I've been back in the bay for 3 days now, and it has been a whirlwind of energy, wedding, gathering, baby shower. seeing a portion of the friends i haven't seen in a long while. As I was driving back to where i'm staying this evening, I felt...overwhelmed...too many people's. Of course because these events are wedding and baby shower, i'm around more than just my friends, i'm around their family and friends whom i haven't met before. And that's ok. but there is a part of me that got overpeopled. and just the thought of trying to see everyone made me sick to my stomach. And its not that I don't want to see my friends. its more like i don't want to plan anything.
I also came from a place where there was a core group of less than 10 people, whom i saw almost every day, and there was plenty of down time and places to get away. I was in an area where there were small amounts of people compared to the amount of population that is the bay.
I've already driven to santa cruz, driven to san jose, to union city.....sooo.....much....driving. Just the energy of lots of people in the air and the driving everywhere. THAT is what turned me off about the bay and had me wanting to leave. too much doing. It has nothing to do with how i feel about the people i know and care about. but the lifestyle of doing, doing, doing, and doing so much and not giving yourself a lot of downtime, that you have to find means to zone out and shut off. Whether its drinking or tv, or video games, or....whatever, just something to help you shut down and off.
When I got home tonight I felt exhausted....and I started to feel myself zone out...playing on the phone. Instead of caring for my needs (i was hungry)...and I AM pretty tired. I was reminded of bringing myself back into the present by a very enthusiastic dog. And I'm reminded of all of the things that i want my self to be. I want more presence and awareness...and i got it. and coming back into a different environment, i'm noticing the bombardment, the closed in ness. And that dosen't have to be my reality, I don't HAVE to match the energy of the place, but now is when i've noticed it the most. Now is where my discipline to hold my space will be challenged.
i'm feeling the urge to make some changes, shift things around again. and now that i'm back in the vicinity of friends and family, this is where i'm being pushed to speak up and vocalize my needs. and my need to not be overtly distracted. There's a pushing and pulling, a need to connect and be with everyone again. but also a need to do the things i need to do for my soul. So i'm a bit unbalanced at the moment. pulling back and forth between those two spaces. finding the equalibrium. noticing that i'm uncomfortable in one way and making the change. there is no judgment...just awareness. As I become aware of where I judge myself, I surrender and let go...sometimes right away ....sometimes i need to fight with it a little bit...and that is just where I am...and i'm ok with that.....(most of the time hehe).
so...this is where i am....unbalanced, pretty tired. finding grounding one moment and then having a wave of 'zone out' wash over me the next....and for now...i'm just going to sit with it and allow it to be. ...
there's a lot to process =)
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
love
Today is self existing earth. Bringing form to navigation, to the direction I have now decided to go....A year ago...I started this journey. (although i didn't know it at the time) actually i started it yyyyeeeeaaaarrrrssss before that, when I made the original intention to move and get the heck out of dodge. It took me 3 1/2 years to manifest that intention. It took me that long to finally trust myself, to finally trust the universe/god/divine presence...whatever you want to call it. I slowly gained presence and trust over the years. I opened up crack by excruciating crack.
And then in one big burst I took a running leap. There's this image that's been in my head for some time.
I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.
I have wings and the capability to fly.
but i don't trust myself, I don't trust my wings ability. I just keep staring down. even though I KNOW it will be sweet and healing. I'm afraid of that initial fear, the initial pain as I take a slight plunge to get air under my wings.
And I KNOW there will be a plunge. and in that plunge I know i'll be losing stuff. but I just stand there. picking up courage, to take the leak I KNOW i'm going to take...its only a matter of time. But I stand there....drawing it up. considering/not considering, just....staring, just being with the concept.
And I finally did it....I took a leap. and from that one leap, i have been able to make others, almost effortlessly. I've lost. But everything i've lost....I no longer need or desire. I've only lost the old trappings and security of a life that no longer worked for me....That never DID work for me.
I've been in this skin, in this idea, trying to make it work. Trying to do it like everyone else and for some reason I kept coming up against a hard place. the same fears kept me back, and I couldn't face them. Its almost like i've needed this leap to gain momentum to face the fears. Because i've faced them....I've gotten a good look at them, and transformed many of them. I've gone through to the other side and found truth and joy and love. Which has given me the courage to face the deeper fears.
I've started to gain a personal collection of tools that i use to get through each big block. There seems to be a combination of talking/writing about it, creating an art project around it....art is important, meditation, healing work, attracting people to read so that I can look at it from a different perspective. And practicing just BE-ing, and surrendering to what IS.
I've become a spiritual warrior. I am still a fledgling. but i have enough discipline and strength and power to carry forward. My ultimate goal is to bring this forward through me, to share with others. I suppose that's why i've started this. I've noticed that its important to share journeys. This is important for me, because first I have to give credit to My journey . I have to give WORTH to my journey. I second guess myself all the time, thinking...oh i'm saying too much.. blah blah blah. ....i know i have a tendency to over-talk and explore a topic, in a sometimes babbling fashion. But this too is part of my process. I need to get all the words out to get down to the simplicity. I need to see all teh trappings and attachments. working my way AROUND.
I can see the initial boiled down truth...but it doesn't mean anything until i integrate it and view it through my world. It's abstract until I really take a minute to see what it LOOKS like....what does it look like?
