Transformation through a journey

I woke up yesterday with a head cold and it has gotten progressively more intense. But i don’t say this to get anyone to take care of me or feel bad for me. Because this ‘sick’ feels different then the usual. I am recognizing this sickness as my body clearing all the stuck energy that i have been actively spiritually working for months.

I have a sense of clarity about things and a closer connection to that calm still voice that holds my truth within. so even though conventional wisdom says rest (which i am). there’s a part of me that is yearning to grab hold of the nuggets as they present themselves.

My voice has dissapeared from facebook for some time. i’ve also backed down with quality communication in my every day life. I”m starting to yearn to begin my writing again. That daily affirmation that I have a voice and those nuggets of wisdom that only reveal themselves while working through them in conversation and writing.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty intense. For those who don’t know I started following a natural time calendar a couple of years ago. Last year i completely fell away from it. not surprising because it was yellow seed year, the challenge energy to my birth sign white wizard. If you’d like to find out more about it there are tons of resources at lawoftime.org, and resonanttruth.com. i am not writing this to explain the nuances of a fairly complex system when others have done it better. I am writing this because when i follow the natural time. a 13 moon (month) cycle, based on the tzolken calendar. It gives meaning and magic to my life. It helps me identify and unveil more of myself. following the moon calendar versus the gregorian calendar we all have culturally adopted just feels so much more RIGHT to my body.

And that’s what i’ve been honing into, what feels right for my body. As many of you may have noticed i’ve been on a fitness and eating well journey since december of last year. and that journey continues to deepen as i also access the spiritual and emotional aspects of myself. I started a yoga practice that involves a lot of tapping. mostly focused on the abdomen. but also on the energy channels of the body, and the 3 weeks i have been going i have noticed a considerable difference in how i notice and connect to my body.

I’ve always been a spiritual person. as a child i was mostly out of body. always in a dream realm because i didn’t feel like it was safe to fully inhabit my body. I don’t remember a lot of my childhood because i just wasn’t there. I do remember the sensation of flying. i did this a lot with my astral body.  i remember choice encounters with friends and loved ones. I remember the joy and adventure as well as my connection with nature when my dad would take us for hikes.

Nature, mostly mountains, trees, mountain lakes and streams have always felt like home for me. I love fresh bodies of water, i am part fish =).

my spiritual journey began as i began inserting a wedge of my consciousness into my body through my crown. through my years at Berkeley Psychic Institute i learned how to hone my intuitive ability. i was given tools to deal with the challenges and the fears. but still with that the physical body fears would shut me down. my practice consisted of being really good while i was there. but really hard to create in my own home.

Through the years and various practices i brought that wedge of consciousness down further into my body. But it would always be shut down and shut off when the body reacted with fear. that’s when i would step back and start to disentangle those threads of programming and healing agreements to the web of beings i’ve been attached to for eons. And this is where i’ll probably lose a bunch of you. I recognize i have an eclectic group of friends from many different energy tones and walks of life. because i can relate on some level to many of them. but i don’t always blatantly talk about my spiritual knowings around the critical. because of my fear of being shut down and ostracized. Because i lack the communication to explain it to them in terms they understand. or it’s just not information that they are ready for. People have all kinds of ways of reacting.

Through the years i have been supported and helped tremendously, sometimes by strangers that barely know me. That is something i’ll ever be grateful for. all the people who stepped out and lended me a hand. Those who recognize my potential and spur me forward. I still sit with myself and look at my physical life and feel like i haven’t done much. I’m an artist with 20 unfinished projects. Most of the work i have finished i haven’t been doing anything with. SOme teachers and friends and loved ones often see me from the outside and get frustrated at me. they see so much potential and yet their eyes i am doing nothing. or doing little.

A recent string of events that I believe prompted the release in my body that is this sickness made me realize that i have been up until this point, been creating through others. i put it outside of myself and hope this one person brings it forward. A very dear friend offered to hang my paintings in his gym. they have been there for a couple of years. and nothing has sold or moved. and i know that’s because of the energy in my body that has been holding me in patterns of fear. I recently started integrating and opening up my shadow, to pandora’s box, where i hide both the ‘bad’ and the really ‘good’ about me. THere are things i’m afraid of.

I”m afraid of standing up and being a teacher and a leader. although that is what i naturally am and already do in many life circumstances. I’m afraid of telling someone something that they are going to take as the word of god and it destroys their life to peices. I am afraid of being ostracized and singled out. Although i have lived most of my life feeling as a loner and an outsider. i ALWAYS feel akward at initial greetings with new and old friends.

ALL of this I see as symptoms of not standing in my own power and awareness and truth. Instead of reaching in ihave been reaching outside of me to fulfill. With the practices i have started to adopt. Eating differently, exercising. meditating EVERY DAY. this Dahn Yoga practice. seeking out experiences to face and recover my shadow. my art has started to flow again, my sacred portal to the unseen world inside of me. no wonder it was blocked if i wasn’t able to face the pain.

In the past two years, which i now recognize as the wedge push into my 3rd,  2nd and first chakras, the most physical chakras of the body, personal power, emotional/sexual tribe energy, survival.  I have felt worthless and unworthy, i have felt loss. i have cried soooooooooo much. i have release so much of the heaviness that was sitting in my physical and emotional body. i have had extreme moments of joy, clarity and connectedness with another being. i have been throwing myself constantly out of my comfort zone energetically. casting my line for the next tidbit to guide me to my next stage. ....and then here i sit today. sick. sick but releasing, sick but reclaiming my power. Noticing more and more when others try to create through me. and the awareness that hit me today that i’ve been trying to create through others. ESPECIALLY my mom. Last week my mom got sick and has been sick for a week she didn’t have any energy to plan the party I was going to host at her house. I was relying on her to do it. and the only way i was going to get the message was that if my mom didn’t do it. With her programming there was almost no way she was not going to do it for me except that she got physically sick and couldn’t.

