emotionally. I've lost weight, i've gained a better relationship with myself and my emotions, i've broken into a new venue or new avenue as far as my art goes. I understand myself better, and i have a greater trust of the universe and my higher self. I've opened up and care a lot more for people than i had before. On top of that I have a place to sleep and eat. ALL my basic needs and more are taken care of.

So why does the addition of money all of a sudden make me constrict and hold onto it in fear it will be taken away from me....the act of constricting and pulling back and holding on, and walling up, not only stresses my body out a whole lot. But it makes life way less fun......because that's how life should be...enjoyable. This is all just one big game that we've gotten caught up in the details of things. Have you ever played a game and got so sucked in that you felt offended when another person moved against you...and this is someone who's 'supposed to be your friend'?  I have.....I got so sucked into the game, but I also knew this person was my friend and liked me...but just playing the rules of the game...beat me badly, and I was offended....and hurt....'how could my friend do this to me?!....What gives?!"  It's easy to get sucked into the game and forget that there is so much more. Today I am grateful for the awareness that taking space has created for me. No new big insights....just peace....and joy. enoying the weather, enjoying sleeping in, enjoying the garden...enjoying playing with clay...enjoying the kittens. =)    Another thing I did today that I noticed.....when I stop and enjoy the present and take expectation off of myself AND others....it allows them to open up more to me, and me to them. creates a much more enjoyable situation....and yeah....today was a good day =)

Sunday's Reflection 5/20

Today was the eclipse, the ring of fire. An opening and a transitioning. The change has already been happening and was already moving but this is a big shift, energetic and soon to be physical. New awareness and consciousness. The moon blocks the sun leaving darkness, only to move so you can see the sun again. We need darkness, we need the shadow side in order to SEE and appreciate and find our lightness.

I had an uncanny feeling yesterday that there was something sitting just on the edge of my perception. something big, something internal, something that will tear down another emotional wall and open me up further to my source, love...peace.....freedom.

I've had some amazing moments of clarity and oneness and wholeness and fullness and LOVE. interspersed between moments of judgment and emotion and guilt and responsibility. I've been physically exhausted for the past 3 days. The exhaustion is starting to ebb (the transmissions came earlier than JUST today at the eclipse). My body was preparing, resting, for the shifts my spirit is opened up to. There is fear..but not right now, there is anxiety...but not right now. There is a determination to keep moving forward, to keep aligned, to stay in love, and gratitude and wholeness. I'm on hyper awareness, there is no such thing as 'take a break'. To take a break is to disconnect and shut down, to go back to the old patterns, to pull the covers over my head. Yes some days my body needs rest, but that doesn't mean I have to shut EVERYTHING down. I've been tired but it seems my awareness has been hyper aware and tuned in.

In the tzolken calendar i follow, today is overtone human day. A day about being connected, there was a potluck here, and there was much opening to more connectedness and oneness. Where before I felt separate from and different, I started to feel included and part of. I can be different, I can have my own path, but I am welcome to come and be a part of, to be included, to be part of a whole.

And this evening a part of me has opened up that I didn't even realized I had closed down. The space for a relationship to happen. I was so shut off to the idea because.... really...... I have my own shit to go through lol. But a realization hit me..that I don't have to go through it alone. So now...i've opened up to the possibility, and in the mean time, i'm going to focus on connecting with the other beings around me, really listening, really being attentive to their being/soul. I am now 'BE'ing the person I want to be and the kind of persons I want to attract to me. I stand up for myself graciously while allowing others to BE.

I've also been receiving the message lately to 'create, create, create'. Before I thought this meant just art....and being exhausted this created stress in me (because 'i should be' doing that). And I will. I have an impulse and impetus to get into the studio, but i've also realized that a level of the creation is going into my BE-ing. letting go of old impulses to create a new everything.

I set an intention with myself to do 20 readings this week, if you would like some communication, OR a healing on this new planetary growth period and want to be a part of that intention please contact me and we can set something up. You now have the choice of getting the reading recorded =)

Love and blessings to you all. I support you in your change and I am holding the space for you to heal yourself. I have so much gratitude that you are here, taking this journey WITH me...I am not alone...YOU are not alone ♥

After two days of not a whole lot of sleep, I kind of made up for it today. I slept in and then took it easy most of the day.  One of the things I'm really grateful for about this place is the ability to slow down and stop, and just be. My old life I was constantly busy, constantly doing...it was friggen exhausting, and THEN....when I wanted to 'relax' I would watch a movie or tv to space out and disconnect.

