moving on

Since I've been back at mom's I've gotten bunches of questions over and over: When are you leaving? where are you going? what are you doing? I know i'm getting the questions because everybody cares about me and want to know that i'm doing alright. And i'm happy to find myself (most of the time) grateful that they're taking the time to ask.

Since i've been back I haven't done a whole lot physically...it doesn't 'look' like i've done a lot. I've started to sort through and get rid of the extraneous things that i left piled at my mom's house. That in itself is a lot of work. I've been visiting friends, and i've been doing readings. Today I woke up feeling not so hot, kinda sicky, so I did a whole lotta nothing. I gave a reading which gave me and my client some answers (maybe more for me than for him..i dunno). It was a fairly quick reading, but he got all of the information that he needed, i gave him a quick healing and then i let it go. I noticed that I started feeling guilty (judging myself) that the reading wasn't longer, that i didn't do a longer healing. just judging myself....but when I looked at him, I saw that he got what he needed. But I wasn't finished with me. I needed more healing. So I spent the next 20 minutes healing myself. I turned off the computer, I stopped trying to do anything productive and I just allowed myself to be. I got cuddles and love from the puppy, and I got asked to join friends on a trip next week. all once i started to let go and just give to myself.

At one point my brother stopped by to drop something off and being my brother, he stirred my self judgment by asking 'so what exactly do you do all day?" At first I felt the need to defend myself, and then i decided to let it go and just be where I am today.

This self judgment is falling away, at each moment I feel it I bless it. "I love you, I forgive you, I bless you, I release you". I notice this self judgment is rampant it pops up everywhere and with everybody. My life isn't going to look like anyone else's because HELLLLLOOOOOO!!!! its MINE! since when is ANYTHING of mine normal?....not very often. My vibration is unique the way I do things is unique....so WHY have I been trying to create my life fitting into OTHER PEOPLE'S boxes? those boxes and ideas worked for them, but the work hard earn little money equation doesn't work for me, it wears out my body and i feel depleted. and i"m finding now that PART of the depletion was carrying around the guilt and responsibility and self judgment for those times i have done something different.

Its funny I should feel this way because when it comes to my art....my art is my own, and i can be very creative and differnt with it, and its ok...its an adventure. It wasn't until i took a sojourn northward that I began to realize.....everything is art, every little part of life is an art. And my art doesn't look like anyone else's and it shouldn't! its ART! you'd think this is something i would have grasped a long time ago being trained in the arts and whatnot.....AND even in art school they tell you that things are and have to be a certain way...."in order to be successful you have to do A, B and C"  and i know they teach this because it was done in the past and well...it does work to a degree.

when i look at it from energy dynamics it only works if that's where you heart is, where you focus is. I took one look at the artworld and decided I was not interested and playing that game. Now....i don't know...i don't know a lot. i just shook up everything i knew and i'm in the process of picking out the pieces of what i want to keep. The things that i've decided i like and express a different creative aspect of me (my writing) this blog and my other blog/page on facebook....have started they've taken off somewhat. But there's still that tendency that i have within myself to judge. this judgement comes from scarcity, a place within myself that feels like it is less than, that there is not enough. But that is not true. there is plenty, there is more than enough for everyone, even if we are all doing the same thing, there doesn't have to be competition, we will all earn enough of what we need.

So right now when asked what i'm doing with my life....as far as the future I don't know. As far as the present...i'm purging, I'm tearing down emotional, personality structures that no longer serve my path. this doesn't look like much on the outside. to the physical world i've been doing a lot of sleeping. taking bike rides, giving readings and healings, reading books. writing on the computer, interspersed with visiting friends. and a lot more. I'm doing what I feel I need to be doing right now, following the guidance that I have been given. and i'm following it to the best of my ability, and when I slip up, i don't punish myself and don't judge myself...i just keep on going. And there IS progress...where i used to get stuck in a mindset for weeks or months at a time, it may only last a day...if that. most of the time less than an hour, minutes even. that is plenty of progress for me. I'm really tired of sitting in my self judgement, i'm done with this game, time to move on.

=D