I am afraid to ask for things for myself, I am afraid to burden my friends with my desires, and new ideas, because that’s what i view them as.....burdens to others. i don’t share my cooking because i don’t think i’m a good cook. i long to nurture and connect with people but that’s really hard to do when i feel that those parts of me won’t be recieved well so instead i put on a hard shell . There are probably fears in sharing my art, but at least with that i KNOW it’s amazing. my art pulses with my spiritual intent and journey. maybe even there is a knowing that it’ll explode once i genuinely put it forward in my own name and power and there’s something in me that says it’s not ready for it yet. i’m 31, i don’t feel old but i also notice the lives being created around me. the families and the connections being created and i just don’t feel that desire. there’s something else that’s burning for me to address first. once that is addressed then and only then will the family and home pieces fall into place. one has to be at home within themselves in order to be at home in the world.

And yet again the message is that it isn’t outside of me, the direction and the desires are inward. I”m starting to feel them now. I desire to create community and really connect. I desire to teach medtation, i desire to just create. art, crafts...whatever. i desire to really be seen.... and for that one has to step into the light so that can happen. i suppose this is the start of me stepping back into the light. change is here now. and i’m curious about what that will bring.

thanks for ‘listening’

much love and blessings to you

Rev. Crystal Erin Stader

Letting go and giving in. Owning iT challenge =)

Around my house, there is plenty to do. I live with four guys, three of whom are single, and they all pretty much live the bachelor life. I am....admittedly a compulsive cleaner. These guys give me endless opportunities to exercise this compulsion. Just the other day I was thinking. Wow, these guys are really lucky because they have me here to clean up after them, so they don’t really have to take responsibility for their messes. And then i go.....woah.....MY child is really lucky because they provide an endless distraction for me taking responsibility for myself. I spend all my time taking care of and cleaning up after the public spaces. One of which i use as a general art/office space for myself. And then i have no free time to really care for the pieces I need to get through the day. I spend 20 minutes cleaning in the morning when i could be meditating and setting the energy for my day. By taking the responsibility away from them, I am doing them AND myself a disfavor. I’m expert at cleaning after myself in some areas, but what about that pile in the garage? What about those unfinished projects I have laying about? WHat about the general disarray of my financial budgeting, my schedule, my art, my writing, my time for me? All of that disappears in the face of the distractions in front of me.

I spent almost two weeks in my friend’s apartment while they were on vacation. They have more stuff than they have space for, and yeah, they’re a little messy....as are we all, myself including, Little piles everywhere, That in the past i would have taken upon myself to organize and clean. There’s this internal voice that assumes they will appreciate it. But really i’m just fucking with somebody else’s stuff, getting out of my own business and enforcing my desires upon them. And i’m actually proud of myself, aside from having little to no extra energy to clean this past two weeks, i for the most part left their messes alone. Because there’s one thing I started to realize....yeah their home is a little messy....but they are living life and taking care of their needs, wants, and desires. So in the long run who cares about a little mess? And it’s not MY messes that bother me so much as other people’s messes....so why can’t i back up and just let it be?

I could say i learned from my mother this behavior, and actually all the females on my mothers’ side, my aunt, my grandmother, probably my great grandmother as well but i don’t remember her that much.....there is a legacy where as a woman, we give up what we want to do to keep a clean house. We get so entrenched in the every day mess that we FORGET what it is that we want and desire. I remember growing up my mom would take it so personal that we as kids didn’t clean up after ourselves, and i didn’t understand why. I appropriated the feeling of guilt for making her feel that way. but in reality no one can make anyone feel something. That’s on you. Only you can decide how you are going to feel and how you are going to react to a given situation. Admittedly it is hard when you are entrenched in programming, and an environment that supports said programming to wake up and go.....wait a minute....these aren’t my wants and desires, THIS isn’t my passion.....my passion and my desires are over in the corner gathering dust why i care for the day to day messes of those around me. I’ll come over and dust and organize my passion and make it look neat and tidy without actually activating it and USING it. My soul will continue to yearn and point out things that will activate my desire and passion and I will buy them to add to my pile, my pile of ideas, projects...that just sit there gathering dust. Not to mention I deplete the funds I could be using to free myself of debt, to add to this pile, that grows.......it grows so much that i feel the need to go through it sort and discard the projects that have been sitting in the bottom of the pile for as long as I can remember.

I desire to live a life that is happy. And my happiness does not depend on outside circumstances. my happiness depends on me and how i choose to spend my time. It is an effort of sorts. It means I have to say no to other’s desires and wants. It means that instead of going out to some show or concert or even to dinner, i honor the voice inside me that yearns to create, that is bursting at the seams to play with color and line and paint and fabric and whatever else i can get my hands on. THis creative force inside me is growing and it must be activated and actuated. It is time. That’s what my body has been telling me, ‘let go of all you do for others so you can do for yourself’. All those around me are completely capable of picking up the reins for themselves, and if they don’t ....that’s their choice, that’s their path, it’s also none of my business.

