Wild Things

We watched 'Where the Wild Things Are" tonight. This is a gooooood movie, its also an uncomfortable one. Its sad, there is no straight happy ending, but there's hope and a change in perception and awareness.

I watched the movie when it first came out on dvd..or maybe a little after, I remember a friend telling me 'its sad, are you sure you want to watch it?' I watched it and then mentally distanced myself from it until today really. There is an underlying theme of the darkness and the rawness and the pain of human emotion, especially the life of a child who's family isn't perfect. You aren't explicitly told, but it is a family without a father (who knows if he died or left them).  And there's pain, where the older sister ignores the pain of the younger brother who is just trying to reach out for connection in anyway he knows how. And when he doesn't get it, there is a reaction of rawness and crazyness, that confuses the rest of his family.

I BAWLED my eyes out. An underlying theme for me is an opening of my internal world. I'm shedding one by one, and some in groups...all of the mental/emotional/social mechanisms I use to hide behind/seperate myself from others. Because I'm embarassed or more aptly uncomfortable with the emotion that i'm feeling. So i would become numb to it and pretend it isn't there by hiding behind an image of 'i'm perfect' 'i got it all under control' ' i know/am better than you'.....all of these lies that i hid behind because i was scared of feeling the pain....the rawness.

So i'm allowing myself to be more vulnerable and open, and also as transparent as possible. The baggage of identities had gotten too much, always trying to be like this particular person or group in order to fit in and be accepted. When most of these people accept me for me anyways, I don't HAVE to like all the same things. its an impossible burden I lay upon myself. So as i'm connecting and learning to BE with this vulnerable place i'm noticing things. One of the things is that all the times I approach this discomfort and vulnerability I immediately look for distractions, somewhere to be, go, do that will pull my attention away from that one thing. And often times that distraction is in the form of self defeating/beating thoughts.

I didn't want to think about this movie after I had watched it because it was too uncomfortable for me to be with those emotions at that time. This is also why I don't always 'really' listen to another person....because I am uncomfortable with what their experience is. But i'm finding, if i catch myself, i can be WITH the person, and listen even if i don't have anything to say...and especially if i don't have anything to say on it. Alot of the time... the person really just needs someone to talk to. There is healing in communication. To finally speak and give form to a thought that has been roaming around in your head, out loud, to another person in an environment of understanding can be healing and transformative.

I am often taken off guard...a little less now than before...when i realize that people are REALLY listening to me. not only listening to what i have to say but also to me. where i am, what i have to say....all of that is important. I am important and worthy of the attention.

The more I realize that what I have to say actually matters...the less need i have, to say things that don't matter. Every day there's something new to let go of, something else to loosen my need for control over. And its not always easy, sometimes there are MONDO attachments to 'needing' a certain thing to happen. But i'm finding the key is to be in the present and enjoy the present. to not give in to the voices that try and tell me i should be doing something else. And to be really kind to myself, to love myself, and forgive myself if i slip up. It's a learning curve, and i'm skating the outside going to fast sometimes.....But I think i'm getting something out of it.