moving on

Since I've been back at mom's I've gotten bunches of questions over and over: When are you leaving? where are you going? what are you doing? I know i'm getting the questions because everybody cares about me and want to know that i'm doing alright. And i'm happy to find myself (most of the time) grateful that they're taking the time to ask.

Since i've been back I haven't done a whole lot physically...it doesn't 'look' like i've done a lot. I've started to sort through and get rid of the extraneous things that i left piled at my mom's house. That in itself is a lot of work. I've been visiting friends, and i've been doing readings. Today I woke up feeling not so hot, kinda sicky, so I did a whole lotta nothing. I gave a reading which gave me and my client some answers (maybe more for me than for him..i dunno). It was a fairly quick reading, but he got all of the information that he needed, i gave him a quick healing and then i let it go. I noticed that I started feeling guilty (judging myself) that the reading wasn't longer, that i didn't do a longer healing. just judging myself....but when I looked at him, I saw that he got what he needed. But I wasn't finished with me. I needed more healing. So I spent the next 20 minutes healing myself. I turned off the computer, I stopped trying to do anything productive and I just allowed myself to be. I got cuddles and love from the puppy, and I got asked to join friends on a trip next week. all once i started to let go and just give to myself.

At one point my brother stopped by to drop something off and being my brother, he stirred my self judgment by asking 'so what exactly do you do all day?" At first I felt the need to defend myself, and then i decided to let it go and just be where I am today.

This self judgment is falling away, at each moment I feel it I bless it. "I love you, I forgive you, I bless you, I release you". I notice this self judgment is rampant it pops up everywhere and with everybody. My life isn't going to look like anyone else's because HELLLLLOOOOOO!!!! its MINE! since when is ANYTHING of mine normal?....not very often. My vibration is unique the way I do things is unique....so WHY have I been trying to create my life fitting into OTHER PEOPLE'S boxes? those boxes and ideas worked for them, but the work hard earn little money equation doesn't work for me, it wears out my body and i feel depleted. and i"m finding now that PART of the depletion was carrying around the guilt and responsibility and self judgment for those times i have done something different.

Its funny I should feel this way because when it comes to my art....my art is my own, and i can be very creative and differnt with it, and its ok...its an adventure. It wasn't until i took a sojourn northward that I began to realize.....everything is art, every little part of life is an art. And my art doesn't look like anyone else's and it shouldn't! its ART! you'd think this is something i would have grasped a long time ago being trained in the arts and whatnot.....AND even in art school they tell you that things are and have to be a certain way...."in order to be successful you have to do A, B and C"  and i know they teach this because it was done in the past and well...it does work to a degree.

when i look at it from energy dynamics it only works if that's where you heart is, where you focus is. I took one look at the artworld and decided I was not interested and playing that game. Now....i don't know...i don't know a lot. i just shook up everything i knew and i'm in the process of picking out the pieces of what i want to keep. The things that i've decided i like and express a different creative aspect of me (my writing) this blog and my other blog/page on facebook....have started they've taken off somewhat. But there's still that tendency that i have within myself to judge. this judgement comes from scarcity, a place within myself that feels like it is less than, that there is not enough. But that is not true. there is plenty, there is more than enough for everyone, even if we are all doing the same thing, there doesn't have to be competition, we will all earn enough of what we need.

So right now when asked what i'm doing with my life....as far as the future I don't know. As far as the present...i'm purging, I'm tearing down emotional, personality structures that no longer serve my path. this doesn't look like much on the outside. to the physical world i've been doing a lot of sleeping. taking bike rides, giving readings and healings, reading books. writing on the computer, interspersed with visiting friends. and a lot more. I'm doing what I feel I need to be doing right now, following the guidance that I have been given. and i'm following it to the best of my ability, and when I slip up, i don't punish myself and don't judge myself...i just keep on going. And there IS progress...where i used to get stuck in a mindset for weeks or months at a time, it may only last a day...if that. most of the time less than an hour, minutes even. that is plenty of progress for me. I'm really tired of sitting in my self judgement, i'm done with this game, time to move on.

=D

letting go some MOAR!

