Lively Lovingness

I do what the voices in my head tell me to do.

Well...not anymore, it's those voices that tell me that I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy, I'm not valuable that are at the base of ALL of my actions and how I feel about myself.

I tell myself I like myself, but do I really feel it? Do I know it? Or how about do I, CAN I, love myself?
I was reading today about being a spiritual warrior, at this point I can admit that yes...that's the path that I am on. Its not about fighting, its about being disciplined and in tune/aligned and aware. One of the things it was talking about is the basic goodness that is intrinsic in all people. in ALL beings. There is a basic goodness to the world.

This basic goodness is missed because we are too busy looking, waiting, searching for the NEXT thing, instead of noticing what's happening in the present moment. I find that a lot of my life comprised of this. I'm so worried about missing out on something, that I'm always in a hurry to be somewhere, do something...and when I'm there, I'm thinking about the NEXT thing I 'have' to do...or want to do. And thus miss out on the magic and joy of the present moment.

Being here for the past 4 months has been a wonderous breather. I have space, and I've given myself the space (most of the time) to slow down and be in the present and notice the beautiful things around me. the beautiful people/souls around me and the wonderful experiences that give me continued growth and awarness...And in this slowing down, i realized....i don't miss my old life AT ALL...the hurry and the always busy and the stress i put myself under.

I still do that....put myself under stress but that usually comes from thinking i 'should' be doing something.....that mostly happens when i compare myself to my contemporaries, or i have imagined punishment coming at me. Scottie and Sarah Jane...two wonderful awesome artists (and people) who are here. This may or may not be true because I don't see them all the time. But I imagine that everytime I don't see them, they are in the studio making art. And then I wonder why I'm not, haven't been in the studio a lot recently. And i also stress myself with the time deadline, the studio needs to be cleaned to get ready for summer and i'm not going to be here for that much longer so i want to start wrapping up projects to get most of them finished before i leave....all of this takes some organizing, because i ALSO need to clean up my stuff that's scattered about the studio.

Now I have no idea if they are in the studio that much, but I compare myself to them and I fail. I feel that what i do is not worthy, isn't valuable, even the book project that i'm in the middle of completing, the actual book is finished but its accompanying pieces aren't. I have had moments where i've started to doubt that piece. Doubt its validity, its rawness, its valuableness.

And this all comes back to how I feel about myself.

And i have to remember i'm doing more than just printing or painting or sculpture as art, MY LIFE right now is an artform. I'm getting in touch with my body, i' m experimenting in the kitchen with cooking new foods, learning some baking and other things, I'm creating a business. ALL of this is my art. And all of this isn't something I've ever given myself credit for. I'm making A LOT of art, its just not all in one tangible form. When I think about being an artist I often think of a teacher who said "if you want to be painter/artist for a living, then you have to paint every day" Well....I AM an artist, I AM many things. but i am creating MY LIFE as my art project. And i get bored with one medium....or bored isn't the right word. I get tired that's true but some of it is that what I have to say and what i want to create isn't IN that medium...it wants to be expressed in a different way. I feel like my creative impulses are being channeled into my communication and figuring that out.

I'm tearing down walls and letting things go. Pain is coming up and out and its both painful and a joy. To finally open up and relax is amazing.

So my current self project is just to be aware and notice the basic goodness in life, in me, in my surroundings, And let it all just BE without judgment. But also in other people. I don't know how many times i've listened to someone without actually listening, I am too busy trying to find holes to fill with MY experience instead of actually listening. Or their experience is too painful for me to hold so i try to fix and make better, instead of listening. When I actually stop and listen to another person, not just with my ears but with my eyes, with my whole being. I notice the other person's radiance, how wonderful they are as spirit....as a person. I can see through all the bullshit and see them. There is nothing to be fixed, there is nothing wrong here is just another soul experiencing life's journey and it is beautiful.

When I listen THAT way, I not only appreciate the person a lot more and their experiences. But I create space to look at myself that way, to appreciate MYSELF. And I also create a space (when I don't fill it with my need to say something in the gaps) for them to see themselves as i'm seeing them (a super awesome, gorgeous, radiant, being). And there...in that moment there is peace and joy and sorrow and everything, and it is BEAUTIFUL. It is LIFE, we are here to experience it all and hold on to none of it. That is why we surrender to the moment and accept what is......and there is peace....tremendous peace.