Here I am. I've been noticing lately how i've been sucked into the internets and the facebooks and the emails. Needing to check, respond, hoping someone will text, email something. It is a state of distraction, of needing distraction, there is something that I am not looking at, or wanting to look at. I know because I keep reaching for the next distraction. So i'm finding myself here. I'm still at my mom's house in Fremont, I've almost finished up everything that I made in my mind to finish. Getting myself 'ready'...whatever that means. I've been operating by flying by the seat of my pants. Going where the whims take me. And there have been moments of quiet introspection.
Upon waking today I found that the tournament I agreed to play this weekend has been cancelled (well not the tournament, but the team i'm on). Which puts a nice hole in the bubble I was creating for this weekend. I'm not disapointed. I know by now that the universe directs me where i'm supposed to go. This past weekend I was a part of a wonderous healing celebration. The Dragonfly Healing Center. Started and headed by two amazing powerhouse of women. Who i'm sure have had their moments of doubt and crisis, but all I see now are two women, who have done a lot of groundbreaking new things....and here I am. Not that what i've done hasn't been great. But there's this feeling of being afraid to commit. I know that's how change is created. By having a vision. and following it. I have been afraid of having a vision. I've been afraid of having a vision of what I want to be because I dont' want to get 'stuck' with it. I don't know 100% what drives my passion and my love and my happiness. And I dont' want to get stuck in something that will turn into a 'responsibility'. that's why i couldn't really choose a career path when going to school. I never really committed to relationships. I mean i was there physically and even got needily physically attached but there was a part of myself detached, not wholly satisfied. There has to be something more to this.
I have a basic vision. And a basic desire. One which seems selfish viewed from some lenses. I desire freedom, I desire movement, and freedom to move (which means ample money/opportunities/supplies to do that). But that is only part of the picture. With just that...the movement and freedom to flit wherever I desire....there is an emptiness. I am not super social. I have been socially shy for ages. It is a challenge at times for me to approach people. I'm great at receiving approach. I welcome people, I talk to them. I also feel awkward with conversations. there is so much of our world that has gone to cyber communications which take the personality out of communications. There is detachment because you aren't there with them. You can answer a question in your own time. Talk to someone who messages you at intervals. The openness and vulnerability of one on one connection is not there. It CAN be there. but usually (at least the way I seem to use it). Its not that I haven't noticed and I do push myself to make more personal connections with people outside of just a 'like' on comments. And I have met some wonderful people through the online interface and then met in person.
I also genuinely like to help people, it feeds me to be of service to others. But there's a line there as well. There's the line where you're helping people and once you cross that you're helping too much, and it may SEEM like you're helping them. but what you're really doing is taking over all of their burdens so they don't have to look at it and help themselves.
My desire is to help people, help themselves. With a history of over helping, I am still trying to find the balance. Because sometimes what I think they need, they don't really need, that is my expectation placed upon them. Spending time in some one else's house and then a community space for 9 months made this REALLY clear. It actually allowed me to pull back and examine myself and gracefully forgive myself for my misteps. Just because I do something a certain way doesn't mean everyone else HAS to. Maybe....just maybe...another way works for them. and it may not work for me...but that's none of my business. if it affects me I can speak up, and voice what works for me and try to come to a mutual way....or I can take leave, pull myself out of the situation.
Five days ago was the beginning of the Electric Moon in the tzolken calendar. The theme this month...is how can I best be of service? MY life theme as a white resonant wizard. is How can I attune my service to others?
So that is the question that's been bugging me. I am an intuitive, I have natural healing abilities, I have learned to attune in and give excellent, deep readings. And I've come to give worth to that. And Aside from the healing arts. I am also an artist. I KNOW that my art, and my role as an artist plays some sort of role in this. I don't know what. I desire for my art to be experienced by people and to take a healing role. Within that desire...means it would be helpful to create art on a regular basis. One thing I need as an artist is a stable clear space dedicated JUST to my art. A place I can go to with little distractions and even other working artists around.
i am thoroughly interested in community life. In living and being around a group of people. but also I need ample opportunity to be by myself and self reflection. And i desire and NEED, nature, ample nature. Trees, greenery, natural running water, lakes, oceans. wildlife. flowers. And I desire that to be close at hand. so that when needing a boost i can walk out my door and enter into the stillness and wildness and care of the earth mother. to reconnect, refresh and find my roots. That's one thing since i've been at my mom's that i've been missing.
And there are also people I like to see and be with, and not be separated from for super long periods. But i also recognize that I sometimes hold myself back from moving forward. i can no longer carry them. and i'm feeling less inclined to hold myself back. i'm feeling somewhat antsy....And I know a big part of this is BE ing, being true, and authentic to myself and my needs. Not necessarily needing to stand up for myself but just communicating my needs. And in order to communicate my needs, actively becoming aware of my needs helps.