After being here for 4 months, the urge to watch a movie or even tv has almost completely left me. Its the urge to find a distraction. Even if I do spend some time on the internet, I just don't care about the distractions anymore, I don't 'have' to check up on everyone's status. I don't 'have' to respond. I'm able to check my messages, do these posts (which i suppose take up a lot of my interweb time), and then get off and do something else. There is more space here, time and space....I can just BE, I don't HAVE to be doing anything....except when I do ;).

It's in this space that i've been able to recognize where I reach outside of myself to fulfill something inside of me. Where when an intense emotion comes up I try to satiate it with food or distraction. But the food that I would use is not easily obtainable and the distractions don't quite do it for me anymore....so I'm back to the intense emotion, or pain, or apathy...or whatever. I'm back to how i'm feeling and I HAVE to face it. There's a beautiful thing about facing it, you run away thinking its scary, but when you turn to face it, there's a sense that it REALLY isn't that big of a deal. At first its scary and intense, but if you let the urge to turn away subside and really sit with it and go IN to it...it subsides. I meditated for an hour or maybe more today and I noticed this intense pain in my neck and shoulders. Usually my reaction is to get up and start doing something else. but for whatever reason today I decided to sit with it. go into it. The deeper I allowed myself to go into it the more space was created, there was still pain, but there was space around it, I breathed into that space. and I could breath better, deeper. The pain wasn't as intense. It ....was....cool....trippy maybe..but so awesome of an awareness.

I spent the last 2 hours making a bunch of cookies and reading about Ayurvedic body constitutions. And one of the biggest things that came up for me. (I think through reading about the different constitutions and what I am), is that I've always been an overindulger. for as long as I can remember I couldn't get enough I had to have more. And looking at it deeper, this didn't come from a zest for life and an enjoyment. but from fear. Fear that there wouldn't be enough for me later so I better have a lot. It was unconscious. When people judged me and said something i turned inward and put up a wall, and yet continued the action. It wasn't just with food, but with attention, things, events and shows....lots of things.  With food I would eat a lot. With attention (especially romantic attention...if it came from someone I wanted attention from) I would hold onto that and want more, always wanting more. With things/possessions....i would buy/collect clothing, tchotchkes, shiny things, pretty things. anything that caught my eye and I had a momentary I WANT, i would get it...(most of these things didn't end up getting used or even admired much, they would be packed away somewhere), if things were free i would grab a bunch of them...ooh free stuff! There was a momentary good feeling but left me feeling kinda numb and gross inside, especially because I spent a lot of money on some of it. For events and shows, at first I really enjoyed those and time with my friends...but then it seemed I was going just because they asked me, and there was some enjoyment but not as much as I remember having before...and yet I would continue to go do these things, not really enjoying the environment of the place. Again....another waste of money.

With all of these things, I experienced a lack and thought maybe I could use these to fill up my experience. But it always left me wanting more, never satisfied.....And now that I've started to find and connect to an inner wholeness there is some grasping to the old ways of doing things (because its a physical pattern my body is used to). But an even larger dissatisfaction from them. and thus I'm not wanting to do those things anymore. Which is neat, but is alarming as well, because I built the structure of my identity into these things that I did and the way that I was...and here I am finding....I'm not that person, THAT is not my identity.  It's created space to find and BE the person that I am. This is where i've had to open up and face the pain that i've been hiding from myself. and not only show myself but others as well. Its this vulnerability and openness I was avoiding that was driving me to cover it up with anything and everything. And now that I'm actually opening up and sitting WITH the pain, and being open to the discomfort....the joy is brighter, the excitement of life is brighter, the feeling of connectedness and wholeness is more inclusive and full....and there is love....an increasing love for myself and also for others. When you numb fear, anger, discomfort....you also numb joy, love, life.

So....its scary...but its exciting to see and experience actual change. And my zest for life and for myself is increasing. The sky is the limit...and even that isn't a limit...not really.

A day of space

I'm folding thoughts over in my brain. Kneading them like dough, finding the elasticity and stretch in them by folding them over and seeing the other side. Yesterday I wrote....and maybe also the other day, about listening. Truly listening. and on the other side, REALLY being heard. How I don't say anything anymore worth really listening to. I avoid the tenderness, the vulnerability, what I need, what I feel.

