love

Today is self existing earth. Bringing form to navigation, to the direction I have now decided to go....A year ago...I started this journey. (although i didn't know it at the time) actually i started it yyyyeeeeaaaarrrrssss before that, when I made the original intention to move and get the heck out of dodge. It took me 3 1/2 years to manifest that intention. It took me that long to finally trust myself, to finally trust the universe/god/divine presence...whatever you want to call it. I slowly gained presence and trust over the years. I opened up crack by excruciating crack.

And then in one big burst I took a running leap. There's this image that's been in my head for some time.
I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.
I have wings and the capability to fly.
but i don't trust myself, I don't trust my wings ability. I just keep staring down. even though I KNOW it will be sweet and healing. I'm afraid of that initial fear, the initial pain as I take a slight plunge to get air under my wings.

And I KNOW there will be a plunge. and in that plunge I know i'll be losing stuff. but I just stand there. picking up courage, to take the leak I KNOW i'm going to take...its only a matter of time. But I stand there....drawing it up. considering/not considering, just....staring, just being with the concept.

And I finally did it....I took a leap. and from that one leap, i have been able to make others, almost effortlessly. I've lost. But everything i've lost....I no longer need or desire. I've only lost the old trappings and security of a life that no longer worked for me....That never DID work for me.

I've been in this skin, in this idea, trying to make it work. Trying to do it like everyone else and for some reason I kept coming up against a hard place. the same fears kept me back, and I couldn't face them. Its almost like i've needed this leap to gain momentum to face the fears. Because i've faced them....I've gotten a good look at them, and transformed many of them. I've gone through to the other side and found truth and joy and love. Which has given me the courage to face the deeper fears.

I've started to gain a personal collection of tools that i use to get through each big block. There seems to be a combination of talking/writing about it, creating an art project around it....art is important, meditation, healing work, attracting people to read so that I can look at it from a different perspective. And practicing just BE-ing, and surrendering to what IS.

I've become a spiritual warrior. I am still a fledgling. but i have enough discipline and strength and power to carry forward. My ultimate goal is to bring this forward through me, to share with others. I suppose that's why i've started this. I've noticed that its important to share journeys. This is important for me, because first I have to give credit to My journey . I have to give WORTH to my journey. I second guess myself all the time, thinking...oh i'm saying too much.. blah blah blah. ....i know i have a tendency to over-talk and explore a topic, in a sometimes babbling fashion. But this too is part of my process. I need to get all the words out to get down to the simplicity. I need to see all teh trappings and attachments. working my way AROUND.

I can see the initial boiled down truth...but it doesn't mean anything until i integrate it and view it through my world. It's abstract until I really take a minute to see what it LOOKS like....what does it look like?

When I am living effortless and abundantly and the magic is coming to me...what does THAT look like?
When I start to stress and try and control things and the flow stops....what does THAT look like?

When I feel my heart contract and fold in on itself...that's the fear talking. that's me shutting down the love. not only for that other person or event that caused it...but mainly to MYSELF. Since I am the conduit for the love to flow, it has to reach me before it reaches someone else....and if i shut down and close at the thought of that 'someone else' i'm depriving myself.

I think that's what jesus was talking about when he talks about forgiveness.....we don't forgive others for their sake...we forgive them for OUR sake.

If you choose to hold a grudge over something the only person you're really hurting is yourself...by holding onto the pain of what happened. A lot of the time, the other person has already gotten over it, they've let you go and moved on.. and yet here you are still living in the pain, stabbing yourself over and over.....so...go ahead and forgive that person.....you don't have to see them or talk to them again, but forgive them so that YOU can move on. so that you can move THROUGH the pain, and not have to carry that burden of hate anymore....and hate is a burden.

I've since let go of hate, its too toxic of an emotion for my body to handle anymore. but there are other vibrations that are subtle. the biggest one is fear. i'm afraid of being rejected, or that person didn't do what I expected, and i didn't feel that welcomed (probably because i was afraid of being rejected and then acted differently creating the very thing i was afraid of!)....so to keep from having my feelings hurt....i shut down and close off to that other person. And that is a deadening feeling, it feels like a part of myself has just shut down and died. I can FEEL it take my vibration down. back. to where i was.

to be in the vibration of fear is not necessary. its not fun. and it hurts

so slowly but surely, i'm making small steps to turn back into love. I notice where i hold a grudge and am feeling pain....i give myself some time to feel that (because running away just prolongs the pain) and then i make the decision to forgive....to forgive myself first (because i am quickest to judge myself) and then usually there is no need to forgive the other person (but i do anyways). because once i forgive myself. i start to become strong in myself again and it doesn't really matter what the other person did...it's all here to bless me. It wouldn't have bothered me if it wasn't something i needed to see within myself.

THAT is LOVE....we are love, there is no self love because that requires there to be two of you, the self...and the part of you that loves. and there is only one of you and you ARE love...I am love...when I realize that truth, that becomes my experience.