So i'm feeling slightly at a loss. how can I help others if i have no real idea of what i'm doing now. I have some steps in my consciousness that i know i need to finish. And i'm working towards finishing those. but i've also been putting some of those off haha. so that's one message from the universe. no more distractions, get your shit done. Friends are important but holding myself back to keep the door open for them is less important to me know. doesn't mean i don't care about them. but it means they're going to have to take some of the reigns.....some of them already do. those are the people i see the most ironically enough.
beginning a more intimate relationship with one those friends who is nearest and dearest is another thing on my mind. Because of our history because I know well. I have more space around the relationship, less of this needy clingy, because i know who he is and that he really does care for me, there is none of this trying to get his attention...or less of it. Also because I realize that some of that grasping for attention comes from the parts of myself that is trying to distract myself from what I need to do.
The base desires are less important in the whole of my path at the moment. Sex is fun, and good and I have plenty of desire. but that is taking up far less of my attention than it has in the past. less of a distraction. I am really enjoying being open and vulnerable even if its hard and scary. but i trust him. Another thing is that i have to recognize him as a full person, because i know him i can. I just realized that in my past relationships i never FULLY recognized them as a person. yes they were people and they had cares and desires, and there was an unconcious part of me that didn't care. It was all about ME and my relationship to them. It gave me validation to be the healer and shoulder to cry on. To be the confidant. To be the sex goddess. to be whatever...in relation to them. But in all of those i let them set the energy, them lead the show. And I found myself wanting for me. I found myself lacking in my personal wholeness.
Over the years i yearned for that 'perfect' man who would just fit in and get it. The perfect man doesn't exist in the way I had in my mind. The perfect man i used to picture is really no longer relevant in my current existence.
So.....How DO I attune my service to others? and what does it look like? And how does that turn into a way of being able to live and take care of myself financially?
I give readings and healings. i give damn good readings and healings. I make fantastic art. so how does that get out there? is that enough?
My presence in places has been enough for some people. There are many friends and family who just like to have me around because of my calm grounded presence. I know that in itself can be healing thing. But how does it make my life look like? what are my desires for a life?
nature, community, travel, experience, communion, sharing, art, LIVING.
being active regularly, making art and music and food
no need for tv's or movies...i didn't really miss them, it was nice occasionally, but when that populates your everyday its annoying and a distraction from the life around you.
same for internet or video games....i could care less. the only reason I enjoy games is because it gets you together being around other people. there is interaction and an inclusiveness.
fire,
bodies of water...preferably warm enough to be in
a private sleeping space, some place i can go and be alone
a big open studio, with printing press, big windows
ample opportunity and trips to other countries and other communities, staying long enough to get to know the people and the culture, and the traditions
sharing of knowledge, sharing/trading of skills, sharing my love with the community...whatever that is
wonderful healthy living food that feeds and nourishes my body.
looking at these...i feel i'm a techno hippy. I've come to realize and enjoy many of the modern day pleasures that make life easier, but I still like to disconnect and connect to a heart centered vibe.
and my question is how do these two worlds connect and collide? what does it look like? I don't know yet.
i desire to be involved with helping people help and heal themselves and our environment and the planet.
I desire to live sustainably and ecosensibly
Increasing my worth as an artist is a big step in front of me. Finishing my website, getting myself set up and streamlined to be open to far more people. I desire to be a part of more healing gatherings/celebrations where I give and get healed.
As far as physical things. I desire a new tent, slightly smaller and made for colder weather
I desire new transportation a room, fuel efficent vehicle. a small suburban/jeep type of vehicle.
in the interum until that new vehicle comes in i desire my current vehicle to have a new windshield, to get a tune up,
I desire a laptop that has adobe photoshop and other products on it and has enough power/storage to run those products as well as hold information.
I desire new shoes
-running shoes
-close toed shoes to wear with my skirts
I desire new jeans and pants. that fit comfortably and look nice.
i desire new comfy jacket/sweatshirt
most of my clothes are worn and falling apart, and they also don't fit as well since i've lost weight
i desire that all the food that i want and need is provided effortlessly, I always have the ability to get this no matter the circumstance, even if my dietary concerns are different from others.
I desire a new bicycle, with a carry thing on the back, lights, and at least 7 speeds that pedals smoothly
i desire a place to rest and rejuvenate to become more clear, spend some time on my art without all the distractions. I desire AMPLE payment for all the healing projects I take on. organizing, painting (walls), deep cleaning, yard work
i desire some direction. I wish to travel east next (i'm in fremont, ca) I desire to visit new mexico on the way (for some reason that keeps coming up) I desire events and peoples and places to meet and be a part of.
I know true guidance has to come from inside but i'm asking the universe to provide some landmarks.
http://pranafest.org/ this just came into my awareness. and now that i'm not going to Sacramento for the tournament (well i still might go)....I now have that weekend free to do this. to participate in this...there is a form...all i have to do is fill it out. what do i have to lose? nothing.
And that about sums up today's self analysis...where i am and where i want to be. It helps me to become a little more clear as to my intention
