Around my house, there is plenty to do. I live with four guys, three of whom are single, and they all pretty much live the bachelor life. I am....admittedly a compulsive cleaner. These guys give me endless opportunities to exercise this compulsion. Just the other day I was thinking. Wow, these guys are really lucky because they have me here to clean up after them, so they don’t really have to take responsibility for their messes. And then i go.....woah.....MY child is really lucky because they provide an endless distraction for me taking responsibility for myself. I spend all my time taking care of and cleaning up after the public spaces. One of which i use as a general art/office space for myself. And then i have no free time to really care for the pieces I need to get through the day. I spend 20 minutes cleaning in the morning when i could be meditating and setting the energy for my day. By taking the responsibility away from them, I am doing them AND myself a disfavor. I’m expert at cleaning after myself in some areas, but what about that pile in the garage? What about those unfinished projects I have laying about? WHat about the general disarray of my financial budgeting, my schedule, my art, my writing, my time for me? All of that disappears in the face of the distractions in front of me.
I spent almost two weeks in my friend’s apartment while they were on vacation. They have more stuff than they have space for, and yeah, they’re a little messy....as are we all, myself including, Little piles everywhere, That in the past i would have taken upon myself to organize and clean. There’s this internal voice that assumes they will appreciate it. But really i’m just fucking with somebody else’s stuff, getting out of my own business and enforcing my desires upon them. And i’m actually proud of myself, aside from having little to no extra energy to clean this past two weeks, i for the most part left their messes alone. Because there’s one thing I started to realize....yeah their home is a little messy....but they are living life and taking care of their needs, wants, and desires. So in the long run who cares about a little mess? And it’s not MY messes that bother me so much as other people’s messes....so why can’t i back up and just let it be?
I could say i learned from my mother this behavior, and actually all the females on my mothers’ side, my aunt, my grandmother, probably my great grandmother as well but i don’t remember her that much.....there is a legacy where as a woman, we give up what we want to do to keep a clean house. We get so entrenched in the every day mess that we FORGET what it is that we want and desire. I remember growing up my mom would take it so personal that we as kids didn’t clean up after ourselves, and i didn’t understand why. I appropriated the feeling of guilt for making her feel that way. but in reality no one can make anyone feel something. That’s on you. Only you can decide how you are going to feel and how you are going to react to a given situation. Admittedly it is hard when you are entrenched in programming, and an environment that supports said programming to wake up and go.....wait a minute....these aren’t my wants and desires, THIS isn’t my passion.....my passion and my desires are over in the corner gathering dust why i care for the day to day messes of those around me. I’ll come over and dust and organize my passion and make it look neat and tidy without actually activating it and USING it. My soul will continue to yearn and point out things that will activate my desire and passion and I will buy them to add to my pile, my pile of ideas, projects...that just sit there gathering dust. Not to mention I deplete the funds I could be using to free myself of debt, to add to this pile, that grows.......it grows so much that i feel the need to go through it sort and discard the projects that have been sitting in the bottom of the pile for as long as I can remember.
I desire to live a life that is happy. And my happiness does not depend on outside circumstances. my happiness depends on me and how i choose to spend my time. It is an effort of sorts. It means I have to say no to other’s desires and wants. It means that instead of going out to some show or concert or even to dinner, i honor the voice inside me that yearns to create, that is bursting at the seams to play with color and line and paint and fabric and whatever else i can get my hands on. THis creative force inside me is growing and it must be activated and actuated. It is time. That’s what my body has been telling me, ‘let go of all you do for others so you can do for yourself’. All those around me are completely capable of picking up the reins for themselves, and if they don’t ....that’s their choice, that’s their path, it’s also none of my business.
I was reminded last night of the simplicity and purity of getting back to the basics. I’ve been exploring more advanced energy practices and tools....meanwhile i forgot the basics. Ground, be amused, run your energy, look at your own tools.
I’m starting this being happy right now, i’m making this choice, i’m also making the choice to honor my desires and passions, because life is so bland without them.
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