Continuing on the theme of letting go. At each moment I am given the choice to either react, hide and stuff my thoughts/feelings down, or to surrender and let go. And when I let go...and this is truly letting go and not stuffing it down....and find my love for the person/situation. The whole energy shifts, the other person all of a sudden softens. Today is the beginning of the influx of family haha... and one of the things I noticed that is rampant on my mother's side of the family is a hard edge to the joking. This is where I get it from. Its joking...but underneath it is a desire to point out, pick on, or exploit a perceived weakness in the other person, based on a judgement that person (or I) have. And all of this is done on an unconscious level. its just the way we react and respond to each other. 'Hi how're you? doing that weird stuff again?' There's this universal uncomfortableness with being soft, welcoming and loving, always on guard for the jab that will come...

And I noticed it today...as if for the first time...and instead of jabbing back, or putting up walls of defense and hiding back inside myself. I let the comments go, and responded with the intense love and care I have. And the whole demeanor and conversation changed. If i don't respond to the barbs they have no way to continue the charade....(because there is a pattern here. there is a series of events that happens. there's a specific WAY that this game is played) and today....i didn't feel like playing, and instead of reacting with hurt or my own jabs (which is what has been the most well played role), or shutting down on the inside (which has been my role in recent years since exploring spirituality and energy work)....I opened up to my truth and source and I found love, a deep well of firey love. Love for myself and love for this person that is my family. Love for where I see myself in them, Love for the shared personality ticks (that i sometimes just think is me).

From a spiritual and energy work perspective, your family is the most challenging and rewarding aspects of having this life, of being here. From this group is where you receive all of the pieces to start with. As you grow and move outwards you gain more pieces and understanding. But always there is the core of pieces.


I just realized lately that I have been feeling guilty and hiding all of my life. My families way of talking about the obvious makes me hide even more. We have certain judgments of character, of what is needed to survive, what is practical, when someone is a failure. I am ready to let this go. all of it that i can see right now.

i KNOW there will be more later, and some peeking under the surface now that is intense and hard to see and sort out and let go, but there's a clutter on the surface that I am ready to release, completely and fully. And I do that by loving myself, I love myself so much that I am devoted to my discipline, discipline to give myself what I need. Responding and reacting to people the way I want to be responded to and reacted to. Loving the good parts of everybody and taking the emphasis off of the bad.....releasing judgments i have.....even that statement is a judgment. Who am I to assume what is good or bad for a person. Something that I perceive as bad, can actually be good for the other person. It may not be right for me. and that is ok, but I don't need to reflect my judgment onto other people. especially family. because they are so much like me, i am even MORE prone to judgement. And my friends who are into energy work and spirituality...yeah....there's more judgment there, and that judgement is really the reflection in myself. the unwillingness i have in myself to recognize when its time for me to drop something and move on, go in a different direction, let go. I love you, I forgive you, I bless you, I release you
I love me, I forgive me, I bless me, I release me
and to take that even further....saying it ^ this way implies that there are more than one in me....I am one.
I AM
I love, I forgive, I bless, I release
I am loved, I am forgiven, I am blessed, I am released
I am freedom, i am free

this....creates space.....i am here and I am allowed to be where i am. The judgement of myself comes from expectations. I "should" be doing this or that. but I am here now....and what I do in each moment adds up and creates my reality. If I keep stressing out about not having time or energy or motivation to do what i 'should' be doing. the universe is going to keep that stress going. because that is where my intention and thoughts are at.

Today I decided that I am not going to create anything that i don't want to do. I am going with the flow and creating with whatever I see, however I see fit to do so. I am letting go of the mental closet full of projects to be completed, or potential projects to be completed.....

This can be a problem with being a creative person...there are so many seemingly simple objects that can be turned into something great. I have BINS full of materials and supplies, only some of which I've actually used and will continue to do so. I made a decision to let go of some equipment and supplies that I told myself I need....that 'one day' i will have a use for.....and right after I let go of the emotional/mental burden of holding onto the stuff. I immediately received ideas for things I practically need/can use them for...right now. for years I collected 'shiny' things. And I am done, new and awesomer things/experiences can't come in unless I make room for it....and my next shift needs A LOT of room....so I got some more physical purging to do and I'm excited for it....as well as recieving all the energy for the creations bubbling up. letting go of the 'need' to make stuff to make money. (because that is what always stops me and makes things harder to make [energetically] than they actually are)

so yeah.....kind of a mixed up mental dump looking at all the ways I can let go. and receive in the process. the sense of love is growing and becoming...more...I shine my light and give you permission to shine yours.