I was reminded last night of the simplicity and purity of getting back to the basics. I’ve been exploring more advanced energy practices and tools....meanwhile i forgot the basics. Ground, be amused, run your energy, look at your own tools.

I’m starting this being happy right now, i’m making this choice, i’m also making the choice to honor my desires and passions, because life is so bland without them.

Day #2 OWN IT challenge 4/15/14

OMG!!!!.....I thought i LOST THIS!!!!....and HERE it IS!!!!! I am no longer in the flow that i was in when i started to write this....but here it IS!!!! BAM!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The assignment I have been given was to go over my life story in 5 year increments. But then today happened and this growth spurt seems much more relevant to be discussed than my story. Though i'm positive that the act of rifling through my early life, events, pain, people stirred up the events and reactions of today.

I have been on a journey. My journey still continues, I am transforming and becoming more and more fully myself, a reflection of my true self, the powerful soul...instead of the programmed reactions and responses that my genetic line, family, and society would have me be.

This is the story of my SOUL. Incarnating into these specific conditions to free myself of karmic ties and obligations so that i can continue going deeper.

On the other side of that I am evolving my human body self. I have spent lifetimes as warriors, goddesses and priestesses, beggars, thieves and murderers, healers and martyrs. these are all roles my sole has taken and at times I FEEL ALL OF THESE. I carry the guilt of doing other people harm, even though i realize it has been part of my path as a soul to awakening to who I am.

This lifetime I find myself in a fully sensitive, capable body, capable of fully actualizing my highest physical potential with all the tools and assistance needed right at my fingertips....and yet.....I am rifled with indecision, with hurt and pain that i have no logical reason to feel from this lifetime.

I remember being aware very early on. I actually remember thinking at the age of 3 or 4 that I never wanted to live by myself because it was scary and I didn't know how to take care of myself...and yet I did. but there was a part of me that was very adult in the realization that i would know when the time came. and yet i was still scared.

And here I am 31 years later. Coming out of the final dredges of childhood. This is not to say that I will ever stop being playful, fun and carefree, nor does this say that I will 'act mature'....I am a huge fan of play. play is growth, play is learning, and play is what makes this all worth it. But what this is saying that in letting go of safety blanket of childhood, I get to stand in my power, and wield it, i get to more deeply explore my body, my sexuality, and my energy In my body. I am sensitive and can feel my energy, but only a few times have i felt my energy supercharged revved up and i felt like my whole body was alive in this river of energy. and even that scared me. It was sooooo coool and yet it scared me......why should something so amazing, that feels so good.....scare me.

Maybe because I have been taught to question what feels good. From a young age sex was taboo (it was never directly said, but being the first child of my parents...neither of them wanted me to grow up...and that meant denial of my sexual nature, because that's what they had been taught from our culture and puritanical foundings.) Any THING that was good, candy, sugar, toys, video games....everything has to be carefully monitored otherwise an overdose was due to happen, which is partially genetic, partially learned behavior, and honestly also a soul thing, when something is good, it's yummy and good and i want to role in the sensation and feeling and pull it along and explore the depth of it until i lose myself. And i lose myself....but you know what I find myself again......somewhere along the line I learned that it was not ok to lose oneself. It definitely was not ok to lose yourself in drugs and alcohol. Growing up with parents who had the occasional party or more, who frequently turned to drugs and alcohol for a release, i grew to really mistrust the energy of those things because i didn't like who my parents became while participating in them. They became younger, and then somehow I found myself in the responsible role. and GAWD-DAMMIT I'M THE KID! YOU'RE THE ADULT!......*tantrum* even though I may be an older soul, coming in with a higher amount of awareness (which...btw, every generation has been coming in with a higher sense of awareness and connectedness to our soul information....so you guys with young'ns think on THAT!) I still wanted to be the child. I wanted to kick and scream and thrown my goddamn tantrum.

Which brings me back to today. I put an intention and focus into my body and into the universe that has more than reflected back to me. I desire female community, females who support each other, don't play games, feed each other/ push each other to be greater, call each other on our shit. I desire to be around grown ass people and have grown ass men, and have grown ass experiences. ..........and to do allll of THAT...................IIIIIIII have to grow the fuck up.
I started years ago by learning a spiritual practice which increases my spiritual knowledge and also helps me reach out and guide people (which i am a natural at). I started more recently by letting go of my childhood digs, sold most my things and traveled. met some awesome people, did self exploration. CAME BACK.....just to delve deeper into the inner child and inner desires i had been ignoring. I got pushed and prodded working with a teacher, got overwhelmed, shut down and tried to stop feeling....only to finally have enough of trying to ignore it and took control of my body again.

SO...I took control of my body. I lost 35 pounds....today I am at my goal weight of 165, down from ~210 three months ago. Now, my focus in life has been coming into play, what do I want to be doing? what does my daily life look like? How do i spend my resources and am i choosing wisely for what my goals are? what ARE my goals?

I have been IGNORING the financial aspect of growing up for years. Everybody has always said, just make a budget and follow it it's easy....but just sitting down to look at it flutterpates my brain and my inner child  comes out kicking and screaming."I DON"T WANT TO!" And that's what I sat down to do today with my partner. sit down to figure out a budget and schedule and get our lives more in line with what we want to be bringing into it. I got a basis set. but my inner child was whining and crying and making a big fuss! my partner said he knows part of it is because of frustration and part of it was because i think it's funny....but the truth is....that was me honestly and truly showing the frustrated inner child. I laugh because i know it's rediculous, but i also can't stop it. I cant shut it down. I no longer WANT to shut it down.

