A day of space

I'm folding thoughts over in my brain. Kneading them like dough, finding the elasticity and stretch in them by folding them over and seeing the other side. Yesterday I wrote....and maybe also the other day, about listening. Truly listening. and on the other side, REALLY being heard. How I don't say anything anymore worth really listening to. I avoid the tenderness, the vulnerability, what I need, what I feel.

Today the yoga retreat left that had been here for two weeks, and we were cleaning the rooms, all pick and chose different tasks to do (to make it fair). For my room and board here I 'pay' through volunteer hours. 25 hours a week. It being Friday today, I realized I haven't done a lot of hours this week, so I cleaned a whole building instead of just doing the sheets, I cleaned sinks and mirrors and bathroom and vaccumed...it was kind of a natural progression, it started and it flowed. Then when I took the sheets and towels to be washed I went to find the others to tell them I did it so they wouldn't waste their time.

Their immediate reaction was like "oh!....well thanks,  you didn't have to, let me do the rest of this for  you" which is nice and they were appreciative. But a part of me got triggered. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night so I was tired, and when i'm tired I get easily emotional. (But i've found on those days I kind of need that emotionality so I let it come and flow and feel it.) And the thought that came to my mind...'why won't they just LET ME  do it?' I'm TIRED of being PROTECTED. There's some upsetness there, some anger....mostly just frustration. I can't find who I am if i'm not allowed to fail. Growing up, anytime I hit a hard place, where I wouldn't speak up for myself or ask for something, my mom would speak/get it for me. I know this came from a loving place, where she wanted me to have what I wanted. But a lot of the time, I didn't REALLY want it enough to speak up for it. She wanted to protect me, which I get.

But here I am now....frustrated. At times I'm fiercely independent....even stupidly so, I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do this by myself and I CAN DO THIS. Leave me alone! .........And other times I can't speak up for what I REALLY want. I want to be seen and understood and.....just seen. Nothing has to be done, I don't NEED any THING....just presence, awareness. be WITH me. SEE me. And this loneliness happens  because I put up this wall of fierce independence, where I won't LET people be close to me and see me and understand me. I push them away. I don't give them space to help me....even when I need help. and often i've pushed them away in the beginning so i feel guilty or embarrassed to turn around and ask for help.

So there are these contrasting sides of this feeling. And it requires letting go, being brave and speaking for what I REALLY want. Talking about how i'm feeling.

So after a nap I was talking to my friend here and I was saying how when I don't get enough sleep i'm kind of emotional and I started to talk to her about how I feel. How that reaction makes me frustrated, how it brings up the feelings of 'LET ME DO IT' and that... sometimes I need the space to possibly fail. I don't want to be protected. It feels limiting. I know you mean well but I need the space to fail. And if i'm given the space i might decide to do something a different way....because there's a part of me that's going to do something just because you insist I shouldn't. defiant and stubborn.

So..... I told her how I felt....and then she was telling me how she felt. She said that when someone does something for her, she feels guilty, like she didn't do it fast enough, that she wasn't pulling her own weight.

But at the moment I totally disregarded that...I thought in my head 'PSHHHH but LOOK at all the stuff you already do for the guild' 'I needed the hours, so your feelings are silly, ME ME ME! its all about ME!' AND THEN I told her how I felt guilty too....when everyone else is already doing so much for the guild and then when I create or decided to do a project and then everyone jumps in to help......

And then I realized something. I decide to do a project but I dont COMMUNICATE with anyone that I'm doing it. the person who I'm helping asked for help and other people are coming to help THEM...it's not a personal affront. And I don't have to MONOPOLIZE projects....there is PLENTY to do around here. I don't have to do it all, and I don't have to do it all by myself.

So first thing I don't do is COMMUNICATE. which is important....it means becoming vulnerable and making a claim on something.

The second thing I realized is that woah....me and her are feeling the SAME. We both want to be a part of, to feel like we're doing our part and putting in enough time and energy to feel accepted. And her feelings are mine.....Her feelings aren't silly. they are valid and important....SHE is important. I am important.

SO then I start to think, maybe I went about it the wrong way....instead of just doing it....maybe I could have said something first.

But there's also a fear to saying something, making a commitment, saying i'm going to do something.

There's a BIG resistance in me to agreeing, saying i'm going to do something. Because so many times in the past I've said i'm going to do it. and take it on. I take it ALLLLL on. and I become overwhelmed and I fail to finish it. So i don't agree to do stuff I just do it. that way i don't make the commitment....because its the commitment, the fear of messing it up that is an extra burden on me and eventually I manifest my fear.  In fact just saying i'm going to do something, especially if its heading a project that i am solely responsible for....I totally lose the motivation to do it. I avoid it, I do anything else except what I said I was going to do, until the last possible moment....and THEN I fail...why? because I didn't give myself enough time and space to do it. It was done rushed.

So there's all this space being created in my thought processes by folding and molding and unfolding and opening. I'm grateful for the awareness of 'oh....maybe I really DON'T listen and appreciate and value another person's feelings as much...and I should more. I get stuck in what I need.' I'm not sure what i'm doing with the thought about the resistance, but this is the first time i've articulated the thought so well in a written format. So that's gotta mean something right? increased awareness....

That makes me remember something I read a while ago. 'In the act of losing awareness, you actually GAIN awareness.' So even though I feel like i've messed up and failed, I haven't really, I've gained something. So maybe next time I can do something DIFFERENT.....because isn't that the definition of madness? doing something over and over the same way and expecting different results.

There's some balance here that I'm still trying to find. Digging further and continually into myself, to let go.....asking for help or allowing help doesn't mean I am weak, or unimportant. In fact...the simple action of them trying to help me, means they care and i'm important to them. So my reaction is unnecessary. So...I'm still unraveling the connections and its good. There's a lot to process and look at. I am grateful for the readings and healings I attract to allow for further introspection. As well as the life interactions. AND for this sacred space I am living in. I want to take this safe space with me wherever I go... there's something about the energy of the guild that's set up to allow introspection and healing and growth. And its a beautiful wonderful thing.

I'm continually amazed at the wonder of the universe. I had a reading last night scheduled for 9:15, one of the ladies here wanted a reading but i didn't know if there would be enough time. Miraculously the dishes were done quick and my scheduled reading wanted to do it later, so I got to manifest another reading. but the space magically was created and opened up to allow the healing to happen....for her AND for me....THAT is something I'm still processing....must needs to come another day. <3