Letting go

Letting go. I know this has been a constant mantra but its one I need to hear, because I feel compelled to say it over and over again. And one of the things i'm letting go of is self judgment. The council I give, the people I read...the readings I give, the words that I feel compelled to say when I've been in a centered space. Is all and constantly around the theme of letting go. And It continues to come up because i need to continue to hear it.

My brother is getting married in a week. And it is awesome, I am so happy for him. And what accompanies the wedding, is all the family coming in (starting tomorrow). I am excited and I look forward to seeing my aunt and uncles, my father, my grandparents, my cousins. But there's also that unique quality within families that make it hard sometimes to stay with new changes. Most of them have known me my whole life, but haven't really spent much time with me, so they look at me through old filters. There is the part of me that just wants to make it easier and fall back into those old thought patterns, the way everyone expects me to behave. But one thing a family does do is help to develop discipline in my chosen path, now is the time where I stay the course, keep going in the direction I have chosen. That may or may not be leading me farther away, but at the same time closer to family bonds.

As a spirit we make agreements. One of those many agreements is one to be a healer, to follow the family rule, family path. Well....i'm at a time in my life where i no longer want to honor those spiritual agreements. Some of those ways just don't work for me. luckily within my family agreement there is also permission to explore and be myself. I am still embraced even if I don't understand.

And on the eve of seeing many of my family again for a week long extravaganza i'm hesitant to jump back in...afraid to lose my hard won sense of self and wholeness. But I also realize that it is this very feeling of being whole and one that will take me to a different place around my family. I am no longer the one who strives for attention 'look at me!'. I don't need to be validated constantly for my presence.


As I'm thinking about this, thoughts and feelings of trying to plan/coordinate/control, old emotions and feelings of the particular family members...I'm allowing it to all release, continually. My goal is to be in present time, to be present in the moment. And to do that requires not only giving myself the freedom, but giving everybody else freedom as well. to change their identity, to be someone else. to update their selves. I know that as I give them freedom to be them. I am afforded the same opportunity....of course. I am me...i cannot be anyone else.....space....THAT is freedom =)

freedom =)

My reading space today was AHHHHHMAAAZZZINNNNGGGG. I went to bed last night with a clear intention to do reading and healing work today...and I did. It didn't look like much on the surface. I met up with a good friend i haven't seen in a while. And through conversation with his amazingness (combined with a reading i did later on in the day) I've started to remember some truths and mechanics, And i've given myself to let go and play. just be.

I've come to the realization today that THIS is ALLLLL a game. we are here to play! sometimes we're make-believing we're the 'bad guys' sometimes we're make believing we're 'down in the dumps' and sometimes we're make believing we're winning everything. And this is all life, this is all ok, none of this is 'bad' this is just roles people play and we can either choose to react, or to let it go, and to continue to play our own game. Other's people's reality only affect yours so long as you let them. And THAT is an amazing thing. that is showing how much power you have with thought. that just by believing someone else's rules and games, your reality starts to reflect, those rules and games. you even forget its a game and react as if its your whole world and there is no more of you outside of that other person's rules.

But you know what....You can STOP PLAYING. at any time. that is in your power. and it doesn't mean you die. it just means you stop pandering to other people's beleifs and rules, you start to live your life FOR YOURSELF. When you start playing a game...it attracts other people, and before you know it you have a bunch of playmates that want to add to your reality. So..you have some choices as to the reality you get to pick. I for one choose a journey that is for myself but also while being selfish for me....the outflow of my actions are positive and healing for others. I do readings and healings because I also get a healing and answers. I give because it makes me feel good. I recieve openly because it makes me feel good...it in turn makes the reciever and giver feel good that they've contributed to my reality. (or got something).

I am out of the hard place of being tossed and turned within the waves and have found my strong steady ground. As i'm preparing myself for what's to come by releasing more and more to continually bring my vibration higher. Love for myself and others is overwhelming and spreading, deep truths are released and information is released even in the hard times. The more I give joyously the more I receive tenfold. I am become joy, peace, and freedom. And it is whatever form it takes in whatever mood I am, wherever i am. I just AM. And that is freedom. <3

...now doesn't that make you just want to jump back in and play some more?...keep this in mind during the darker times. you are loved, you are love. you are continually with a group of friends, playing this game over and over again where you each take turn playing different roles. remember so that when you get sucked in to that pinpoint of a reality, and start reacting to things around you....that this is all part of the game, so choose to react or choose to let it go and create a different reality. Either way is a choice, and either way is monumental.