When I am living effortless and abundantly and the magic is coming to me...what does THAT look like?
When I start to stress and try and control things and the flow stops....what does THAT look like?
When I feel my heart contract and fold in on itself...that's the fear talking. that's me shutting down the love. not only for that other person or event that caused it...but mainly to MYSELF. Since I am the conduit for the love to flow, it has to reach me before it reaches someone else....and if i shut down and close at the thought of that 'someone else' i'm depriving myself.
I think that's what jesus was talking about when he talks about forgiveness.....we don't forgive others for their sake...we forgive them for OUR sake.
If you choose to hold a grudge over something the only person you're really hurting is yourself...by holding onto the pain of what happened. A lot of the time, the other person has already gotten over it, they've let you go and moved on.. and yet here you are still living in the pain, stabbing yourself over and over.....so...go ahead and forgive that person.....you don't have to see them or talk to them again, but forgive them so that YOU can move on. so that you can move THROUGH the pain, and not have to carry that burden of hate anymore....and hate is a burden.
I've since let go of hate, its too toxic of an emotion for my body to handle anymore. but there are other vibrations that are subtle. the biggest one is fear. i'm afraid of being rejected, or that person didn't do what I expected, and i didn't feel that welcomed (probably because i was afraid of being rejected and then acted differently creating the very thing i was afraid of!)....so to keep from having my feelings hurt....i shut down and close off to that other person. And that is a deadening feeling, it feels like a part of myself has just shut down and died. I can FEEL it take my vibration down. back. to where i was.
to be in the vibration of fear is not necessary. its not fun. and it hurts
so slowly but surely, i'm making small steps to turn back into love. I notice where i hold a grudge and am feeling pain....i give myself some time to feel that (because running away just prolongs the pain) and then i make the decision to forgive....to forgive myself first (because i am quickest to judge myself) and then usually there is no need to forgive the other person (but i do anyways). because once i forgive myself. i start to become strong in myself again and it doesn't really matter what the other person did...it's all here to bless me. It wouldn't have bothered me if it wasn't something i needed to see within myself.
THAT is LOVE....we are love, there is no self love because that requires there to be two of you, the self...and the part of you that loves. and there is only one of you and you ARE love...I am love...when I realize that truth, that becomes my experience.
And then in one big burst I took a running leap. There's this image that's been in my head for some time.
I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.
I have wings and the capability to fly.
but i don't trust myself, I don't trust my wings ability. I just keep staring down. even though I KNOW it will be sweet and healing. I'm afraid of that initial fear, the initial pain as I take a slight plunge to get air under my wings.
And I KNOW there will be a plunge. and in that plunge I know i'll be losing stuff. but I just stand there. picking up courage, to take the leak I KNOW i'm going to take...its only a matter of time. But I stand there....drawing it up. considering/not considering, just....staring, just being with the concept.
And I finally did it....I took a leap. and from that one leap, i have been able to make others, almost effortlessly. I've lost. But everything i've lost....I no longer need or desire. I've only lost the old trappings and security of a life that no longer worked for me....That never DID work for me.
I've been in this skin, in this idea, trying to make it work. Trying to do it like everyone else and for some reason I kept coming up against a hard place. the same fears kept me back, and I couldn't face them. Its almost like i've needed this leap to gain momentum to face the fears. Because i've faced them....I've gotten a good look at them, and transformed many of them. I've gone through to the other side and found truth and joy and love. Which has given me the courage to face the deeper fears.
I've started to gain a personal collection of tools that i use to get through each big block. There seems to be a combination of talking/writing about it, creating an art project around it....art is important, meditation, healing work, attracting people to read so that I can look at it from a different perspective. And practicing just BE-ing, and surrendering to what IS.
I've become a spiritual warrior. I am still a fledgling. but i have enough discipline and strength and power to carry forward. My ultimate goal is to bring this forward through me, to share with others. I suppose that's why i've started this. I've noticed that its important to share journeys. This is important for me, because first I have to give credit to My journey . I have to give WORTH to my journey. I second guess myself all the time, thinking...oh i'm saying too much.. blah blah blah. ....i know i have a tendency to over-talk and explore a topic, in a sometimes babbling fashion. But this too is part of my process. I need to get all the words out to get down to the simplicity. I need to see all teh trappings and attachments. working my way AROUND.
I can see the initial boiled down truth...but it doesn't mean anything until i integrate it and view it through my world. It's abstract until I really take a minute to see what it LOOKS like....what does it look like?
When I am living effortless and abundantly and the magic is coming to me...what does THAT look like?
When I start to stress and try and control things and the flow stops....what does THAT look like?
When I feel my heart contract and fold in on itself...that's the fear talking. that's me shutting down the love. not only for that other person or event that caused it...but mainly to MYSELF. Since I am the conduit for the love to flow, it has to reach me before it reaches someone else....and if i shut down and close at the thought of that 'someone else' i'm depriving myself.
I think that's what jesus was talking about when he talks about forgiveness.....we don't forgive others for their sake...we forgive them for OUR sake.
If you choose to hold a grudge over something the only person you're really hurting is yourself...by holding onto the pain of what happened. A lot of the time, the other person has already gotten over it, they've let you go and moved on.. and yet here you are still living in the pain, stabbing yourself over and over.....so...go ahead and forgive that person.....you don't have to see them or talk to them again, but forgive them so that YOU can move on. so that you can move THROUGH the pain, and not have to carry that burden of hate anymore....and hate is a burden.