Own it! post #3

this was going to be post number 2....until i realized google blessed blogger saved my mishap i thought i had lost it! huzzah! so this is number three!
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I told myself I was going to write this morning. So after mosying around, distracting myself through facebook and emails….i finally did it. I have many excuses not to, for one I’m being hit pretty hard in the crampy flow department, my head hurts, there are adorable kitties racing around me, there’s a soft comfy bed I can curl up in for an hour before I have to go to work for the day. But I started something.

Monday I started the ‘own it’ challenge. Where I am owning myself. Owning what I feel, and taking complete responsibility for myself. Basically growing up. This past year and a half have been for me a refining of the details before taking complete action in the process of growing up. A year and a half before that I cut the cord of my social bubble by dropping everything and exploring north of here. Oregon and then Washington. That was the beginning of my growing up. I didn’t realize it at the time…I had THOUGHT I was grown up….I mean I was 28. But I was still living with my mother, I had just lost my job a few months prior, I have had debt up the yinyang since I was old enough to get a credit card.

I mean sure, I have grown A LOT since the person I was fresh out of highschool. I started my spiritual journey at the Berkeley Psychic Institute. Found out a but-load about myself, but I still hadn’t really taken hold of the reins of my life. I’m a sensitive, I’m ALSO explorative and creative…and because of this I have many friends in many different interests, and I LOVE ALL of my friends and I truly love spending time with them and celebrating and exploring the many activities they are all involved in….but with all the friends and other activities I was involved in…and then add in having a job. I found myself drifting from one thing to the next. Sorta taking care of myself and keeping a precarious balance in it all through meditation and healing classes.

So this is my story of the last 5/6 years. At the age of 25 (or before) or afterwards, I don’t keep accurate time lines. I was in my last year of college, earning my bachelor of fine arts with a focus on printmaking and painting. I started at San Jose State three ish years prior after having completed the clairvoyant training program at BPI (Berkeley psychic institute). SO the direction of my art was greatly influenced by this newly opened spiritual path. My art, IS my spirit, is my spiritual journey. The last year of college was when I took a class on spiritual art and the uses. I was introduced to the labyrinth more fully in that class and THAT became my focus.

 A labyrinth is a path that you follow, it’s not like a maze that’s designed to get you lost. It’s one path. One path in…the same path out. It twists and turns as you follow this from the outside to the center. Here is where you leave the mundane world and enter a liminal space where we can communicate with our higher selves, with spirit, with….whatever….it opens the doorways. Later on I found that actually a labyrinth is a portal. It is important to set the energy of what you want to experience before walking otherwise you’re going to have the experience of whatever was set before you. It is a personal path.

My artwork became my labyrinths. I started working in layers. And through the process of light washes, and layering I began to find more of myself and my ‘style’. I LOVED working in an environment where everyone was doing their own thing working on their own stuff. Being inspired by other artists’ work is the best thing about art college. And the best thing about working around other artists.

I really started to define my process. That year I also got an awesome job using my hands creating tiny masterpieces for mothers of newborn babies and small children. I was THE studio artist at BYBABY. I was overjoyed. I loved my bosses, I loved working with my hands. And I refined their product to make it better. It was in that job that I really began to realize that I am unique and I have a gift, I have an eye that not everyone has. I have the refinement in some areas that not everyone has. And I have a damn good work ethic. I noticed this when my bosses kept trying to make the process systemized so that anybody could do it. But bringing people in to help us out and training them made me realize that not everyone can do it. You have to have an eye for it.

Many things happened between the age of 25 and the age of 28, I stopped going to BPI, I started taking classes with a different meditation teacher where we worked as a group doing more advanced techniques.

The past 5/6 years have definitely been where I’ve started to re-define what a relationship looks like to me.

 I broke up with my boyfriend, but continued seeing him for a year or so afterwards. I dated my first black guy. And I don’t want to label him as just ‘a black guy’ because he is way more than that. But mainly for me he was different in almost all the things I had gone for in a guy before. Up until this point I had only dated nerds, computer geeks, there’s something about them that I have a lot in common with, they’re softer, less harsh to me than the jock, I could communicate with them because I could use the form of writing to connect, they’re also softer all around.  But with him. He was most definitely a jock. From my softball team. As usual with all the guys I date, I got impatient. I get charged and turned on and the damn guy is still sitting there looking at his feet….WTF? So I made the first move when I was able to….. the first chance I got I jumped his bones. This was RIGHT after I got back from a weekend of high energy work and running my kundalini. And the energy was INTENSE….it was the best sex I’ve had ever. The only thing it was missing was the connection I was used to having with nerdy guys. This guy didn’t communicate as much. I couldn’t figure him out and because he was so different in my world, and I wasn’t getting any feedback (or the kind I was used to) I moved past it. I so so so don’t like to be in this weird limbo in between place where I don’t know. Where I’m not getting any activation from them, or reply or…..whatever. Not getting the reaction I desired coupled with the feeling of it being taboo (highlighted by my mother’s reaction to the relationship), and being in an uncomfortable middle space. I went back to the nerds. I started hanging out with one of my best friends again. He is a hardcore nerdy nerd boy.

