Tender Tuesday

I've been having trepidation over my other page that I created on facebook. I keep wondering if my story telling goes overboard and lowers the vibration. There are some who REALLY enjoy it, and the others I don't know much, but the feeling I keep getting is to take it out. But then again, that is all part of my growth and awareness and thus is important.

I felt stuck, apathetic, tired, most of the day today. I was looking for distractions and yet somehow kept finding myself alone. I read something that stood out for me. It said something like don't focus on the fruits and success and failure of your labor, just focus on continually working, never stopping.

What I glean from it, i don't consider work as society today defines it. When it says work, I interpret it as awareness....never turn off,  just keep being present, keep going, keep moving. What I brought into my present state of awareness is that ok.....I'm going to face what it is that i'm feeling, (which the apathy and tiredness was acting as a barrier between). I did some work tilling in the garden, trying to be present, and having the intention that as I break up and till the soil, i'm breaking up and tilling the stuck places in me, creating room to let things grow and move.

Yesterday I got a Thai Massage and it was awesome. its more compression and stretching rather then massage...I bring this up because there was a point where she was pulling and stretching me and I could FEEL a giant knot in my back that didn't want to release and come out...and it fricken hurt.

So today....after I finish tilling the bed I was working on i decided to go for a bike ride.
The thoughts going through my head started to focus on what the pain and stuckness was. I did a lot of energy work yesterday and then I 'came out' as a teacher to a respected teacher. For some reason I got this stuck in my head that BPI (Berkeley Psychic Institute...the place where I learned A LOT of my basic tools and the beginning of my perception change) So...for some reason I got it stuck in my head that BPI is this big institution that will strike me down if I share its gifts (because they aren't getting the business) and certainly that picture/energy is there. But when I really look at it, its not just there because of money (which certainly changes the energy a bit) but its also there because the energy worked ...require  those persons involved to be at a certain level of awareness so they aren't completely blown away (incrimental safe growth), and also require going through the multiple classes so you can understand the framework which gives way to deeper levels of understanding later (but you need a base to work off of). There is something to be said of having a community around a set of perceptions or at least energy tools so that there IS support there when you are breaking down and going deeper through the layers.

One thing about energy work that is inevitable...there are sore spots that you don't want to look at, but if you're like me...you also want to grow past their limitations to freedom...so the intention is to look at it and get past it...but it hurts and its painful and it friggen sucks balls. I don't want to...but I am.....

This is the 'picture' that was stuck in my back yesterday. This pain, this rawness, this awareness....that I hurt, there have not been many times in my life where 'I' have REALLY been seen. I've always been seen through the layers and been invalidated. But on another level I haven't LET myself be seen. I hide, turn inwards, play games, follow everyone else but don't let myself be vulnerable and really open....and the times I HAVE been vulnerable and open...the person (expecting my usual toughness or usual mask I use with them) reacts to me like they're reacting to that mask, and IT HURTS. so I've closed back down. But its lonely, never really being seen, never really being understood. Even in the one place where I WAS seen (BPI) I needed a break because I was falling into old roles/patterns/energy.

But here I am in my lonely shell wondering why nobody approaches me, lets me in accepts me and the biggest thing that pops out is that I don't accept MYSELF. I'm scared of being vulnerable and open. because then I realize just how sensitive I really am to my surroundings and its physically jarring. I can't take people "neeeeeding" me, it overloads me. I've also come to realize I don't like certain circumstances that I used to put myself in.

So i'm looking at this while riding my bike....crying. I have tools and the awareness to open up and be sensitive....but its still scary. I"m afraid of being hurt, i'm afraid of being around out of control anger and that it MIGHT be pointed at me. so i better stay down and out of site. I'm afraid of telling people how they make me feel for the fear that I might set them off and they AGAIN/STILL...won't see me.

So many patterns that have pushed me against this. and so i shut down, i create walls...many walls, an interlocking magical puzzle system of walls. even when i let you in, its never all the way in. here i sit alone.

when i close off to other people, i ALSO close off to source, wholeness, connectedness. all wrapped up and bound in this need to please and extreme fear of being rejected or punished.

I keep having awesome moments of clarity and wholeness couched between moments of dissarray and confusion...and I know i'm working through them....but thoughts like today....friggen suck...and that's kind of where i'm at. so i suppose this is my attempt to be completely transparent and let everything be seen....long story rambling and all....I