I've since let go of hate, its too toxic of an emotion for my body to handle anymore. but there are other vibrations that are subtle. the biggest one is fear. i'm afraid of being rejected, or that person didn't do what I expected, and i didn't feel that welcomed (probably because i was afraid of being rejected and then acted differently creating the very thing i was afraid of!)....so to keep from having my feelings hurt....i shut down and close off to that other person. And that is a deadening feeling, it feels like a part of myself has just shut down and died. I can FEEL it take my vibration down. back. to where i was.
to be in the vibration of fear is not necessary. its not fun. and it hurts
so slowly but surely, i'm making small steps to turn back into love. I notice where i hold a grudge and am feeling pain....i give myself some time to feel that (because running away just prolongs the pain) and then i make the decision to forgive....to forgive myself first (because i am quickest to judge myself) and then usually there is no need to forgive the other person (but i do anyways). because once i forgive myself. i start to become strong in myself again and it doesn't really matter what the other person did...it's all here to bless me. It wouldn't have bothered me if it wasn't something i needed to see within myself.
THAT is LOVE....we are love, there is no self love because that requires there to be two of you, the self...and the part of you that loves. and there is only one of you and you ARE love...I am love...when I realize that truth, that becomes my experience.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
getting aligned
I'm starting to feel like I don't have much to say. There are some days where there is a litany spewing forth from my brain....But I keep coming back to the same thing. Simplification, presence....in the present...and letting go of control (or the illusion of control, because what can you REALLY control?)
As I simplify and become more in tune, aligned with my higher truth, i'm finding less of a need to talk. I'm realizing, that most of my talking to this point has been trying to 'catch' another person's attention, care, validation, love. I felt that if I showed that I was needy enough I would get it. But in reality all that does is turn a person away, they get over inundated, they can't take anymore in...and they mentally shut off. Their presence is gone. I also find that my talking is a fear of empty spaces. that empty space in a conversation, where there is silence, I search in my head for something to say, to fill the gaps.
Before it didn't take very long for me to find something to fill the gaps.
But NOW....now i'm finding....that most of what i would 'reach' for....is unecessary. There's a part of me when I have a good experience/ communication with someone...I WANT MOAR...more of that person, more of that goodness. i want to roll myself in it, surround myself in it. And i'm sad and a little let down when that other person leaves. Because i've started to build an expectation around that person. That this good feeling comes from "THIS ONE PERSON" and I can't have it with anyone else.
But that good feeling persists even after the person has left the conversation. That good feeling...is presence. Is ME, really paying attention to and connecting with myself..and myself IN another person. I've had several phone conversations and some in person conversations today. And in all of them i've noticed where the lull was, and I was content to just have those spaces. Before my mind kicked in and said 'I needed to say something....cus we're on the phone...of course we should talk!" But i have less to say, there is less of an inner need to put in my say, tell MY story, say what I think. I can let go of the story I have for every little thing that has been brought up. As I let go of all my "problems' (which aren't really problems) and start to be grateful for what I have, what comes up is stuff that i would previously have deemed too personal, inner workings, total honesty of what i'm feeling..... i still caught myself avoiding eye contact....
I'm facing those fears, falling into them, every time I caught myself I wondered why... I talk, but don't look to see how the other person reacts...then I turned my eyes and attention back. One of the reasons is that I lose my train of thought when I look at another person in the eyes.... and I realize...this is because it doesn't REALLY matter. If it DID matter, I would be able to say it and remember it either way. And what DOES come out, is what's most important. I instead started to notice the care and love for another person. Actually caring how that person thinks and feels, and all of a sudden, what I have to say is unimportant....and it leaves me with this inner glow.
wow....good awareness <3
As I simplify and become more in tune, aligned with my higher truth, i'm finding less of a need to talk. I'm realizing, that most of my talking to this point has been trying to 'catch' another person's attention, care, validation, love. I felt that if I showed that I was needy enough I would get it. But in reality all that does is turn a person away, they get over inundated, they can't take anymore in...and they mentally shut off. Their presence is gone. I also find that my talking is a fear of empty spaces. that empty space in a conversation, where there is silence, I search in my head for something to say, to fill the gaps.
Before it didn't take very long for me to find something to fill the gaps.
But NOW....now i'm finding....that most of what i would 'reach' for....is unecessary. There's a part of me when I have a good experience/ communication with someone...I WANT MOAR...more of that person, more of that goodness. i want to roll myself in it, surround myself in it. And i'm sad and a little let down when that other person leaves. Because i've started to build an expectation around that person. That this good feeling comes from "THIS ONE PERSON" and I can't have it with anyone else.
But that good feeling persists even after the person has left the conversation. That good feeling...is presence. Is ME, really paying attention to and connecting with myself..and myself IN another person. I've had several phone conversations and some in person conversations today. And in all of them i've noticed where the lull was, and I was content to just have those spaces. Before my mind kicked in and said 'I needed to say something....cus we're on the phone...of course we should talk!" But i have less to say, there is less of an inner need to put in my say, tell MY story, say what I think. I can let go of the story I have for every little thing that has been brought up. As I let go of all my "problems' (which aren't really problems) and start to be grateful for what I have, what comes up is stuff that i would previously have deemed too personal, inner workings, total honesty of what i'm feeling..... i still caught myself avoiding eye contact....