Today the yoga retreat left that had been here for two weeks, and we were cleaning the rooms, all pick and chose different tasks to do (to make it fair). For my room and board here I 'pay' through volunteer hours. 25 hours a week. It being Friday today, I realized I haven't done a lot of hours this week, so I cleaned a whole building instead of just doing the sheets, I cleaned sinks and mirrors and bathroom and vaccumed...it was kind of a natural progression, it started and it flowed. Then when I took the sheets and towels to be washed I went to find the others to tell them I did it so they wouldn't waste their time.

Their immediate reaction was like "oh!....well thanks,  you didn't have to, let me do the rest of this for  you" which is nice and they were appreciative. But a part of me got triggered. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night so I was tired, and when i'm tired I get easily emotional. (But i've found on those days I kind of need that emotionality so I let it come and flow and feel it.) And the thought that came to my mind...'why won't they just LET ME  do it?' I'm TIRED of being PROTECTED. There's some upsetness there, some anger....mostly just frustration. I can't find who I am if i'm not allowed to fail. Growing up, anytime I hit a hard place, where I wouldn't speak up for myself or ask for something, my mom would speak/get it for me. I know this came from a loving place, where she wanted me to have what I wanted. But a lot of the time, I didn't REALLY want it enough to speak up for it. She wanted to protect me, which I get.

But here I am now....frustrated. At times I'm fiercely independent....even stupidly so, I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do this by myself and I CAN DO THIS. Leave me alone! .........And other times I can't speak up for what I REALLY want. I want to be seen and understood and.....just seen. Nothing has to be done, I don't NEED any THING....just presence, awareness. be WITH me. SEE me. And this loneliness happens  because I put up this wall of fierce independence, where I won't LET people be close to me and see me and understand me. I push them away. I don't give them space to help me....even when I need help. and often i've pushed them away in the beginning so i feel guilty or embarrassed to turn around and ask for help.

So there are these contrasting sides of this feeling. And it requires letting go, being brave and speaking for what I REALLY want. Talking about how i'm feeling.

So after a nap I was talking to my friend here and I was saying how when I don't get enough sleep i'm kind of emotional and I started to talk to her about how I feel. How that reaction makes me frustrated, how it brings up the feelings of 'LET ME DO IT' and that... sometimes I need the space to possibly fail. I don't want to be protected. It feels limiting. I know you mean well but I need the space to fail. And if i'm given the space i might decide to do something a different way....because there's a part of me that's going to do something just because you insist I shouldn't. defiant and stubborn.

So..... I told her how I felt....and then she was telling me how she felt. She said that when someone does something for her, she feels guilty, like she didn't do it fast enough, that she wasn't pulling her own weight.

But at the moment I totally disregarded that...I thought in my head 'PSHHHH but LOOK at all the stuff you already do for the guild' 'I needed the hours, so your feelings are silly, ME ME ME! its all about ME!' AND THEN I told her how I felt guilty too....when everyone else is already doing so much for the guild and then when I create or decided to do a project and then everyone jumps in to help......

And then I realized something. I decide to do a project but I dont COMMUNICATE with anyone that I'm doing it. the person who I'm helping asked for help and other people are coming to help THEM...it's not a personal affront. And I don't have to MONOPOLIZE projects....there is PLENTY to do around here. I don't have to do it all, and I don't have to do it all by myself.

So first thing I don't do is COMMUNICATE. which is important....it means becoming vulnerable and making a claim on something.

The second thing I realized is that woah....me and her are feeling the SAME. We both want to be a part of, to feel like we're doing our part and putting in enough time and energy to feel accepted. And her feelings are mine.....Her feelings aren't silly. they are valid and important....SHE is important. I am important.

SO then I start to think, maybe I went about it the wrong way....instead of just doing it....maybe I could have said something first.

But there's also a fear to saying something, making a commitment, saying i'm going to do something.

There's a BIG resistance in me to agreeing, saying i'm going to do something. Because so many times in the past I've said i'm going to do it. and take it on. I take it ALLLLL on. and I become overwhelmed and I fail to finish it. So i don't agree to do stuff I just do it. that way i don't make the commitment....because its the commitment, the fear of messing it up that is an extra burden on me and eventually I manifest my fear.  In fact just saying i'm going to do something, especially if its heading a project that i am solely responsible for....I totally lose the motivation to do it. I avoid it, I do anything else except what I said I was going to do, until the last possible moment....and THEN I fail...why? because I didn't give myself enough time and space to do it. It was done rushed.

