In December of 2013 i started on a weight loss journey. having increasingly gained weight since may/june through bad eating habits and a general all around not wanting to look to closely at myself. SO towards the end of the year I decided, I needed to find my balance again. At the very least get back into my better eating habits that I had before.
Well that 'before' was before i opened up and explored many layers deeper into my emotional/energy body. the emotions were intense, the energy i cleared was also intense, following my emotions i consistently chose the comfort foods with which i gained 30 or so lbs. What began as following emotional comfort with food, developed into a habit, where i just did what was easiest. Continuing in the lazy habits, i also got out of the habit of working out. with all of that near the end of the year, after my last meditation class of the year I decided I needed a change. to bring back the eating habits that i once had easily aquired by listening to my body.
Though this time around surrounded by fast food and bad habits, i acquired assistance. I certainly don't think i could have done it alone. Jeni Fujita, became my very own personal trainer, I started on her food program with which (because i was ready to follow it and i had a focused intention of getting back to myself) I lost 20 of those pounds rather quickly in the first month. This is where i beleive in the power of focused intention. And my goal was not to get thinner, which i wanted but was just a lovely side affect of the process. My goal was to get more connected to myself. to get my life back in balance, to have more energy, to be more active simply for the enjoyment of being active. Because one thing i noticed. when i eat whole, organic, simplified foods, i not only have a ton of energy, but i feel lighter, my head is clearer and my clairvoyance and awareness of mine and others's energy bodies gets very clear. which is important to me,
Especially after i went through the journey of cutting off from everything i knew and drove north into oregon, and washington, staying near the border of the canada for 3 months and then 6 months in the middle of the cascade mountains. It was glorious. and getting the distance from all i have ever known, i was lost....until i began to find myself. Through all the people i met and all the experiences i began to see myself anew. without everyone who knew me, reflecting the known self, i began to see the parts of myself i liked, and also parts of myself that i did not like. But in the middle of huge snow storms with nowhere to go. I started to pick it apart and i found me. I began to find the edge of the string that is the core of my being.
with that knowledge i came back to everything i used to know and found myself changed for the better. but i also realized i needed to face all that i left behind. because i did atempt escape it all. i needed a clear head, a fresh perspective. i came back for some special people's weddings telling everybody and myself that i'm not staying. i'm moving on. i'm on to new adventures.......all of that was attempted escape. I became grounded, my money dried up, i started dating my best friend........i did what i told myself i was never going to do and got a job back in retail....and now....i'm still here. I spent a good 5/6 months working with a teacher who pushed any and every button that would present itself....and oh....pretty much all of them were. it wasn't until i lost a good friend and mentor/teacher to cancer, that i began to let myself start to get settled. Because pretty much the whole time....a year or so, i kept telling myself "i'm going to be leaving, i'm not staying, none of this is permanent, so don't get attached" and with that mindset i never really let myself experience the fullness of anything. to really open up and get vulnerable.....with myself and wth others....i let myself do it in pieces when i was on my 'journey'.
I started writing every day. which developed into a daily reflection journal to help others as well. because i started to realize that the things i was finding within myself, the "aha's" i was finding would help others..... and i did that for a while until i got to a point where i was no longer writing for me and i was writing for others. it started to feel like i was showing off or being know it all. and i cut it off. then i was going through so much emotion that it was hard for me to make any sense of it all much less write about it. I felt weak, worthless, crying one minute and angry the next. I started reaching out in any and all directions trying to push myself to make something of myself and ultimately ended up collapsing in on myself.
So here i sit, surrounded by the countless projects i started struggling to get the motivation to complete them. feeling pulled apart by obligations, distractions....i'm missing that quiet time i had had with myself.
but i also know i've gone many layers deeper. even though i'm feeling swayed by emotions to comfort food eating, even though i'm sort of shutting off to those around me. I know that I am stronger. I am stronger than before. This goes deeper. And now i'm asking myself, what do i want? YOu see, i do all of these things, i am creative, organized, helpful.I enjoy so much. but i also recognize that part of what i've been creating wasn't really me. I just took it on because it presented itself and i was feeling worthless and needing of the attention.
funny thing is that much of what i took on is pre-conceived notions of what things should be like. Instead of letting theworld around me be, i busied myself with making it perfect while ignoring my own mess.
well i guess now.....i'm digging into my own mess. and realizing i need to connect with me. the past few days has been emotional comfort eating and i know that behavior leads to a habit that brings me outside of myself and i've worked too hard in the past month and half to get where i am now....together, connected. the emotions need to be heard and seen and recognized and i need to get used to being uncomfortable. because i have a feeling i'm going to be living here for a while.....and i'm ok with that....it's time to explore it....and it's time to be aware.