I'm facing those fears, falling into them, every time I caught myself I wondered why... I talk, but don't look to see how the other person reacts...then I turned my eyes and attention back. One of the reasons is that I lose my train of thought when I look at another person in the eyes.... and I realize...this is because it doesn't REALLY matter. If it DID matter, I would be able to say it and remember it either way. And what DOES come out, is what's most important. I instead started to notice the care and love for another person. Actually caring how that person thinks and feels, and all of a sudden, what I have to say is unimportant....and it leaves me with this inner glow.
wow....good awareness <3
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
windy night
The wind, the ground, the space.
Theres always a sense of calm for me on a windy night. I could listen to the world talk for hours. the wind buffeting the structure i'm housed in... is peaceful. My senses become keyed and tuned in to other noises. A crow's cry, wind chimes, the river, frogs, cars going by, bird's chirp. In that space of just be-ing....is peace, is fullness....is whole. THAT is connection with the divine source, and it opens of the channels, makes room to create. Sharing that space with another human who is just as inclined to listen and feel, is invigorating. Presence, begats presence. Space is created, the magic starts to happen, creations manifest easily, there is a flow.
It's soothing, and quiets and massages the inner parts of me. those parts that were bunched up with anxiousness can now release and let go. I become a river, allowing thoughts and feelings to flow through me.
this presence with others is healing. I want more of it, quiet conversation, with lots of space to formulate words and thoughts. Its the calm feeling i get when sitting around a bonfire. I've had many awesome human interactions around fire. The fire gives you an 'excuse' to not HAVE to talk, and when you do talk, the experience is calm and healing, because i am speaking not from a need to fit or connect, but from a genuine desire to connect. No expectations. just talk, see what comes up, see how the conversation flows, see where it goes. And then sitting in comfortable silences, feeling what has been said, being in the moment.
showing myself, my inner workings to another, without the need or want to be healed..to just..communicate. here i am, this is me...for now
sharing helps me formulate who i am, what i am creating, and what i want to create. It just seems to be my process. I don't articulate my ideas very well through the spoken word. it takes me time and space to get an idea across. With writing its quiet, i'm not competing......that's what was different....i wasn't competing...i was curious and just being curious and present calms my social anxieties. huh....who'd a thunk it?
Theres always a sense of calm for me on a windy night. I could listen to the world talk for hours. the wind buffeting the structure i'm housed in... is peaceful. My senses become keyed and tuned in to other noises. A crow's cry, wind chimes, the river, frogs, cars going by, bird's chirp. In that space of just be-ing....is peace, is fullness....is whole. THAT is connection with the divine source, and it opens of the channels, makes room to create. Sharing that space with another human who is just as inclined to listen and feel, is invigorating. Presence, begats presence. Space is created, the magic starts to happen, creations manifest easily, there is a flow.
It's soothing, and quiets and massages the inner parts of me. those parts that were bunched up with anxiousness can now release and let go. I become a river, allowing thoughts and feelings to flow through me.
this presence with others is healing. I want more of it, quiet conversation, with lots of space to formulate words and thoughts. Its the calm feeling i get when sitting around a bonfire. I've had many awesome human interactions around fire. The fire gives you an 'excuse' to not HAVE to talk, and when you do talk, the experience is calm and healing, because i am speaking not from a need to fit or connect, but from a genuine desire to connect. No expectations. just talk, see what comes up, see how the conversation flows, see where it goes. And then sitting in comfortable silences, feeling what has been said, being in the moment.
showing myself, my inner workings to another, without the need or want to be healed..to just..communicate. here i am, this is me...for now
sharing helps me formulate who i am, what i am creating, and what i want to create. It just seems to be my process. I don't articulate my ideas very well through the spoken word. it takes me time and space to get an idea across. With writing its quiet, i'm not competing......that's what was different....i wasn't competing...i was curious and just being curious and present calms my social anxieties. huh....who'd a thunk it?
Monday, June 4, 2012
The Grunewald Guild
I've been at the guild as an artist in residence/volunteer since mid January.....that will leave me a couple of days short of 6 months when I leave on June 16th. In these past 5 and a half months I've come to consider this place a home. A home that has more fullness and acceptance than I've ever allowed myself to experience.
A little background on me, I am not nor have I ever really considered myself a Christian. I was raised Lutheran, but it was never enforced and after a move at the age of 8, we never went to church as a family again. I was an avid reader of sci-fi/fantasy novels, and fairly early on I started exploring alternative faiths and ways of connecting to the divine. There was a short period of time where i read about Wicca, and had decided I liked what they were saying so I was going to be a wiccan.....that didn't last long. But the things I read stuck with me, and then after high-school I starting taking classes in meditation, and shortly after jumped into a year long intensive clairvoyant training program at the Berkeley Psychic Institute. From then on I used the tools I learned there to continue exploring the nature of the divine. I started to weave and build upon my ideas while I worked on my Bachelor of Fine Arts at San Jose State. My art became a way for me to further express and explore these feelings, and started to become trans-formative for me as i was able to see my journey in a visual nature. I studied print-making and oil painting in school and then had a job working for a company that made ceramic plaques with baby hands and feet, where I begun to become more familiar with ceramics and often used the leftover clay to make sculptures.