I started hanging out with his group of friends. And then started friends with benefits with one of his friends. It was more than just friends with benefits because I genuinely cared for him and I believe him for me in the capacity he was able to. THAT relationship triggered a lot in me. It made me question the whole rule I carried up until that point (you have to be in a relationship to have sex). I’ve carried this rule that the only safe place to explore that space is in a committed relationship. When he had sex with another girl at a party I was at. I was deeply triggered and hurt. It confused him because we had talked about the nature of our relationship. But I wasn’t mad at him because of our conversations. Just hurt. I came over and talked to him about it, he was present, and allowed me to have my emotions. And I didn’t force any of that upon him. They were mine. It was deeply freeing. Just having my emotions observed. Not being made bad for having them is huge.

Going over my earlier years I realized that I have been super aware of not expressing the extent of my emotions. If I’m angry or hurt it always somehow had to be someone else’s “fault”. And that in turn made me feel guilty and I shut it down.

This is the point where I finally started giving myself permission to FEEL these emotions.

I started working out during this time with my friend/personal trainer. So much ANGER started coming out. This was at the same time I started to realize my ability as a teacher as I guided him in accessing his spiritual information, guided him in healing himself. My relationship with him has been nothing but support and growth for me. He’s my first friendship/relationship with a deeply purposeful and aware man. It’s such a different experience that it took me years to get truly comfortable around him. Because of the parts of myself I wasn’t ready to look at.

All of these relationship experiences and growth led to when I was 28, my job dissolved, I helped carry them to their completion in the bay and transfer the company to a wonderful woman in sacramento, who bought their website and process. At the end of june/july of that year I found myself jobless. I worked for a couple of weeks at the alameda county fair.

Then my friend planned a trip to Harbin. Harbin Hot Springs, a clothing optional hot springs on a chunk of land near Calistoga…it is beautiful there. I was hesitant at first about the clothing optional. I went anyways. And once there even though I was uncomfortable I went for it and quickly became comfortable. Because it was the norm, it wasn’t weird. Everybody Is out in their birthday suits. It was the start for me in becoming comfortable in my own skin.

It was such a high energy relaxing healing day for me. That was a Tuesday. By the following Saturday I packed my things and made my way north. The plan was to drive into Oregon. Stopping and camping at castle lake in mt. Shasta for a few days with some friends. That was my first of many visits to the magical castle lake, every time there has been a transformative magical experience, especially those random happenstances with strangers. After that I went into Oregon staying at a friend’s place….and I had no plan…I just went from one friend’s place to the next, using them as a sort of focus point.i worked for a week In Portland when I needed money. Then friends of my dad’s opened up their home to me in Bellingham Washington, I went up there, ended up staying with them for 3 months, I am so grateful for them. To me complete strangers at first, now an addition to my family. I learned so much about my dad.

The whole experience of letting go and trusting the universe was unsettling at first but also so freeing. I just jumped, and I always seemed to land.  People would let me rest, catch me, push me off. It was so loving, it’s where I started cultivating more my sense of worth.

From there I ended up at the Grunewald Guild in Leavenworth, WA. Nestled in the cascade mountains, I was there for a very snowy winter. I stay with them for almost 6 months. I volunteered my time for room and board, use of the art studios. It was there I began to really unravel myself. I had the space to just let go. I realized where I had built defenses up towards other people, and in turn hurt a good deal of people the way I imagined they would hurt me. I realized soooo much of myself during this time in my life.

I came back for my friend’s wedding and my brother’s wedding. Didn’t plan on staying at all. And then I started hanging out with my best friend again. And shortly began dating him. He’s the only reason I stayed. And now I realize it’s because I have more work to do here before leaving again. Joe has been a game changer in my relationship space. His loving presence and ability to just listen and be and total un-judgement has worn away the rest of the defenses I didn’t realize I had. I can completely relax around him, and I can talk to him about anything. And he is so supportive, outside of my parents he has given me so much financial support….with nothing attached, even my parents had something attached, but from him, it was just because he wanted to give to me. He helped show me to claim my worth.

Coming back into the tangled mess of connections and emotions I had left behind hit me hard. By the end of December I was kinda lost, had a low sense of self. And a low sense of worth. Even though I knew I had good to share. Starting in February/march while I was still at the guild I started giving aura readings and healings, giving spiritual counseling as an income to support my livelihood. It was a step into being seen.

Being overwhelmed by emotions, I lost that sense of worth and that sense that I could help people. That was when I was guided to my teacher. I worked with him from January until june. He pushed all my buttons, triggered whatever he could get me to show him. It was rough, I cried …….sooooo much. There was just so…. Much….pain…..deep down inside surrounding everything. And then he built me up…or rather pushed me to build myself up. That’s when I started spreading out grasping what was being brought out to me, and I met Naima with gods in plain clothes. I knew I had to be a part of it but I was also scared. But I put myself in the position without any knowledge or what to do. Then I had to let it go, because there was a point where I could handle just so much emotionally.

Near the end of last year I realized I had gained much weight and I had to make a change. In December I started a friend’s eating plan. I lost all the weight I had gained, and that brings me to where I am today. As I dig deeper into the pain allow it to come to light and as I relax around that pain. I have actually lost more weight. At the end of February I realized I needed to ground my food knowingness in me instead of following a plan from outside of me. Because I realize that until it comes from within, it will not be sustainable. This is still my journey of finding food that energizes and cleans my body and supports me in my growth. I continue to let go of body ideals of what my body ‘should’ look like and relax into who I am in the moment….yeah, I’m skinnier. No I don’t really want to have a super ripped body. I’m really enjoying my softness and my curves.

