clay and kittens!

Today I got to do a couple of things...I finally got over myself and asked our master potter to teach me how to use the wheel and I got to throw some clay...and i made a bowl (that doesn't look too shabby) and without his help two throw away messes and one neat looking pot lol. I ALSO (without having to ask) got invited up to see the kittens! The pot-shop kittens...or now teenage cats (two kittens adopted the pottery shop last summer and now they're teenage/young adults)...the female went out and got herself preggers and she had 5 kittens 4 days ago...they are cute and squirmy and ADORABLE....and when they get bigger we get to play with them lots! hehe I'm pretty excited.

Today i let go of myself, or my preconceptions about how i have to be and just went with the flow. I wondered around. Cleaned up the rooms, did some laundry, folded some sheets, did some work in the garden, had some wonderful conversations. Some of these conversations I mentioned stuff.....like my inner feelings (things where before I probably would never have said anything about it) and it was totally accepted and also made room for the other people to share those 'embarrasing' thoughts and feelings. And the day just flowed by without any major effort on my part. Letting go of control. For me it seems to be a theme....every day....every week, every month, more letting go. Sometimes I manage to let go completely and am in this magic flow of the universe....and then I wake up the next morning feeling like I have to manage things again. When I get in this state of mind, ESPECIALLY around money....I feel like "oh i have to save, i have to do this, i have to be smart, i have to....have to, have to..."   this is silly because I don't HAVE to...in FACT when I put the 'have to's' and 'shoulds' in my inner dialogue...all it really creates is stress and a tightening down of the flow. it stops the momentum that has been coming in. I started doing readings last month...and it started bringing in more money than i have been making in 6 months. and all of a sudden i feel the need to manage it and 'oh no i won't be able to do this. i won't be able to do that'....when i was already in a place where 'i wasn't able to do certain things' and i've been FINE...in fact i've been more than fine, i've been nurtured, spiritually, physically, artistically/creatively, emotionally. I've lost weight, i've gained a better relationship with myself and my emotions, i've broken into a new venue or new avenue as far as my art goes. I understand myself better, and i have a greater trust of the universe and my higher self. I've opened up and care a lot more for people than i had before. On top of that I have a place to sleep and eat. ALL my basic needs and more are taken care of.

So why does the addition of money all of a sudden make me constrict and hold onto it in fear it will be taken away from me....the act of constricting and pulling back and holding on, and walling up, not only stresses my body out a whole lot. But it makes life way less fun......because that's how life should be...enjoyable. This is all just one big game that we've gotten caught up in the details of things. Have you ever played a game and got so sucked in that you felt offended when another person moved against you...and this is someone who's 'supposed to be your friend'?  I have.....I got so sucked into the game, but I also knew this person was my friend and liked me...but just playing the rules of the game...beat me badly, and I was offended....and hurt....'how could my friend do this to me?!....What gives?!"  It's easy to get sucked into the game and forget that there is so much more. Today I am grateful for the awareness that taking space has created for me. No new big insights....just peace....and joy. enoying the weather, enjoying sleeping in, enjoying the garden...enjoying playing with clay...enjoying the kittens. =)    Another thing I did today that I noticed.....when I stop and enjoy the present and take expectation off of myself AND others....it allows them to open up more to me, and me to them. creates a much more enjoyable situation....and yeah....today was a good day =)