After two days of not a whole lot of sleep, I kind of made up for it today. I slept in and then took it easy most of the day.  One of the things I'm really grateful for about this place is the ability to slow down and stop, and just be. My old life I was constantly busy, constantly doing...it was friggen exhausting, and THEN....when I wanted to 'relax' I would watch a movie or tv to space out and disconnect.

After being here for 4 months, the urge to watch a movie or even tv has almost completely left me. Its the urge to find a distraction. Even if I do spend some time on the internet, I just don't care about the distractions anymore, I don't 'have' to check up on everyone's status. I don't 'have' to respond. I'm able to check my messages, do these posts (which i suppose take up a lot of my interweb time), and then get off and do something else. There is more space here, time and space....I can just BE, I don't HAVE to be doing anything....except when I do ;).

It's in this space that i've been able to recognize where I reach outside of myself to fulfill something inside of me. Where when an intense emotion comes up I try to satiate it with food or distraction. But the food that I would use is not easily obtainable and the distractions don't quite do it for me anymore....so I'm back to the intense emotion, or pain, or apathy...or whatever. I'm back to how i'm feeling and I HAVE to face it. There's a beautiful thing about facing it, you run away thinking its scary, but when you turn to face it, there's a sense that it REALLY isn't that big of a deal. At first its scary and intense, but if you let the urge to turn away subside and really sit with it and go IN to it...it subsides. I meditated for an hour or maybe more today and I noticed this intense pain in my neck and shoulders. Usually my reaction is to get up and start doing something else. but for whatever reason today I decided to sit with it. go into it. The deeper I allowed myself to go into it the more space was created, there was still pain, but there was space around it, I breathed into that space. and I could breath better, deeper. The pain wasn't as intense. It ....was....cool....trippy maybe..but so awesome of an awareness.

I spent the last 2 hours making a bunch of cookies and reading about Ayurvedic body constitutions. And one of the biggest things that came up for me. (I think through reading about the different constitutions and what I am), is that I've always been an overindulger. for as long as I can remember I couldn't get enough I had to have more. And looking at it deeper, this didn't come from a zest for life and an enjoyment. but from fear. Fear that there wouldn't be enough for me later so I better have a lot. It was unconscious. When people judged me and said something i turned inward and put up a wall, and yet continued the action. It wasn't just with food, but with attention, things, events and shows....lots of things.  With food I would eat a lot. With attention (especially romantic attention...if it came from someone I wanted attention from) I would hold onto that and want more, always wanting more. With things/possessions....i would buy/collect clothing, tchotchkes, shiny things, pretty things. anything that caught my eye and I had a momentary I WANT, i would get it...(most of these things didn't end up getting used or even admired much, they would be packed away somewhere), if things were free i would grab a bunch of them...ooh free stuff! There was a momentary good feeling but left me feeling kinda numb and gross inside, especially because I spent a lot of money on some of it. For events and shows, at first I really enjoyed those and time with my friends...but then it seemed I was going just because they asked me, and there was some enjoyment but not as much as I remember having before...and yet I would continue to go do these things, not really enjoying the environment of the place. Again....another waste of money.

With all of these things, I experienced a lack and thought maybe I could use these to fill up my experience. But it always left me wanting more, never satisfied.....And now that I've started to find and connect to an inner wholeness there is some grasping to the old ways of doing things (because its a physical pattern my body is used to). But an even larger dissatisfaction from them. and thus I'm not wanting to do those things anymore. Which is neat, but is alarming as well, because I built the structure of my identity into these things that I did and the way that I was...and here I am finding....I'm not that person, THAT is not my identity.  It's created space to find and BE the person that I am. This is where i've had to open up and face the pain that i've been hiding from myself. and not only show myself but others as well. Its this vulnerability and openness I was avoiding that was driving me to cover it up with anything and everything. And now that I'm actually opening up and sitting WITH the pain, and being open to the discomfort....the joy is brighter, the excitement of life is brighter, the feeling of connectedness and wholeness is more inclusive and full....and there is love....an increasing love for myself and also for others. When you numb fear, anger, discomfort....you also numb joy, love, life.

So....its scary...but its exciting to see and experience actual change. And my zest for life and for myself is increasing. The sky is the limit...and even that isn't a limit...not really.