My other focus has been on growing up. Owning myself, owning my actions/emotions/words/finances/schedule, etc. This week has been growth after growth. And I’m going to keep on going. =)

february is for self love

In December of 2013 i started on a weight loss journey. having increasingly gained weight since may/june through bad eating habits and a general all around not wanting to look to closely at myself. SO towards the end of the year I decided, I needed to find my balance again. At the very least get back into my better eating habits that I had before.

Well that 'before' was before i opened up and explored many layers deeper into my emotional/energy body. the emotions were intense, the energy i cleared was also intense, following my emotions i consistently chose the comfort foods with which i gained 30 or so lbs. What began as following emotional comfort with food, developed into a habit, where i just did what was easiest. Continuing in the lazy habits, i also got out of the habit of working out. with all of that near the end of the year, after my last meditation class of the year I decided I needed a change. to bring back the eating habits that i once had easily aquired by listening to my body.

Though this time around surrounded by fast food and bad habits, i acquired assistance. I certainly don't think i could have done it alone. Jeni Fujita, became my very own personal trainer, I started on her food program with which (because i was ready to follow it and i had a focused intention of getting back to myself) I lost 20 of those pounds rather quickly in the first month. This is where i beleive in the power of focused intention. And my goal was not to get thinner, which i wanted but was just a lovely side affect of the process. My goal was to get more connected to myself. to get my life back in balance, to have more energy, to be more active simply for the enjoyment of being active. Because one thing i noticed. when i eat whole, organic, simplified foods, i not only have a ton of energy, but i feel lighter, my head is clearer and my clairvoyance and awareness of mine and others's energy bodies gets very clear. which is important to me,
 Especially after i went through the journey of cutting off from everything i knew and drove north into oregon, and washington, staying near the border of the canada for 3 months and then 6 months in the middle of the cascade mountains. It was glorious. and getting the distance from all i have ever known, i was lost....until i began to find myself. Through all the people i met and all the experiences i began to see myself anew. without everyone who knew me, reflecting the known self, i began to see the parts of myself i liked, and also parts of myself that i did not like. But in the middle of huge snow storms with nowhere to go. I started to pick it apart and i found me. I began to find the edge of the string that is the core of my being.

with that knowledge i came back to everything i used to know and found myself changed for the better. but i also realized i needed to face all that i left behind. because i did atempt escape it all. i needed a clear head, a fresh perspective. i came back for some special people's weddings telling everybody and myself that i'm not staying. i'm moving on. i'm on to new adventures.......all of that was attempted escape. I became grounded, my money dried up, i started dating my best friend........i did what i told myself i was never going to do and got a job back in retail....and now....i'm still here. I spent a good 5/6 months working with a teacher who pushed any and every button that would present itself....and oh....pretty much all of them were. it wasn't until i lost a good friend and mentor/teacher to cancer, that i began to let myself start to get settled. Because pretty much the whole time....a year or so, i kept telling myself "i'm going to be leaving, i'm not staying, none of this is permanent, so don't get attached" and with that mindset i never really let myself experience the fullness of anything. to really open up and get vulnerable.....with myself and wth others....i let myself do it in pieces when i was on my 'journey'.

 I started writing every day. which developed into a daily reflection journal to help others as well. because i started to realize that the things i was finding within myself, the "aha's" i was finding would help others..... and i did that for a while until i got to a point where i was no longer writing for me and i was writing for others. it started to feel like i was showing off or being know it all. and i cut it off. then i was going through so much emotion that it was hard for me to make any sense of it all much less write about it. I felt weak, worthless, crying one minute and angry the next. I started reaching out in any and all directions trying to push myself to make something of myself and ultimately ended up collapsing in on myself.

So here i sit, surrounded by the countless projects i started struggling to get the motivation to complete them. feeling pulled apart by obligations, distractions....i'm missing that quiet time i had had with myself.

but i also know i've gone many layers deeper. even though i'm feeling swayed by emotions to comfort food eating, even though i'm sort of shutting off to those around me. I know that I am stronger. I am stronger than before. This goes deeper. And now i'm asking myself, what do i want? YOu see, i do all of these things, i am creative, organized, helpful.I enjoy so much. but i also recognize that part of what i've been creating wasn't really me. I just took it on because it presented itself and i was feeling worthless and needing of the attention.

funny thing is that much of what i took on is pre-conceived notions of what things should be like. Instead of letting theworld around me be, i busied myself with making it perfect while ignoring my own mess.

well i guess now.....i'm digging into my own mess. and realizing i need to connect with me. the past few days has been emotional comfort eating and i know that behavior leads to a habit that brings me outside of myself and i've worked too hard in the past month and half to get where i am now....together, connected. the emotions need to be heard and seen and recognized and i need to get used to being uncomfortable. because i have a feeling i'm going to be living here for a while.....and i'm ok with that....it's time to explore it....and it's time to be aware.

Anger, self reflection, adversity, growth.....etc

I'm in an interesting space today. I have a wonderful opportunity to be grateful for the friends and family, and even strangers who love and support who I am. And I am feeling deeply loved and grateful for those beings and more who have been strewn about on my path to give me validation, love, support, and any sort of kind gesture to keep me going when I might have given up.

It is with this gratitude and a realization within myself that I no longer really need outside re-enforcement to keep me going (definitely loved and appreciated but not NEEDed...there's a difference), with these..my attention is turned to those who DON'T validate what I am or what I do.

