Own it! post #3

this was going to be post number 2....until i realized google blessed blogger saved my mishap i thought i had lost it! huzzah! so this is number three!
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I told myself I was going to write this morning. So after mosying around, distracting myself through facebook and emails….i finally did it. I have many excuses not to, for one I’m being hit pretty hard in the crampy flow department, my head hurts, there are adorable kitties racing around me, there’s a soft comfy bed I can curl up in for an hour before I have to go to work for the day. But I started something.

Monday I started the ‘own it’ challenge. Where I am owning myself. Owning what I feel, and taking complete responsibility for myself. Basically growing up. This past year and a half have been for me a refining of the details before taking complete action in the process of growing up. A year and a half before that I cut the cord of my social bubble by dropping everything and exploring north of here. Oregon and then Washington. That was the beginning of my growing up. I didn’t realize it at the time…I had THOUGHT I was grown up….I mean I was 28. But I was still living with my mother, I had just lost my job a few months prior, I have had debt up the yinyang since I was old enough to get a credit card.

I mean sure, I have grown A LOT since the person I was fresh out of highschool. I started my spiritual journey at the Berkeley Psychic Institute. Found out a but-load about myself, but I still hadn’t really taken hold of the reins of my life. I’m a sensitive, I’m ALSO explorative and creative…and because of this I have many friends in many different interests, and I LOVE ALL of my friends and I truly love spending time with them and celebrating and exploring the many activities they are all involved in….but with all the friends and other activities I was involved in…and then add in having a job. I found myself drifting from one thing to the next. Sorta taking care of myself and keeping a precarious balance in it all through meditation and healing classes.

So this is my story of the last 5/6 years. At the age of 25 (or before) or afterwards, I don’t keep accurate time lines. I was in my last year of college, earning my bachelor of fine arts with a focus on printmaking and painting. I started at San Jose State three ish years prior after having completed the clairvoyant training program at BPI (Berkeley psychic institute). SO the direction of my art was greatly influenced by this newly opened spiritual path. My art, IS my spirit, is my spiritual journey. The last year of college was when I took a class on spiritual art and the uses. I was introduced to the labyrinth more fully in that class and THAT became my focus.

 A labyrinth is a path that you follow, it’s not like a maze that’s designed to get you lost. It’s one path. One path in…the same path out. It twists and turns as you follow this from the outside to the center. Here is where you leave the mundane world and enter a liminal space where we can communicate with our higher selves, with spirit, with….whatever….it opens the doorways. Later on I found that actually a labyrinth is a portal. It is important to set the energy of what you want to experience before walking otherwise you’re going to have the experience of whatever was set before you. It is a personal path.

My artwork became my labyrinths. I started working in layers. And through the process of light washes, and layering I began to find more of myself and my ‘style’. I LOVED working in an environment where everyone was doing their own thing working on their own stuff. Being inspired by other artists’ work is the best thing about art college. And the best thing about working around other artists.

I really started to define my process. That year I also got an awesome job using my hands creating tiny masterpieces for mothers of newborn babies and small children. I was THE studio artist at BYBABY. I was overjoyed. I loved my bosses, I loved working with my hands. And I refined their product to make it better. It was in that job that I really began to realize that I am unique and I have a gift, I have an eye that not everyone has. I have the refinement in some areas that not everyone has. And I have a damn good work ethic. I noticed this when my bosses kept trying to make the process systemized so that anybody could do it. But bringing people in to help us out and training them made me realize that not everyone can do it. You have to have an eye for it.

Many things happened between the age of 25 and the age of 28, I stopped going to BPI, I started taking classes with a different meditation teacher where we worked as a group doing more advanced techniques.

The past 5/6 years have definitely been where I’ve started to re-define what a relationship looks like to me.

 I broke up with my boyfriend, but continued seeing him for a year or so afterwards. I dated my first black guy. And I don’t want to label him as just ‘a black guy’ because he is way more than that. But mainly for me he was different in almost all the things I had gone for in a guy before. Up until this point I had only dated nerds, computer geeks, there’s something about them that I have a lot in common with, they’re softer, less harsh to me than the jock, I could communicate with them because I could use the form of writing to connect, they’re also softer all around.  But with him. He was most definitely a jock. From my softball team. As usual with all the guys I date, I got impatient. I get charged and turned on and the damn guy is still sitting there looking at his feet….WTF? So I made the first move when I was able to….. the first chance I got I jumped his bones. This was RIGHT after I got back from a weekend of high energy work and running my kundalini. And the energy was INTENSE….it was the best sex I’ve had ever. The only thing it was missing was the connection I was used to having with nerdy guys. This guy didn’t communicate as much. I couldn’t figure him out and because he was so different in my world, and I wasn’t getting any feedback (or the kind I was used to) I moved past it. I so so so don’t like to be in this weird limbo in between place where I don’t know. Where I’m not getting any activation from them, or reply or…..whatever. Not getting the reaction I desired coupled with the feeling of it being taboo (highlighted by my mother’s reaction to the relationship), and being in an uncomfortable middle space. I went back to the nerds. I started hanging out with one of my best friends again. He is a hardcore nerdy nerd boy.

