OMG!!!!.....I thought i LOST THIS!!!!....and HERE it IS!!!!! I am no longer in the flow that i was in when i started to write this....but here it IS!!!! BAM!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The assignment I have been given was to go over my life story in 5 year increments. But then today happened and this growth spurt seems much more relevant to be discussed than my story. Though i'm positive that the act of rifling through my early life, events, pain, people stirred up the events and reactions of today.
I have been on a journey. My journey still continues, I am transforming and becoming more and more fully myself, a reflection of my true self, the powerful soul...instead of the programmed reactions and responses that my genetic line, family, and society would have me be.
This is the story of my SOUL. Incarnating into these specific conditions to free myself of karmic ties and obligations so that i can continue going deeper.
On the other side of that I am evolving my human body self. I have spent lifetimes as warriors, goddesses and priestesses, beggars, thieves and murderers, healers and martyrs. these are all roles my sole has taken and at times I FEEL ALL OF THESE. I carry the guilt of doing other people harm, even though i realize it has been part of my path as a soul to awakening to who I am.
This lifetime I find myself in a fully sensitive, capable body, capable of fully actualizing my highest physical potential with all the tools and assistance needed right at my fingertips....and yet.....I am rifled with indecision, with hurt and pain that i have no logical reason to feel from this lifetime.
I remember being aware very early on. I actually remember thinking at the age of 3 or 4 that I never wanted to live by myself because it was scary and I didn't know how to take care of myself...and yet I did. but there was a part of me that was very adult in the realization that i would know when the time came. and yet i was still scared.
And here I am 31 years later. Coming out of the final dredges of childhood. This is not to say that I will ever stop being playful, fun and carefree, nor does this say that I will 'act mature'....I am a huge fan of play. play is growth, play is learning, and play is what makes this all worth it. But what this is saying that in letting go of safety blanket of childhood, I get to stand in my power, and wield it, i get to more deeply explore my body, my sexuality, and my energy In my body. I am sensitive and can feel my energy, but only a few times have i felt my energy supercharged revved up and i felt like my whole body was alive in this river of energy. and even that scared me. It was sooooo coool and yet it scared me......why should something so amazing, that feels so good.....scare me.
Maybe because I have been taught to question what feels good. From a young age sex was taboo (it was never directly said, but being the first child of my parents...neither of them wanted me to grow up...and that meant denial of my sexual nature, because that's what they had been taught from our culture and puritanical foundings.) Any THING that was good, candy, sugar, toys, video games....everything has to be carefully monitored otherwise an overdose was due to happen, which is partially genetic, partially learned behavior, and honestly also a soul thing, when something is good, it's yummy and good and i want to role in the sensation and feeling and pull it along and explore the depth of it until i lose myself. And i lose myself....but you know what I find myself again......somewhere along the line I learned that it was not ok to lose oneself. It definitely was not ok to lose yourself in drugs and alcohol. Growing up with parents who had the occasional party or more, who frequently turned to drugs and alcohol for a release, i grew to really mistrust the energy of those things because i didn't like who my parents became while participating in them. They became younger, and then somehow I found myself in the responsible role. and GAWD-DAMMIT I'M THE KID! YOU'RE THE ADULT!......*tantrum* even though I may be an older soul, coming in with a higher amount of awareness (which...btw, every generation has been coming in with a higher sense of awareness and connectedness to our soul information....so you guys with young'ns think on THAT!) I still wanted to be the child. I wanted to kick and scream and thrown my goddamn tantrum.
Which brings me back to today. I put an intention and focus into my body and into the universe that has more than reflected back to me. I desire female community, females who support each other, don't play games, feed each other/ push each other to be greater, call each other on our shit. I desire to be around grown ass people and have grown ass men, and have grown ass experiences. ..........and to do allll of THAT...................IIIIIIII have to grow the fuck up.
I started years ago by learning a spiritual practice which increases my spiritual knowledge and also helps me reach out and guide people (which i am a natural at). I started more recently by letting go of my childhood digs, sold most my things and traveled. met some awesome people, did self exploration. CAME BACK.....just to delve deeper into the inner child and inner desires i had been ignoring. I got pushed and prodded working with a teacher, got overwhelmed, shut down and tried to stop feeling....only to finally have enough of trying to ignore it and took control of my body again.
SO...I took control of my body. I lost 35 pounds....today I am at my goal weight of 165, down from ~210 three months ago. Now, my focus in life has been coming into play, what do I want to be doing? what does my daily life look like? How do i spend my resources and am i choosing wisely for what my goals are? what ARE my goals?
I have been IGNORING the financial aspect of growing up for years. Everybody has always said, just make a budget and follow it it's easy....but just sitting down to look at it flutterpates my brain and my inner child comes out kicking and screaming."I DON"T WANT TO!" And that's what I sat down to do today with my partner. sit down to figure out a budget and schedule and get our lives more in line with what we want to be bringing into it. I got a basis set. but my inner child was whining and crying and making a big fuss! my partner said he knows part of it is because of frustration and part of it was because i think it's funny....but the truth is....that was me honestly and truly showing the frustrated inner child. I laugh because i know it's rediculous, but i also can't stop it. I cant shut it down. I no longer WANT to shut it down.
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