It started with an intention, i've been doing a butt ton of personal work, cried myself silly, healed some very vulnerable and deep wounds that I had been carrying. My intention has now been to turn outwards. I have the inner work down, it's still challenging for sure, but its familiar territory, my recent exploration has been in outward expression. To bring all that I am on the inside and bring it into being expressed outwardly. In other words....being seen. Something that i've been yearning to do and yet have been scared as hell to do it.....but i've been inching, walking, with the occasional run and leap towards my goal.

I don't think I realized until this moment HOW much I was hiding. I've rarely experienced a naysayer because I haven't put myself out there. I've kept myself small, energetically and physically....ironically enough the smaller I tried to make myself the bigger my actual body became.   As I've been on this personal exploration of healing myself and allowing myself to express the fullness of who I am...I've almost effortlessly lost the weight my body has been carrying. All of that  weight was padding. It was a defense mechanism, as well as making my energy small and making myself invisible, by the tone of my voice, by my posture, by the way I interact around people, by the injustices put upon me that I've let go without a challenge. Because I didn't want attention, I didn't want to be seen. An invalidation, a cruel comment would cut me to the bone...or more appropriately the heart, and I sealed it and closed it ever so tightly to keep it from happening. But all that did was make the hit so much more direct and painful.

As I've been opening up, loving myself first, expressing gratitude and appreciating the world around me, the people around me....as i've been loving MORE....those hits.....don't hurt so much. Until I get to the point where it just makes me wonder, I can see the person who is spewing that hate and just love them, for they are surely in pain. I've made many judgemental stinging comments when I felt like I was smaller, when I felt like I was less then. I wanted that other person to feel my pain! I wanted them down in the dirt and mud just like me...and it INFURIATED me when they would brush it off, laugh it off like it was nothing.....like 'I' was nothing.

Now here I am on the other side of this, I'm done with the negativity and the judgement...sure it still surfaces from time to time, but it is no longer my story of who I am. It is the story of who I was, and where I came from....and specifically BECAUSE I came from there I can have compassion to those who would speak poorly of myself and others.

Now saying all this definitely does not make me perfect, but it does make me aware, and it brings me to what spurred these thoughts and my need to get them out now. I find myself angry, the slow coals of anger in the pit of my stomach have been lit and if I don't allow them someplace to go they will eat me alive, because that is not my way of expressing anger....that is a learned way of expressing anger that I am learning to overcome and let go of. Anger is beautiful if allowed to run, and then dissipate, it clears the way for new creations and spurs on all sorts of change. Anger gets noticed......which is why i'm noticing it. My learned response is to shove it all down and ignore it.

My anger was sparked this morning as I watched a video of Keira Knightly, where she comes home from work and gets beat by her husband...it's a public service announcement, but what pissed me off about it, is there's a point where she gets slapped pretty hard, she turns to the camera and says "this isn't what we agreed to" she's talking to the camera, to the director. She then gets shoved to the floor and kicked repeatedly.............Now I'm sure that all of that was acting...but it infuriated me at the idea that a director would have the gall to spring that on his/her actress and tape the beating....all to get the point across. Well played director, well played, i'm sure the response is what you're looking for. But that anger and feeling of injustice subsided even if I felt a little unsettled.

Then this afternoon, I looked at one of my posts, I've been posting images of a painting in process, a painting might I add...of ME. It's a self portrait, and it means a lot to me in multiple ways. For one, I haven't painted much realistically for a while, sticking to the abstract for many years. Part of me doubts my skill and my ability to do so...even though I KNOW that voice is a lie, I still feel uncomfortable. Second reason..it's what the painting represents, i've started a series with the intention of 'coming out' so to speak, of being seen for who I am, naked and vulnerable, you can't see in the painting but imbued in the background are words, of who I am and who I deign to be. Words like I am worthy and intelligent and creative, I am deserving of love and respect....etc...you get the idea (i actually forgot all that I wrote on there, it was a free write). So for all means it is a physical representation of what my intention is spiritually 'to outwardly express who I am'. And three being a perfectionist...i'm really challenging myself to show the progress and accept responses....it's not done yet, it's not perfect, there are parts of it I don't like/am not happy with...which is good....it's in progress, close to finished...but still that's art.

So I checked the post, and a complete stranger felt the need to post 'so ugly' in the comments.  Two simple words, which at first just had me taken aback. I was shocked....still am a little, (last week two guys in a convertable decided to call me a stupid bitch who didn't know how to drive when I was merging, this also shocked me)......and my first response flared up...which is to be silent and just take it. I was thinking about how this made me feel...and the cut to the center of my being that it might have produced months ago.....wasn't there....it was outside of me. The awareness that these other people couldn't affect my inner space. There was wonder at the power I have given myself by caring for me. And then today as I was thinking about how this comment didn't cut in to affect my sense of self worth.....I remembered the video this morning and I became angry.

I felt angry for a couple of reasons....of all the meaning this painting has for me, I am feeling exposed and vulnerable to put it out there to be seen ESPECIALLY because it isn't complete yet. And this stranger is calling my ability, my visage, and me....'so ugly'. And my first response to be quiet about it, which is backed up by years of spiritual wisdom....so instead of being quiet because I didn't want to be seen, I was going to be quiet because 'what good would it do? this man is so in his  ways that no matter what I say will elicit a response of him defending his position and probably more 'damaging' words. And he will never see....so what good would it do, these people will have their opinion, they will never change, so I might as well do nothing and ignore it. But this is where my anger spurred me on, and had me question this response....which is a learned response from being a female in our society.

