I got a new job! I was hired for a job that I KNEW was going to be a push and a growing experience for me. It was to be my chance to try something different, and explore a part of me that has not been experienced before this lifetime. I carry a lot of fear over being in charge, being a leader, being a teacher. I've buried myself, made myself smaller, hidden, told myself I'm not worth that much, told myself I don't deserve this or that....even to the point where i've gotten extremely comfortable with what I have.
I am comfortable....nay...it has become a part of my personality, a part of my being. To use, and re-use, to re-purpose, to save, to not waste, to deny myself expensive....anything....because 'i know i'm just going to mess it up anyways'.
And maybe part of that is true, I am an artist along with the many other roles I play...and I LOVE to get messy. While involved in the art making process, materials get everywhere and I have learned to release attachment to ever having nice things...at least with clothes. Those clothes I have that ARE nice....well those never get worn and I have to wonder if i've used the artist identity as an excuse to say that I don't deserve nice things. Underneath all of it is me questioning if I am worthy of that kind of care and devotion...if only from myself. If i don't expect that kind of care from myself, than I certainly don't expect it from the world around me. Except I want it. I desperately want it. I yearn to be cared for. I don't say it, but I want to be romanced, I want to be over the top taken care of. I want to be made the center of attention. I want to be loved and adored.....and I know....that it has to start with myself. I only attract the kind of worth, that I feel I am worthy of.
It has been my story for so long that I have just barely enough to survive, and not enough to survive on my own. I have been supported by my parents, my boyfriend, friends, teachers, strangers, all of these people have either been there or appeared in my life during the right time to give me the support at the time needed, so i have never REALLY wanted. And even with all that I am given, I can't help but feel stalled, forever dependent upon those around me, and not only dependent upon but obligated to....this person or that person. It affects the choices I make and what I do. I find that the more i focus on the negative, the more I am stalled. So it really isn't the people or the situation, but my own mentality that destroys forward movement. Because when I feel stalled, I start attacking everything around me, including myself. It's a vicious voice that is quite cruel and judgmental. I didn't really notice the nagging voice until it was pointed out to me, and even then I didn't believe how cruel it was. My journey the past 6 months has been primarily centered around changing that voice. Because how we talk to ourselves affects everything.
So...I got this job, I was pretty excited about. I felt myself attuning to it, the energy, the people, I started to match it. I was excited to explore this role of teacher officially. To not only teach my craft, but to teach my craft AND a key philosophy I have to children. Art is explorative, it is how I discover and find myself. And that's what I was learning to be a part of, to share this with young impressionable minds...that no you don't have to follow the path laid out for you by others, but you can choose your own!
The more I matched this particular company, and job/role the more I felt myself being pulled away from some other very important aspects of myself. But I also knew it was a time of discovery and I could re-calibrate to balance in the other parts of myself that are important to me.
It turns out the job didn't quite work out, it wasn't that good of a fit. As I was let go and this was explained to me, I realize some of this is true. By trying to match their standard, I was forgetting parts of my own. And while I felt a sense of relief, I have also felt a lot of grief.
The first being ego....there's the voices saying i'm not good enough, or...whatever the voices like to doubt of my abilities. Along with that, this job was going to help me get caught up financially. I have debt that I've been paying off since college, and the weight sometimes preys on my mind....again triggering that voice. There has been grief and a slip into apathy, of just not caring anymore, of..'.i tried so hard and still that didn't work'. I lost another rung in this fight to get caught up in the monetary game. So i'm at a place of surrender with that, another aspect being brought to my attention of my need to surrender to it and let it go. Another piece of the illusion has been seen through, and that is my gift from this.
There is also grief happening on another level. This group of beings, these people who I met and trained with at this job, even the kids....I know them...i know each and every one of them. I've never met them before this life, but I know them. Their essence is so familiar to me. This is a soul group that i've been a part of. And with the releasing of the job, there has been a release from this soul group. There has been tears and sobs over the letting of these people go, for real, for good. Releasing the old karma and connections so that we are free to create new connections if it still benefits us.
Spirit works in mysterious ways.
And around all of this there is the big question.....what next? what now? It could literally be anything, but I am out of ideas at the moment.....spent, along with the grief, i'm exhausted. Despite the exhaustion, my urge to create has been turned on. So that is what i'll be concerning myself with until something more clear presents itself to me.Yet...another gift of this experience.
I'm coming back to myself. I hadn't realized how far I'd stretched.