Last year in June, my job at that company ended leaving me with no job, and no jobs coming in. At this point I had developed a sense of trust and faith in the universe/god/divine source (whatever you want to call it). And realized, no jobs were manifesting, because I needed to make some changes and finally move (like I had been wanting to FOR YEEAAARRSSSS). So at the end of August I drove north, visited friends through Oregon and ended up in Bellingham, WA, where i stayed with my dad's friends from before i was born. In December I found out about the guild doing a search for sanctuary spaces i could volunteer at. I felt a deep need to disconnect from everything, and find myself.
In the middle of a huge storm I arrived at the guild, there was 4-5 ft of snow on the ground and there were hills of snow in the parking lot (which i later found out to be vehicles). I had some trepidation about coming here. I read about their christian roots, and I was wary. My experience as someone who has never quite felt at home within the christian faith is that most Christians that I met would try to convert me or judge my beliefs. And I was wary about being accepted.
But my worries were unfounded. Those at the guild live a life that I would consider more like the life of Christ himself. They have their own beliefs...and they are strong in their own beliefs, but not ONE of them has tried to force any of their beliefs upon me. They accepted me and cared for me as I was. They gave me space to be whatever I needed to be, and were willing to dialogue about the differences in beliefs. It is through these dialogues that I have come to realize that my 'issue' with Christianity was really an issue I had with myself. I felt so insecure within myself that I would push MY beliefs upon others. (exactly what i disliked about 'the supposed Christians') I realized I had made a caricature within my head, and I had never REALLY looked at it again, I was slighted by one or two people when I was young and it had forever changed my vision (i don't even remember the particular instances anymore), I have looked at it through that same lens and never stopped to see if maybe the view had changed.
The guild has an ecumenical christian founding but it is not overtly so. There are some touches here and there of crosses or paintings of Jesus. But what really stands out is the love of art and faith. There are rich paintings and sculptures everywhere which just have an aliveness to them. And THAT is the joy that they share here. They don't care what faith you are from, but they want to help you discover your own faith and joy WITHIN art. Here, you have permission to make a mess, make mistakes....and its all ok, in fact..its encouraged, because it is within your mistakes and messes are where the true gems lie.
I've already had this sense of play and faith and joy within my art, but within this space its given me the permission as a person to be a mess. I don't have to have it all together, I don't have to know it all, if I'm emotional, I'm going to cry my eyes out.....and its ok. I've had permission to make mistakes, I've stepped on people's toes, forced my opinions on people (or tried), not really listened and assumed i knew it all, said more than a couple of stupid things, I've started a project that was too big and couldn't finish it and through all of this instead of feeling punished I've been redirected, reminded of what i was doing, and supported as a person.
Through these ups and downs I've started to see who I REALLY am...instead of who i thought i was supposed to be. I've figured out that I can find things out for myself and I don't have to rely on other people's expertise. I've also figured out that it is OK to ask for help and admit that I am wrong, as well as admit that someone knows more than me...it doesn't make ME any less of a person. I've figured out that I'm tired of painting on flat surfaces, I'm not interested in clean paper or flat prints. I want to make my prints come alive...to come off the wall. I would rather my art make someone happy than to make a lot of money from it. I want my art to touch people. I've discovered that many things i was afraid of doing before have actually become exhilarating and joyful. I've discovered that its OK to be HUMAN....there's no such thing as perfection. I've discovered even more the faith/belief and complete absolute trust in the divine. And the only way to touch people is to BE what you believe...If I want to feel love, I have to BE love. If i want to feel accepted, I have to BE accepting. If i want to be heard, I have to really LISTEN and HEAR what a person is. I really enjoy the moment where I fully connect with and see another person, hear another person. And really get, WHO they are, not the dirty lens that they might usually be seen through. And most importantly I have to LET GO. Let go of any expectations that I might have of this other person. Let go of any needs I have of this other person.
And the Guild has made all of this possible. When you create and hold a space, people have permission and a chance to heal themselves and change themselves. And the Grunewald Guild is a fantastic example of this. Nestled in the cascade mountains, surrounded by trees and nature, and a river, and gorgeous days...you get a grounding from nature itself. The grounds are large and weaved into the land, there are pockets of stillness. There is art everywhere, expressions of the individual people who have been touched by the guild in the last 33 years. All this creates a prime atmosphere for growth and space. Walking around the grounds you just feel safe....it IS a sanctuary, built and infused with love and spirit. This is a safe space for anyone to explore their inner workings. But this is also a place with permission to try anything...if you want to teach a class, then you are encouraged and have the space to do so.
As I mentally ready myself to leave this place there is sadness, and also a lot of love. The things I have gained here, I will take with me. I am grateful to have had the space to just be who I am, and to become more grounded in the person I am becoming. It's been a journey, and the journey has just begun, I'm glad that it is grounded in the spirit and love of this place, its a great energy to take with me.