So there's all this space being created in my thought processes by folding and molding and unfolding and opening. I'm grateful for the awareness of 'oh....maybe I really DON'T listen and appreciate and value another person's feelings as much...and I should more. I get stuck in what I need.' I'm not sure what i'm doing with the thought about the resistance, but this is the first time i've articulated the thought so well in a written format. So that's gotta mean something right? increased awareness....

That makes me remember something I read a while ago. 'In the act of losing awareness, you actually GAIN awareness.' So even though I feel like i've messed up and failed, I haven't really, I've gained something. So maybe next time I can do something DIFFERENT.....because isn't that the definition of madness? doing something over and over the same way and expecting different results.

There's some balance here that I'm still trying to find. Digging further and continually into myself, to let go.....asking for help or allowing help doesn't mean I am weak, or unimportant. In fact...the simple action of them trying to help me, means they care and i'm important to them. So my reaction is unnecessary. So...I'm still unraveling the connections and its good. There's a lot to process and look at. I am grateful for the readings and healings I attract to allow for further introspection. As well as the life interactions. AND for this sacred space I am living in. I want to take this safe space with me wherever I go... there's something about the energy of the guild that's set up to allow introspection and healing and growth. And its a beautiful wonderful thing.

I'm continually amazed at the wonder of the universe. I had a reading last night scheduled for 9:15, one of the ladies here wanted a reading but i didn't know if there would be enough time. Miraculously the dishes were done quick and my scheduled reading wanted to do it later, so I got to manifest another reading. but the space magically was created and opened up to allow the healing to happen....for her AND for me....THAT is something I'm still processing....must needs to come another day. <3

Lively Lovingness

I do what the voices in my head tell me to do.

Well...not anymore, it's those voices that tell me that I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy, I'm not valuable that are at the base of ALL of my actions and how I feel about myself.

I tell myself I like myself, but do I really feel it? Do I know it? Or how about do I, CAN I, love myself?
I was reading today about being a spiritual warrior, at this point I can admit that yes...that's the path that I am on. Its not about fighting, its about being disciplined and in tune/aligned and aware. One of the things it was talking about is the basic goodness that is intrinsic in all people. in ALL beings. There is a basic goodness to the world.

This basic goodness is missed because we are too busy looking, waiting, searching for the NEXT thing, instead of noticing what's happening in the present moment. I find that a lot of my life comprised of this. I'm so worried about missing out on something, that I'm always in a hurry to be somewhere, do something...and when I'm there, I'm thinking about the NEXT thing I 'have' to do...or want to do. And thus miss out on the magic and joy of the present moment.

Being here for the past 4 months has been a wonderous breather. I have space, and I've given myself the space (most of the time) to slow down and be in the present and notice the beautiful things around me. the beautiful people/souls around me and the wonderful experiences that give me continued growth and awarness...And in this slowing down, i realized....i don't miss my old life AT ALL...the hurry and the always busy and the stress i put myself under.

I still do that....put myself under stress but that usually comes from thinking i 'should' be doing something.....that mostly happens when i compare myself to my contemporaries, or i have imagined punishment coming at me. Scottie and Sarah Jane...two wonderful awesome artists (and people) who are here. This may or may not be true because I don't see them all the time. But I imagine that everytime I don't see them, they are in the studio making art. And then I wonder why I'm not, haven't been in the studio a lot recently. And i also stress myself with the time deadline, the studio needs to be cleaned to get ready for summer and i'm not going to be here for that much longer so i want to start wrapping up projects to get most of them finished before i leave....all of this takes some organizing, because i ALSO need to clean up my stuff that's scattered about the studio.

Now I have no idea if they are in the studio that much, but I compare myself to them and I fail. I feel that what i do is not worthy, isn't valuable, even the book project that i'm in the middle of completing, the actual book is finished but its accompanying pieces aren't. I have had moments where i've started to doubt that piece. Doubt its validity, its rawness, its valuableness.

And this all comes back to how I feel about myself.