I started hanging out with his group of friends. And then started friends with benefits with one of his friends. It was more than just friends with benefits because I genuinely cared for him and I believe him for me in the capacity he was able to. THAT relationship triggered a lot in me. It made me question the whole rule I carried up until that point (you have to be in a relationship to have sex). I’ve carried this rule that the only safe place to explore that space is in a committed relationship. When he had sex with another girl at a party I was at. I was deeply triggered and hurt. It confused him because we had talked about the nature of our relationship. But I wasn’t mad at him because of our conversations. Just hurt. I came over and talked to him about it, he was present, and allowed me to have my emotions. And I didn’t force any of that upon him. They were mine. It was deeply freeing. Just having my emotions observed. Not being made bad for having them is huge.

Going over my earlier years I realized that I have been super aware of not expressing the extent of my emotions. If I’m angry or hurt it always somehow had to be someone else’s “fault”. And that in turn made me feel guilty and I shut it down.

This is the point where I finally started giving myself permission to FEEL these emotions.

I started working out during this time with my friend/personal trainer. So much ANGER started coming out. This was at the same time I started to realize my ability as a teacher as I guided him in accessing his spiritual information, guided him in healing himself. My relationship with him has been nothing but support and growth for me. He’s my first friendship/relationship with a deeply purposeful and aware man. It’s such a different experience that it took me years to get truly comfortable around him. Because of the parts of myself I wasn’t ready to look at.

All of these relationship experiences and growth led to when I was 28, my job dissolved, I helped carry them to their completion in the bay and transfer the company to a wonderful woman in sacramento, who bought their website and process. At the end of june/july of that year I found myself jobless. I worked for a couple of weeks at the alameda county fair.

Then my friend planned a trip to Harbin. Harbin Hot Springs, a clothing optional hot springs on a chunk of land near Calistoga…it is beautiful there. I was hesitant at first about the clothing optional. I went anyways. And once there even though I was uncomfortable I went for it and quickly became comfortable. Because it was the norm, it wasn’t weird. Everybody Is out in their birthday suits. It was the start for me in becoming comfortable in my own skin.

It was such a high energy relaxing healing day for me. That was a Tuesday. By the following Saturday I packed my things and made my way north. The plan was to drive into Oregon. Stopping and camping at castle lake in mt. Shasta for a few days with some friends. That was my first of many visits to the magical castle lake, every time there has been a transformative magical experience, especially those random happenstances with strangers. After that I went into Oregon staying at a friend’s place….and I had no plan…I just went from one friend’s place to the next, using them as a sort of focus point.i worked for a week In Portland when I needed money. Then friends of my dad’s opened up their home to me in Bellingham Washington, I went up there, ended up staying with them for 3 months, I am so grateful for them. To me complete strangers at first, now an addition to my family. I learned so much about my dad.

The whole experience of letting go and trusting the universe was unsettling at first but also so freeing. I just jumped, and I always seemed to land.  People would let me rest, catch me, push me off. It was so loving, it’s where I started cultivating more my sense of worth.

From there I ended up at the Grunewald Guild in Leavenworth, WA. Nestled in the cascade mountains, I was there for a very snowy winter. I stay with them for almost 6 months. I volunteered my time for room and board, use of the art studios. It was there I began to really unravel myself. I had the space to just let go. I realized where I had built defenses up towards other people, and in turn hurt a good deal of people the way I imagined they would hurt me. I realized soooo much of myself during this time in my life.

I came back for my friend’s wedding and my brother’s wedding. Didn’t plan on staying at all. And then I started hanging out with my best friend again. And shortly began dating him. He’s the only reason I stayed. And now I realize it’s because I have more work to do here before leaving again. Joe has been a game changer in my relationship space. His loving presence and ability to just listen and be and total un-judgement has worn away the rest of the defenses I didn’t realize I had. I can completely relax around him, and I can talk to him about anything. And he is so supportive, outside of my parents he has given me so much financial support….with nothing attached, even my parents had something attached, but from him, it was just because he wanted to give to me. He helped show me to claim my worth.

Coming back into the tangled mess of connections and emotions I had left behind hit me hard. By the end of December I was kinda lost, had a low sense of self. And a low sense of worth. Even though I knew I had good to share. Starting in February/march while I was still at the guild I started giving aura readings and healings, giving spiritual counseling as an income to support my livelihood. It was a step into being seen.

Being overwhelmed by emotions, I lost that sense of worth and that sense that I could help people. That was when I was guided to my teacher. I worked with him from January until june. He pushed all my buttons, triggered whatever he could get me to show him. It was rough, I cried …….sooooo much. There was just so…. Much….pain…..deep down inside surrounding everything. And then he built me up…or rather pushed me to build myself up. That’s when I started spreading out grasping what was being brought out to me, and I met Naima with gods in plain clothes. I knew I had to be a part of it but I was also scared. But I put myself in the position without any knowledge or what to do. Then I had to let it go, because there was a point where I could handle just so much emotionally.

Near the end of last year I realized I had gained much weight and I had to make a change. In December I started a friend’s eating plan. I lost all the weight I had gained, and that brings me to where I am today. As I dig deeper into the pain allow it to come to light and as I relax around that pain. I have actually lost more weight. At the end of February I realized I needed to ground my food knowingness in me instead of following a plan from outside of me. Because I realize that until it comes from within, it will not be sustainable. This is still my journey of finding food that energizes and cleans my body and supports me in my growth. I continue to let go of body ideals of what my body ‘should’ look like and relax into who I am in the moment….yeah, I’m skinnier. No I don’t really want to have a super ripped body. I’m really enjoying my softness and my curves.

My other focus has been on growing up. Owning myself, owning my actions/emotions/words/finances/schedule, etc. This week has been growth after growth. And I’m going to keep on going. =)