A little background on me, I am not nor have I ever really considered myself a Christian. I was raised Lutheran, but it was never enforced and after a move at the age of 8, we never went to church as a family again. I was an avid reader of sci-fi/fantasy novels, and fairly early on I started exploring alternative faiths and ways of connecting to the divine. There was a short period of time where i read about Wicca, and had decided I liked what they were saying so I was going to be a wiccan.....that didn't last long. But the things I read stuck with me, and then after high-school I starting taking classes in meditation, and shortly after jumped into a year long intensive clairvoyant training program at the Berkeley Psychic Institute. From then on I used the tools I learned there to continue exploring the nature of the divine. I started to weave and build upon my ideas while I worked on my Bachelor of Fine Arts at San Jose State. My art became a way for me to further express and explore these feelings, and started to become trans-formative for me as i was able to see my journey in a visual nature. I studied print-making and oil painting in school and then had a job working for a company that made ceramic plaques with baby hands and feet, where I begun to become more familiar with ceramics and often used the leftover clay to make sculptures.
Last year in June, my job at that company ended leaving me with no job, and no jobs coming in. At this point I had developed a sense of trust and faith in the universe/god/divine source (whatever you want to call it). And realized, no jobs were manifesting, because I needed to make some changes and finally move (like I had been wanting to FOR YEEAAARRSSSS). So at the end of August I drove north, visited friends through Oregon and ended up in Bellingham, WA, where i stayed with my dad's friends from before i was born. In December I found out about the guild doing a search for sanctuary spaces i could volunteer at. I felt a deep need to disconnect from everything, and find myself.
In the middle of a huge storm I arrived at the guild, there was 4-5 ft of snow on the ground and there were hills of snow in the parking lot (which i later found out to be vehicles). I had some trepidation about coming here. I read about their christian roots, and I was wary. My experience as someone who has never quite felt at home within the christian faith is that most Christians that I met would try to convert me or judge my beliefs. And I was wary about being accepted.
But my worries were unfounded. Those at the guild live a life that I would consider more like the life of Christ himself. They have their own beliefs...and they are strong in their own beliefs, but not ONE of them has tried to force any of their beliefs upon me. They accepted me and cared for me as I was. They gave me space to be whatever I needed to be, and were willing to dialogue about the differences in beliefs. It is through these dialogues that I have come to realize that my 'issue' with Christianity was really an issue I had with myself. I felt so insecure within myself that I would push MY beliefs upon others. (exactly what i disliked about 'the supposed Christians') I realized I had made a caricature within my head, and I had never REALLY looked at it again, I was slighted by one or two people when I was young and it had forever changed my vision (i don't even remember the particular instances anymore), I have looked at it through that same lens and never stopped to see if maybe the view had changed.
The guild has an ecumenical christian founding but it is not overtly so. There are some touches here and there of crosses or paintings of Jesus. But what really stands out is the love of art and faith. There are rich paintings and sculptures everywhere which just have an aliveness to them. And THAT is the joy that they share here. They don't care what faith you are from, but they want to help you discover your own faith and joy WITHIN art. Here, you have permission to make a mess, make mistakes....and its all ok, in fact..its encouraged, because it is within your mistakes and messes are where the true gems lie.
I've already had this sense of play and faith and joy within my art, but within this space its given me the permission as a person to be a mess. I don't have to have it all together, I don't have to know it all, if I'm emotional, I'm going to cry my eyes out.....and its ok. I've had permission to make mistakes, I've stepped on people's toes, forced my opinions on people (or tried), not really listened and assumed i knew it all, said more than a couple of stupid things, I've started a project that was too big and couldn't finish it and through all of this instead of feeling punished I've been redirected, reminded of what i was doing, and supported as a person.
Through these ups and downs I've started to see who I REALLY am...instead of who i thought i was supposed to be. I've figured out that I can find things out for myself and I don't have to rely on other people's expertise. I've also figured out that it is OK to ask for help and admit that I am wrong, as well as admit that someone knows more than me...it doesn't make ME any less of a person. I've figured out that I'm tired of painting on flat surfaces, I'm not interested in clean paper or flat prints. I want to make my prints come alive...to come off the wall. I would rather my art make someone happy than to make a lot of money from it. I want my art to touch people. I've discovered that many things i was afraid of doing before have actually become exhilarating and joyful. I've discovered that its OK to be HUMAN....there's no such thing as perfection. I've discovered even more the faith/belief and complete absolute trust in the divine. And the only way to touch people is to BE what you believe...If I want to feel love, I have to BE love. If i want to feel accepted, I have to BE accepting. If i want to be heard, I have to really LISTEN and HEAR what a person is. I really enjoy the moment where I fully connect with and see another person, hear another person. And really get, WHO they are, not the dirty lens that they might usually be seen through. And most importantly I have to LET GO. Let go of any expectations that I might have of this other person. Let go of any needs I have of this other person.
And the Guild has made all of this possible. When you create and hold a space, people have permission and a chance to heal themselves and change themselves. And the Grunewald Guild is a fantastic example of this. Nestled in the cascade mountains, surrounded by trees and nature, and a river, and gorgeous days...you get a grounding from nature itself. The grounds are large and weaved into the land, there are pockets of stillness. There is art everywhere, expressions of the individual people who have been touched by the guild in the last 33 years. All this creates a prime atmosphere for growth and space. Walking around the grounds you just feel safe....it IS a sanctuary, built and infused with love and spirit. This is a safe space for anyone to explore their inner workings. But this is also a place with permission to try anything...if you want to teach a class, then you are encouraged and have the space to do so.