And i have to remember i'm doing more than just printing or painting or sculpture as art, MY LIFE right now is an artform. I'm getting in touch with my body, i' m experimenting in the kitchen with cooking new foods, learning some baking and other things, I'm creating a business. ALL of this is my art. And all of this isn't something I've ever given myself credit for. I'm making A LOT of art, its just not all in one tangible form. When I think about being an artist I often think of a teacher who said "if you want to be painter/artist for a living, then you have to paint every day" Well....I AM an artist, I AM many things. but i am creating MY LIFE as my art project. And i get bored with one medium....or bored isn't the right word. I get tired that's true but some of it is that what I have to say and what i want to create isn't IN that medium...it wants to be expressed in a different way. I feel like my creative impulses are being channeled into my communication and figuring that out.

I'm tearing down walls and letting things go. Pain is coming up and out and its both painful and a joy. To finally open up and relax is amazing.

So my current self project is just to be aware and notice the basic goodness in life, in me, in my surroundings, And let it all just BE without judgment. But also in other people. I don't know how many times i've listened to someone without actually listening, I am too busy trying to find holes to fill with MY experience instead of actually listening. Or their experience is too painful for me to hold so i try to fix and make better, instead of listening. When I actually stop and listen to another person, not just with my ears but with my eyes, with my whole being. I notice the other person's radiance, how wonderful they are as spirit....as a person. I can see through all the bullshit and see them. There is nothing to be fixed, there is nothing wrong here is just another soul experiencing life's journey and it is beautiful.

When I listen THAT way, I not only appreciate the person a lot more and their experiences. But I create space to look at myself that way, to appreciate MYSELF. And I also create a space (when I don't fill it with my need to say something in the gaps) for them to see themselves as i'm seeing them (a super awesome, gorgeous, radiant, being). And there...in that moment there is peace and joy and sorrow and everything, and it is BEAUTIFUL. It is LIFE, we are here to experience it all and hold on to none of it. That is why we surrender to the moment and accept what is......and there is peace....tremendous peace.

Tender Tuesday

I've been having trepidation over my other page that I created on facebook. I keep wondering if my story telling goes overboard and lowers the vibration. There are some who REALLY enjoy it, and the others I don't know much, but the feeling I keep getting is to take it out. But then again, that is all part of my growth and awareness and thus is important.

I felt stuck, apathetic, tired, most of the day today. I was looking for distractions and yet somehow kept finding myself alone. I read something that stood out for me. It said something like don't focus on the fruits and success and failure of your labor, just focus on continually working, never stopping.

What I glean from it, i don't consider work as society today defines it. When it says work, I interpret it as awareness....never turn off,  just keep being present, keep going, keep moving. What I brought into my present state of awareness is that ok.....I'm going to face what it is that i'm feeling, (which the apathy and tiredness was acting as a barrier between). I did some work tilling in the garden, trying to be present, and having the intention that as I break up and till the soil, i'm breaking up and tilling the stuck places in me, creating room to let things grow and move.

Yesterday I got a Thai Massage and it was awesome. its more compression and stretching rather then massage...I bring this up because there was a point where she was pulling and stretching me and I could FEEL a giant knot in my back that didn't want to release and come out...and it fricken hurt.

So today....after I finish tilling the bed I was working on i decided to go for a bike ride.
The thoughts going through my head started to focus on what the pain and stuckness was. I did a lot of energy work yesterday and then I 'came out' as a teacher to a respected teacher. For some reason I got this stuck in my head that BPI (Berkeley Psychic Institute...the place where I learned A LOT of my basic tools and the beginning of my perception change) So...for some reason I got it stuck in my head that BPI is this big institution that will strike me down if I share its gifts (because they aren't getting the business) and certainly that picture/energy is there. But when I really look at it, its not just there because of money (which certainly changes the energy a bit) but its also there because the energy worked ...require  those persons involved to be at a certain level of awareness so they aren't completely blown away (incrimental safe growth), and also require going through the multiple classes so you can understand the framework which gives way to deeper levels of understanding later (but you need a base to work off of). There is something to be said of having a community around a set of perceptions or at least energy tools so that there IS support there when you are breaking down and going deeper through the layers.

One thing about energy work that is inevitable...there are sore spots that you don't want to look at, but if you're like me...you also want to grow past their limitations to freedom...so the intention is to look at it and get past it...but it hurts and its painful and it friggen sucks balls. I don't want to...but I am.....