I realized what this all means on my spiritual path and that none of it is a coincidence. I show a painting that outwardly expresses who I am, and am instantly put down. I can accept that, or I can defend my boundaries. Well...how can I do this and stay in my center and stay in my truth? I do not care for a fight for I realize its a matter of what he just can't see. But I can't just stay silent.


Being silent and unseen is just what as a female i've been unintentionally taught, every time i get too big, there's someone around to say 'get a little smaller'. Of course i have been blessed with many strong role models in my life, my dad including who taught me to not care what other people think and to always always always question authority. I was taught to think for myself, and because of this I can react....or I can respond. I can be affected by what was said or I can stay in my center.

And the question that keeps popping up in my head is this....what gives us the right? any of us, we have opinions and beliefs. Family, friends, loved ones, strangers.......what gives any of us the right to impress upon others OUR beliefs, thoughts, opinions? ESPECIALLY when they are only going to be negative. And that's the question I want to bring to you, an awareness i've come upon and want bring to your attention....we have no 'right' to force/impress OUR opinions on anyone else....no matter how well or ill intentioned. Where do I? where do you? do this....and how do our opinions define us?

Gains and losses

I got a new job! I was hired for a job that I KNEW was going to be a push and a growing experience for me. It was to be my chance to try something different, and explore a part of me that has not been experienced before this lifetime.  I carry a lot of fear over being in charge, being a leader, being a teacher. I've buried myself, made myself smaller, hidden, told myself I'm not worth that much, told myself I don't deserve this or that....even to the point where i've gotten extremely comfortable with what I have.

I am comfortable....nay...it has become a part of my personality, a part of my being. To use, and re-use, to re-purpose, to save, to not waste, to deny myself expensive....anything....because 'i know i'm just going to mess it up anyways'.

And maybe part of that is true, I am an artist along with the many other roles I play...and I LOVE to get messy. While involved in the art making process, materials get everywhere and I have learned to release attachment to ever having nice things...at least with clothes. Those clothes I have that ARE nice....well those never get worn and I have to wonder if i've used the artist identity as an excuse to say that I don't deserve nice things. Underneath all of it is me questioning if I am worthy of that kind of care and devotion...if only from myself. If i don't expect that kind of care from myself, than I certainly don't expect it from the world around me. Except I want it. I desperately want it. I yearn to be cared for. I don't say it, but I want to be romanced, I want to be over the top taken care of. I want to be made the center of attention. I want to be loved and adored.....and I know....that it has to start with myself. I only attract the kind of worth, that I feel I am worthy of.

It has been my story for so long that I have just barely enough to survive, and not enough to survive on my own. I have been supported by my parents, my boyfriend, friends, teachers, strangers, all of these people have either been there or appeared in my life during the right time to give me the support at the time needed, so i have never REALLY wanted. And even with all that I am given, I can't help but feel stalled, forever dependent upon those around me, and not only dependent upon but obligated to....this person or that person. It affects the choices I make and what I do. I find that the more i focus on the negative, the more I am stalled. So it really isn't the people or the situation, but my own mentality that destroys forward movement. Because when I feel stalled, I start attacking everything around me, including myself. It's a vicious voice that is quite cruel and judgmental. I didn't really notice the nagging voice until it was pointed out to me, and even then I didn't believe how cruel it was. My journey the past 6 months has been primarily centered around changing that voice. Because how we talk to ourselves affects everything.

So...I got this job, I was pretty excited about. I felt myself attuning to it, the energy, the people, I started to match it. I was excited to explore this role of teacher officially. To not only teach my craft, but to teach my craft AND a key philosophy I have to children. Art is explorative, it is how I discover and find myself. And that's what I was learning to be a part of, to share this with young impressionable minds...that no you don't have to follow the path laid out for you by others, but you can choose your own!

The more I matched this particular company, and job/role the more I felt myself being pulled away from some other very important aspects of myself. But I also knew it was a time of discovery and I could re-calibrate to balance in the other parts of myself that are important to me.

It turns out the job didn't quite work out, it wasn't that good of a fit. As I was let go and this was explained to me, I realize some of this is true. By trying to match their standard, I was forgetting parts of my own. And while I felt a sense of relief, I have also felt a lot of grief.

The first being ego....there's the voices saying i'm not good enough, or...whatever the voices like to doubt of my abilities. Along with that, this job was going to help me get caught up financially. I have debt that I've been paying off since college, and the weight sometimes preys on my mind....again triggering that voice. There has been grief and a slip into apathy, of just not caring anymore, of..'.i tried so hard and still that didn't work'. I lost another rung in this fight to get caught up in the monetary game. So i'm at a place of surrender with that, another aspect being brought to my attention of my need to surrender to it and let it go. Another piece of the illusion has been seen through, and that is my gift from this.

There is also grief happening on another level. This group of beings, these people who I met and trained with at this job, even the kids....I know them...i know each and every one of them. I've never met them before this life, but I know them. Their essence is so familiar to me. This is a soul group that i've been a part of. And with the releasing of the job, there has been a release from this soul group. There has been tears and sobs over the letting of these people go, for real, for good. Releasing the old karma and connections so that we are free to create new connections if it still benefits us.

Spirit works in mysterious ways.

And around all of this there is the big question.....what next? what now? It could literally be anything, but I am out of ideas at the moment.....spent, along with the grief, i'm exhausted. Despite the exhaustion, my urge to create has been turned on. So that is what i'll be concerning myself with until something more clear presents itself to me.Yet...another gift of this experience.

I'm coming back to myself. I hadn't realized how far I'd stretched.