As I mentally ready myself to leave this place there is sadness, and also a lot of love. The things I have gained here, I will take with me. I am grateful to have had the space to just be who I am, and to become more grounded in the person I am becoming. It's been a journey, and the journey has just begun, I'm glad that it is grounded in the spirit and love of this place, its a great energy to take with me.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
shedding some skin
I'm sitting here trying to put words to how i feel. to my reflection on the day, there are so many thoughts...and yet none sufficient enough, none necessary. All I can feel is an expanding and an opening of my heart. These past 5-6 days have been tough, there have been ups and downs and many nights i go to bed feeling great, but its the moving through that's been.....uncomfortable.
I had a lot of great conversations today, and now that i think of it....not one of them did i carry any expectation on it. It wasn't that i didn't care, it was that i didn't expect the other person to be a certain way, and in doing so i opened myself up to wonder, to wonder about this other person, and ask them questions, to get to wonder at their lives even more. I also spent a lot of time silently appreciating the people around me. Noticing their beauty, them as soul AND body. I let go of self expectations and judgments as well....because the only way to truly have no expectations of others is to let yourself off the hook too.
And it was miraculous, i flowed from task to task, really enjoying what i was doing in the moment, and just resting. Today was work weekend at the guild, where people come and do grounds and garden work in exchange for room and delicious meals. I got to meet some of the long time guilders and some newbies. Then after dinner we had a 'history of plain' presentation here (Plain is the town the guild is in). I was struck by the diversity of crowd the guild draws. From outside of the immediate area the guild draws many artists who are wild and eccentric by nature, many who like to explore new thoughts and concepts, and generally fit the 'hippy' vibe this place has. The group that was here for the presentation were all people mostly from the area. All people who have grown up here, or moved here, hard working people who embody the energy of highly structured conservative christian logging town it was built on.
These are such a gap...and a tension between these two groups....now there ARE artists in this area who LOVE the guild and that there is a place like this that exists, but my feeling with the rest of them is that they don't quite get it, are not QUITE comfortable with thinking openly and differently.
To me, the guild embodies acceptance, acceptance without judgment, or rules or structures to abide by...just open armed acceptance. Even if they don't believe what you believe, they will at least listen to you....really listen to you. And try to wrap their minds around..or let them go.
Talking with one of the guildies tonight, she was telling me that other than her husband, I'm the only one who she can talk to about different spiritual stuff....and i came upon something that i forget.
I get so caught up in trying to be something, be important, be included, that i spread my ideas out like a spray hoping to catch someone in it and they will reflect back and validate my experience....but what I've been projecting is insecurity....so what i get a lot of times is either :
#1-validating someones insecurity...so they buy into what I'm saying, and then i fall in to judging the weakness of the other person
#2- the other person can't hear what i have to say, and won't listen so they shut off and down, saying something to invalidate my knowledge and experience making me feel insecure and invalidated......because I'm operating from a sense of insecurity, not wanting to share
and I've been getting just that....a reflection of who i am, a closed individual, who is insecure in who she is, either reaching out for validation or shutting off what i think doesn't fit with me without even looking at it..
and i realized...a lot of my beliefs about life, and spirit, and love...are different from that of a lot of people...from the majority of the society (it seems). And its not necessary for me to push it on them. some people JUST AREN'T THERE yet...or never...and IT IS OK! it doesn't mean I am less, it doesn't mean THEY don't appreciate me and care for me...it just means they haven't gotten to a place where they can see that.....if they ever will.
I also realized that i influence and change other people so much more when i am just being myself and being true to my beliefs....it is LIVING my truths which will influence others, not what i SAY.
and communicating IS important, but instead of communicating about mental distractions, to release the fear and say what is REALLY at the heart of the matter, what am i feeling inside, the part of me that is vulnerable and sad and open and joyful....my insecurities, the part that i used to feel was necessary to hide 'because i had to be strong' thinking i had to live up to some mythological guidelines in my head...which ultimately left me feeling more disconnected and outcast.
This is part of the reason that I write this. I am human, i have common experiences, and even if its sometimes scary for me, i know that every negative thought I've had about myself, there's someone else out there who's had that very same negative thought.....i used to try to pride myself in being different...no one understands me, I'm different. i dye my hair funky colors and wear strange clothing, I'm different, I'm cooler than everyone else, I'm an artist, I'm different, there's no way you could understand or be at the same level as me.......this as well left me feeling disconnected from people, and outcast. i was basing my self perception on judging other people (mentally mostly, because there was a part of me that knew it was rude and mean to speak it out loud).
now i realize that the judgment i feel is really my judgment of myself reflected back at me through another person.
So....today i was ultra aware of my reactions and thoughts, and i had many people come in and take care of me, take over some duties, set me free, love me. because every time i had a judging thought, i would stop myself and find the good, the beautiful, the divine in another person.
in the tzolkin calender i follow we are in the midst of the red dragon wavespell...for 13 days (the wave) we travel through this energy looking at different aspects. Dragon is rebirth, renewal, being, and it has been a very uncomfortable time for me. the only thing that has gotten me through it is remembering that this is a time of shifting, of upgrading vibrations of living, of loving, of shedding my old skin. Today was red overtone snake....for the past 5 days I've been itching and scratching and loosening my old dead skin and today I've started to make the move out of it. it is a slow process which is uncomfortable, my skin is tender and vulnerable, so that even the slightest breeze can be a shock. So I'm sitting with it, and giving myself permission to sit with it. stay with the feeling and feel THROUGH the pain. knowing that if i look at it, its not REALLY that big...in fact it gets smaller....as long as i look at it and release any mental chatter that tries to come up. just focusing and totally enveloping myself in the feeling.