This is the 'picture' that was stuck in my back yesterday. This pain, this rawness, this awareness....that I hurt, there have not been many times in my life where 'I' have REALLY been seen. I've always been seen through the layers and been invalidated. But on another level I haven't LET myself be seen. I hide, turn inwards, play games, follow everyone else but don't let myself be vulnerable and really open....and the times I HAVE been vulnerable and open...the person (expecting my usual toughness or usual mask I use with them) reacts to me like they're reacting to that mask, and IT HURTS. so I've closed back down. But its lonely, never really being seen, never really being understood. Even in the one place where I WAS seen (BPI) I needed a break because I was falling into old roles/patterns/energy.

But here I am in my lonely shell wondering why nobody approaches me, lets me in accepts me and the biggest thing that pops out is that I don't accept MYSELF. I'm scared of being vulnerable and open. because then I realize just how sensitive I really am to my surroundings and its physically jarring. I can't take people "neeeeeding" me, it overloads me. I've also come to realize I don't like certain circumstances that I used to put myself in.

So i'm looking at this while riding my bike....crying. I have tools and the awareness to open up and be sensitive....but its still scary. I"m afraid of being hurt, i'm afraid of being around out of control anger and that it MIGHT be pointed at me. so i better stay down and out of site. I'm afraid of telling people how they make me feel for the fear that I might set them off and they AGAIN/STILL...won't see me.

So many patterns that have pushed me against this. and so i shut down, i create walls...many walls, an interlocking magical puzzle system of walls. even when i let you in, its never all the way in. here i sit alone.

when i close off to other people, i ALSO close off to source, wholeness, connectedness. all wrapped up and bound in this need to please and extreme fear of being rejected or punished.

I keep having awesome moments of clarity and wholeness couched between moments of dissarray and confusion...and I know i'm working through them....but thoughts like today....friggen suck...and that's kind of where i'm at. so i suppose this is my attempt to be completely transparent and let everything be seen....long story rambling and all....I

I started a facebook group, I started doing daily reflections within this group which have to do with  i'm seeing the world, and what energies i'm reflecting on for the day. I feel the postings have devolved into some sort of emotional dumping ground. Recognizing that it was not in the original intentions of said group i'm re-working and re-writing, giving myself a space to get all those words out. This will be messy sometimes, sometimes streamlined. But this is my space to nourish the place that I am in. I am happy to share my story and my journey, but I'm going to be uncensored because that is what I need for me.

This....was yesterday's post which I have now deleted and re-written: leaving the dumping here, for all to witness haha....

Thursday's Growth Period

A 'growth period' is a time of re-adjusting, your body adjusting to the growth you've created as spirit. This can be a time of great highs and joy and fun. But it can also feel like you've just rolled in big hot steaming pile of dog crappy that's all sticky and has chunks in it and makes you wonder what happened to that awesome space you were in.

That's where I was today...riding the edge of dog crap haha. I finally fell in and i'm in a space of....i don't know. I got called out today (in a very gracious and loving and well put way...but called out all the same). she pointed out that i wasn't listening....wasn't really listening. she could have been in a more vulnerable space and i could have devestated her, or made her put up a wall. And the first thought in my ...head was that 'SHE wasn't listening to ME'. but the fact that i had that defensiveness (inwardly) proved her point to me. Not only was I not REALLY listening but there was a list of judging going on. I"m not proud of it, in fact its kind of a blow to my sense of self...but one that was needed.

Once she said that I stopped the internal dialogue and really paid attention to her, not just listening, but noticing HER, who she was, what she was saying and the radiance of her spirit. I started to feel an opening and an explosion of heart guts all over my self.

After she left, I turned that judging on myself. And my immediate internal response is...well maybe i just shouldn't say anything anymore....i'm not being sensitive or maybe thoroughly genuine...or something......yeah..big heaping steaming pile of dog crap.

It's humbling, and the ultimate thing that i THINK i got out of it.....i'm still processing...is that i don't listen to MYSELF...and thus ignoring the my connection to source, to god, to the universe...to other humans. I'm ignoring my human-ness to try make myself be better, more than, not vulnerable......which is hypocritical of me. sitting in the vulnerability and rawness is hard, sharing another person's vulnerability and pain is hard. but ignoring it makes them feel shut out and they put up a wall. Me ignoring MY pain makes me disconnect and feel out of source.

I read a quote on the wall here that really stood out for me "Allow people to be who they are, and give worth to their experience and perspective"

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After giving myself a day to ponder and figure out things I leave this space for story telling. I am super grateful and blessed to everyone who has contributed to my journey thus far, and for those who will continue to do so. Thank You <3