I had a lot of great conversations today, and now that i think of it....not one of them did i carry any expectation on it. It wasn't that i didn't care, it was that i didn't expect the other person to be a certain way, and in doing so i opened myself up to wonder, to wonder about this other person, and ask them questions, to get to wonder at their lives even more. I also spent a lot of time silently appreciating the people around me. Noticing their beauty, them as soul AND body. I let go of self expectations and judgments as well....because the only way to truly have no expectations of others is to let yourself off the hook too.
And it was miraculous, i flowed from task to task, really enjoying what i was doing in the moment, and just resting. Today was work weekend at the guild, where people come and do grounds and garden work in exchange for room and delicious meals. I got to meet some of the long time guilders and some newbies. Then after dinner we had a 'history of plain' presentation here (Plain is the town the guild is in). I was struck by the diversity of crowd the guild draws. From outside of the immediate area the guild draws many artists who are wild and eccentric by nature, many who like to explore new thoughts and concepts, and generally fit the 'hippy' vibe this place has. The group that was here for the presentation were all people mostly from the area. All people who have grown up here, or moved here, hard working people who embody the energy of highly structured conservative christian logging town it was built on.
These are such a gap...and a tension between these two groups....now there ARE artists in this area who LOVE the guild and that there is a place like this that exists, but my feeling with the rest of them is that they don't quite get it, are not QUITE comfortable with thinking openly and differently.
To me, the guild embodies acceptance, acceptance without judgment, or rules or structures to abide by...just open armed acceptance. Even if they don't believe what you believe, they will at least listen to you....really listen to you. And try to wrap their minds around..or let them go.
Talking with one of the guildies tonight, she was telling me that other than her husband, I'm the only one who she can talk to about different spiritual stuff....and i came upon something that i forget.
I get so caught up in trying to be something, be important, be included, that i spread my ideas out like a spray hoping to catch someone in it and they will reflect back and validate my experience....but what I've been projecting is insecurity....so what i get a lot of times is either :
#1-validating someones insecurity...so they buy into what I'm saying, and then i fall in to judging the weakness of the other person
#2- the other person can't hear what i have to say, and won't listen so they shut off and down, saying something to invalidate my knowledge and experience making me feel insecure and invalidated......because I'm operating from a sense of insecurity, not wanting to share
and I've been getting just that....a reflection of who i am, a closed individual, who is insecure in who she is, either reaching out for validation or shutting off what i think doesn't fit with me without even looking at it..
and i realized...a lot of my beliefs about life, and spirit, and love...are different from that of a lot of people...from the majority of the society (it seems). And its not necessary for me to push it on them. some people JUST AREN'T THERE yet...or never...and IT IS OK! it doesn't mean I am less, it doesn't mean THEY don't appreciate me and care for me...it just means they haven't gotten to a place where they can see that.....if they ever will.
I also realized that i influence and change other people so much more when i am just being myself and being true to my beliefs....it is LIVING my truths which will influence others, not what i SAY.
and communicating IS important, but instead of communicating about mental distractions, to release the fear and say what is REALLY at the heart of the matter, what am i feeling inside, the part of me that is vulnerable and sad and open and joyful....my insecurities, the part that i used to feel was necessary to hide 'because i had to be strong' thinking i had to live up to some mythological guidelines in my head...which ultimately left me feeling more disconnected and outcast.
This is part of the reason that I write this. I am human, i have common experiences, and even if its sometimes scary for me, i know that every negative thought I've had about myself, there's someone else out there who's had that very same negative thought.....i used to try to pride myself in being different...no one understands me, I'm different. i dye my hair funky colors and wear strange clothing, I'm different, I'm cooler than everyone else, I'm an artist, I'm different, there's no way you could understand or be at the same level as me.......this as well left me feeling disconnected from people, and outcast. i was basing my self perception on judging other people (mentally mostly, because there was a part of me that knew it was rude and mean to speak it out loud).
now i realize that the judgment i feel is really my judgment of myself reflected back at me through another person.
So....today i was ultra aware of my reactions and thoughts, and i had many people come in and take care of me, take over some duties, set me free, love me. because every time i had a judging thought, i would stop myself and find the good, the beautiful, the divine in another person.
in the tzolkin calender i follow we are in the midst of the red dragon wavespell...for 13 days (the wave) we travel through this energy looking at different aspects. Dragon is rebirth, renewal, being, and it has been a very uncomfortable time for me. the only thing that has gotten me through it is remembering that this is a time of shifting, of upgrading vibrations of living, of loving, of shedding my old skin. Today was red overtone snake....for the past 5 days I've been itching and scratching and loosening my old dead skin and today I've started to make the move out of it. it is a slow process which is uncomfortable, my skin is tender and vulnerable, so that even the slightest breeze can be a shock. So I'm sitting with it, and giving myself permission to sit with it. stay with the feeling and feel THROUGH the pain. knowing that if i look at it, its not REALLY that big...in fact it gets smaller....as long as i look at it and release any mental chatter that tries to come up. just focusing and totally enveloping myself in the feeling.
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